I have finally finished moving into my new apartment. The place I work at has two different apartment types that the foreign teachers have to live in. The first is called "The small home." The small home is what I moved into when I arrived here last October. They were being kind when they called these apartments the small home. If I was to name them I would have called them "The Tiny Ass Closet." As the months have quickly disappeared into the Korean atmosphere I've found that I became quite used to my small home. It was difficult during the first month or so but after a while I forgot what it was like to have a couch, a comfy chair, a kitchen, a table, a bedroom, a closet and a host of other things I took for granted living in the U.S. I imagine this must be what those poor animals we raise to consume must feel like. Not the free range cows, chickens, pigs and whatever other beast we like to stick into our guts, I'm talking about the ones that never see the light of day. The ones that never touch the earth with the claws or hooves. The ones that end up getting fed by machines which are programmed to dispense food at a certain time each day. This is why I try to pay that little extra for meat that has been raised for slaughter in the most humane fashion possible. I want my meat to of had a very happy and care free life before its life force was extinguished so I might have some juicy steaks to consume with my friends over a nice glass of wine.
Anyways, the powers that be decided that I "deserve" a larger apartment. They decided I deserve a "double home." Once again I think they got the name all wrong on these apartments. Compared to the "small home" these apartments should be called "You're so lucky you don't have to live in one of those shitty ass small homes home." It's like comparing Beverly Hills to an ant hill. The differences between the two places are so ridiculous I can't believe people don't riot over the unfairness of it all. Of course now that I'm living inside the city on top of the hill I would have no choice but to shoot any rioters attempting to get inside of my wonderful household.
I have so much space in my new place I don't know what to do. I have my own bedroom. I have a couch now. There is land, thats right, LAND outside my apartment window. I could go outside right now and roll around in it if I wanted to. I wasn't joking about my place being on top of a hill either. They moved me into the same building as the head honcho of the entire school, so the building must therefore sit on the highest point inside the campus. I'm going to enjoy my time in my new home but I'm keeping in mind that they could just as easily cast me down from Mount Olympus to live once again among man.
I am resigning for another contract with my company at the end of October. I am resigning because I would like to have some more money in my savings account when I return to the United States and I don't want to return during the winter season. This means that I have to jump through several different hoops to get a visa extension which requires that I once again get fingerprints taken...even though I've been in Korea since my last criminal background check...which would mean any crimes I have committed since the last check would have taken place in Korea. It's a silly process and I have to rely on my friends and family to help me get the information I need to stay here longer.
This got me thinking about how important it is to have friends. Family is family so even if I wanted to I couldn't get rid of them. But friends come and go. Ever since I've been working on non-fiction fictional accounts I have been forced to see that I have lost many a decent person from my past. The interesting thing about this fact is that these relationships did not end because of betrayal or anger. Some ended because of distance and some ended because neither of us attempted to keep in touch with each other. Again, none of these failed friendships or relationships is from my childhood. I still have the majority of my childhood friends. As a matter of fact the only true childhood friend that I have lost is because he's no longer living. I wonder what that says about the bonds we can make as small children and how important those bonds are.
It's the people who I have met since high school who seem to fade in and fade out. I'm not talking about the people who were just fun to hang out with but were never really my friends. I'm not talking about the girls who I dated because I like to have people to see movies with. I'm talking about my good friends and relationships who I have little to no contact with any more. What the fuck happened? This might come as a shock to some but I don't just stop talking to people without good reason. If you have shown yourself to be untrustworthy or selfish then the odds are that you aren't reading this blog. I don't have time for people who I cannot trust or just want to talk about themselves all the time in my life. You know the kind of person I'm talking about. The kind of person who keeps a blog about their life and their thoughts. The kind of person who is so conceded that they think people are interested in what they have to say and want to read about it....oh shit, wait a minute!
Anyways, working on my non-fiction fictional accounts has made me miss some of my old friends who I have not seen or talked to in a very long time. These were people I spent my college years with. The people I spent my years in California with. These were my friends. Don't get me wrong now. I'm not the type of person who wants to keep everyone around. Some people need to be cut the fuck loose. I'm talking about the people who I took for granted and are now lost to me. I got lazy and they got lazy and we ended up losing each other.
I'll be sure to not get lazy with the people who are still around.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The universe is whispering to us
Lately I've been working on what appears to be the beginnings of a book so I have not felt much like writing a blog. But at this moment I'm sitting down at my computer, my sliding glass door is open and the wind is massaging my room. It's quiet outside. I'm playing music from one of my playlists on itunes. Bon Iver's "Stacks" is coming out of the speakers. Look em' up, I think the majority of you would like their sound. This playlist selection is entitled "slow" because the music is really chill and relaxing. I've always given my playlists names. I used to give my mixed tapes names and every time I burn a CD I have to name it. I'm sure I have some pretty embarrassing mixed tapes out there from my youth. The ones that survived are probably being kept around to be used as blackmail one day.
It's almost 8:00 at night and Korea ain't so bad around this time. At least not where I live. I'm away from the city which means I'm usually away from the pollution, the smells, the people, and the sounds. I've got a slight irritation in my throat that has been there for about a week. Every morning I wake up I've been going through a ritual which does not need to be discussed in detail. I've been going to be before 9:30 for the past few weeks now. I'm not sure why that is but I've been tired. I wake up early, usually around 5:15 in the morning. I go for a jog and then to the gym. I take a shower and get ready for my day. It's all very routine and not in the least bit exciting. I knew I should have been a spy...never a dull moment when you're a spy.
