Old age and the same old song

Well, well, well. Another nail is quickly being hammered into my coffin. In Korean time I will be 32 years old in less then 24 hours. I must enjoy this last day as a 31 year old man. Once you turn 32 it's all downhill! Where did my youth go? Where? It seems like only yesterday I was riding my big-wheel around Durand Street searching for grasshoppers, putting bumble bee's in jars, figuring out a way to invent time travel. Now look at me....I'm living in Korea. I have no grasshoppers, no bumble bees, and the science of time travel has eluded me all these years. Damn you time travel, damn you to hell!!!!!

In the movies they always show all the things that would go wrong if you changed even the smallest of events in one life. Well it's a good thing I have not figured out how to do it yet because I would be causing ripples son. Ripples! No, not really. It would be interesting to witness a couple events in my life and before I was born but I wouldn't try to change anything. Anyways, back to the present. The older I get the more comfortable I am in my skin. Some recent events have happened that confirm this fact for me.

I am confronting things I may have let slide in the past. I don't care about being popular (although I always seem to be....must be a gift I have), I don't need to be the funniest guy in the room (again, I always seem to be, I don't know why? Just blessed I guess), and I don't care if what needs to be said is going to make things uncomfortable. Last week someone who I work with and who is becoming a friend of mine (if you know me at all you know I don't drop the "friend word" as easily as some people do", this can be both a good thing and a bad thing) was publicly disrespected in a way I could not keep my mouth shut about. There is a local pub on the grounds of the place I work at. I do not frequent this establishment because I have lost my taste for the booze...and I can't stand to be around drunk people who smoke, or sober people who smoke for that matter. Anyways, this teacher is of Mexican decent. He happens to be the only Mexican American at the school I work at. Remember we have people from all over, South Africans, Brits, Aussie's, New Zealanders, Americans, Canadians, etc. Now it just so happens that earlier in the evening I had gone out to dinner with three guys I get along with well at my job. This teacher was one of them. We had been talking about many things that night and one of those things was the pressure you can feel when you do not fit into the stereotype that most people associate with people who look like you. For this particular teacher of Mexican decent he had always felt stuck in the middle of two worlds. Some of his family and close friends had made fun of him for "sounding white" (which by the way is one of the dumbest and dangerous accusations a community of non white people can make). I can relate to this accusation of course. You know we are in trouble if speaking English and getting good grades is looked at as something to reject. I remember hearing stories from my dad growing up who had to hide the fact he was smart in his Detroit neighborhood. It makes me sad to think that in some areas this has not changed for young men and women of color.

Again, I digress. So we are walking back to the campus grounds having a wonderful conversation. Another teacher who is from Tennessee but grew up in South Korea was talking with me and this other teacher about his lack of connection to American Racism and Prejudices. You have to admit, America does these two things very, very well. For recent example feel free to research all the events of this most recent presidential election cycle. He is a white man who grew up going to school in south Korea into his teenage years. We all tackled this acknowledgment as we walked home and I decided this guy had received a wonderful gift. Now, it is my belief that in this current world environment no one can escape the clutches of the "isms", but there are varying degrees of them. I think he has lesser degrees then most Americans because he was no saturated in the hate and mistrust that infects our country. He hates people because of who they are not what they are. This is my motto by the way. Dislike someone because they are an asshole, not because they are white, black, brown, gay, Muslim, Canadian, etc.

So, we all decided to play Spades ( a card game) in the pub. There were a lot of people in the pub that night so we found a table in the front. The back was full of intoxicated people singing and playing the guitar; all teachers or school staff by the way. So we are playing cards for about ten minutes when this new teacher (a white dude from Canada...I give this description because I feel it is important to the story) walks from the back room up to our table. At this point, the teacher from Tennessee had stepped outside to have a smoke and talk to his wife on the phone, the other teacher who we were playing Spades with was eating a burger, and I was talking to Andrew about something random. Andrew is Mexican American. So this guy from the back room comes up to the table and starts shooting the shit. Now one thing I'm good at and have always been good at is reading people and situations. I knew instantly, something was going to happen. I wasn't sure how big or what exactly but my Spider Sense was activated.

So this guy and Andrew start talking about a motorbike they had both been interested in buying but Andrew bought ended up buying it. Remember this guy has been in South Korea for maybe two weeks now. He looks at me and says "I was going to buy the bike but this dirty fucking Mexican bought it first". Now I looked at Andrew who was smiling and I was shocked by the smile. I said something like, "wow, interesting way of putting that. what does his race have to do with anything?" This comment put the Canadian dude on the defensive right away. He said, "I'm not racist!" I replied, "I didn't say you were racist, I asked you a question." I looked at Andrew again who was still smirking and then I thought these guys might have that kind of relationship with each other so I said, "Oh, I didn't realize you guys were tight like that?" Andrew quickly said, "We're not". So this guy is still talking to me about how he is not a racist (which I never thought or said) and I'm staring at him like he was about to burst into flames (this is what Andrew told me later). Here's the thing that really bugged me...actually there were several things that bothered me. First of all, one of the things this guy said after it was obvious his comment wasn't going over well was that he was just joking around and I could call him "a fat Russian if I wanted to". I mean, what the fuck was that about. First of all, why the fuck would I can him a fat Russian. That's just dumb, and it does not carry any of the issues and history his dumbass comment to Andrew carries. People don't think when they talk man. So he kept coming back to the table for the next twenty minutes apologizing, but he was apologizing to me! Andrew, kept smiling and told the guy it wasn't a big deal but it was. And he later said he didn't like the comment. But Andrew has felt very isolated on this campus and when people comment on his Mexican heritage (which they do a lot for some reason, I can't figure it out) he doesn't say anything to them. He doesn't tell them that he doesn't appreciate people, in particular, white people, joking around with him being Mexican. He just smiles and changes the subject or sometimes jokes back. That is the corner he's in at the moment. We talked about this and he doesn't like it but also doesn't want to make people uncomfortable. So I'm thinking, you would rather be made fun of and uncomfortable yourself then have other people be uncomfortable and possibly upset for a while? As judgmental as I got towards Andrew in that moment I could still understand where he was coming from. It is hard to stand up for yourself sometimes, especially when you feel all alone. He is a foreigner among foreigners in a foreign land. There is no one on the campus who really understands what he must feel like. I can empathize but I'm not Mexican American. I have other black people on the campus I can talk to about things I notice or the way I feel that directly relates to my being black. Andrew does not have this luxury. And for those of you reading this wondering what the big deal is or who don't understand what I'm talking about, that is the very definition of being in a privileged position. You have the ability to remain ignorant. This comment is not meant to be offensive by the way and if you got offended you are obviously reading one of my blogs for the first time.

I let Andrew know that I've got his back. I also let him know that people are going to continue to say things to him like that until he makes it very clear that he is not down with that kind of talk. I asked him if he thought anyone at this school would ever "joke around" with me like that and he said "no". I asked him why and he said because he's more social than I am. Now that is a very telling statement. That means to be social at my work means people, in particular, white people can make jokes about your ethnic background? What the fuck? There are only 12 non white teachers among the foreign teachers who I work with. 11 are black and that leaves Andrew. Again, I can not imagine how he feels. He said his being Mexican is very important to who he is and he has no one who he can talk to about this who will truly understand where he's coming from. All I can do I be present as someone who has similar experiences and someone who will stand up with him if and when he ever decides to stand up for himself.

As far as the guy who made the comment, I can tell I'm going to have to talk to him about what he said and why I had a problem with it. It is important that I remember not to yell at him or make him feel as low as his comment was. I want my message to penetrate his shell and not bounce off in a defensive move.

I sometimes think about all the stupid, offensive things I've said to people in my youth and all the stupid offensive things I will probably say in my old age. As I come closer to having one foot in the grave I can only hope that when it is time for me move on from this world I will have learned as much as I could have from the human experience.