The things I have been writing lately have been from my past. It's pretty amazing the things you can remember when you take the time to reflect on your life. I'm a lot more interesting then I give myself credit for. I've also come such a long way from the person I used to be. The way I act, the way I think about myself and the way I treat people has gone through such a metamorphosis. I'm still in a cocoon, but I know I'll have wings one day.
Something I've been thinking about lately but have not written down (because it has nothing to do with the theme of my project) is my unyielding fear of death. It's been there since I first was able to comprehend mortality. It's the kind of worry that's ridiculous if you really think about it. This is one fight I will not be able to win. Why worry about something like death? There's absolutely nothing to be done about it, nothing at all. But I remember waking up in terror as a child. I'm talking since first grade. I don't discuss this with people very often. Maybe a handful of people know about my issue.
You see I have a great love of life. I love it, even when it's really, really bad. This is probably why I have such a fascination with Sci-fi movies. Anything with time travel and immortality has always appealed to me. Unfortunately, anything with time travel and immortality usually makes for a really shitty movie...but I watch it anyways. Vampires! I love me some Vampires! This could have more to do with my dad and his love of horror movies than with my fear of death, but I'm sure it's worked it's way in there some how.
I sometimes envy the extremely religious types. The believe with all their heart that when their numbers up they will be going somewhere else. I would love to feel this way but the truth is I don't. I never really did, even when I was going to Catholic School. All the kids dressed in their little blue and white outfits would be talking about what it would be like in heaven one day and I thought they were sick little bastards. I remember thinking, why is every body always talking about death at church. I wanna live dammit! I wanna live! Don't make me think about this shit. But I did, I thought about it at night when I was trying to sleep. I would close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to die and then my heart would feel like it was about to explode. I would just out of bed and start swinging wildly into the night air like I could connect a fist with the face of death. This usually lasted about 30 seconds or so and then I would dive back into bed with tears running down my face. I was too fucking young to be crying about my impending death. I should have been thinking about soccer or sleepovers but I was giving way too much of my energy to death.
This feeling that I first had in the first grade has never gone away. I'm 32 years old and sometimes when I'm alone and awake late at night I find myself still swinging wildly into the dark. My heart still feels like it's going to leap out of my chest and I still know that the worry is fruitless. There is nothing that can be done about it. One day I will no longer be here. The world will truly end for Chris Williams and that still sends a chill down my spine. The interesting thing about all this is that I'm a pretty happy person. I'm usually in a good mood and I'm always up for a good laugh. It's just this one thing...this one little thing that has always been looking over my shoulder. I've been able to function because I'm very skilled at occupying my brain with more pressing matters. It's not like death is going any where, right?
I'm sure there's some kind of pill I can take that, along with making me drool, would also make me forget about my little death problem but I would never swallow such a pill. I've seen a handful of dead people in my lifetime. Some have been family members and others have been close friends. The feeling I get when I look at a dead body is just that, I'm looking at a dead body. That thing that used to make my buddy "my buddy" is no longer present. It's not there any more, it's gone away or it's burned out. I prefer to think that it's gone away like a feather in the wind.
I do think that the older I get the more life I notice all around me. I feel wrapped in it's warmth and that makes me feel good and special. I'm absolutely convinced that there is so much more to "this" than any of us realize. Sometimes I feel like the universe is whispering to me but I'm just too far away to make out what it's saying. I'm going to continue to keep an ear out for what ever message or messages are trying to come my way.
It's almost 8:00 at night and Korea ain't so bad around this time. At least not where I live. I'm away from the city which means I'm usually away from the pollution, the smells, the people, and the sounds. I've got a slight irritation in my throat that has been there for about a week. Every morning I wake up I've been going through a ritual which does not need to be discussed in detail. I've been going to be before 9:30 for the past few weeks now. I'm not sure why that is but I've been tired. I wake up early, usually around 5:15 in the morning. I go for a jog and then to the gym. I take a shower and get ready for my day. It's all very routine and not in the least bit exciting. I knew I should have been a spy...never a dull moment when you're a spy.
The things I have been writing lately have been from my past. It's pretty amazing the things you can remember when you take the time to reflect on your life. I'm a lot more interesting then I give myself credit for. I've also come such a long way from the person I used to be. The way I act, the way I think about myself and the way I treat people has gone through such a metamorphosis. I'm still in a cocoon, but I know I'll have wings one day.
Something I've been thinking about lately but have not written down (because it has nothing to do with the theme of my project) is my unyielding fear of death. It's been there since I first was able to comprehend mortality. It's the kind of worry that's ridiculous if you really think about it. This is one fight I will not be able to win. Why worry about something like death? There's absolutely nothing to be done about it, nothing at all. But I remember waking up in terror as a child. I'm talking since first grade. I don't discuss this with people very often. Maybe a handful of people know about my issue.
You see I have a great love of life. I love it, even when it's really, really bad. This is probably why I have such a fascination with Sci-fi movies. Anything with time travel and immortality has always appealed to me. Unfortunately, anything with time travel and immortality usually makes for a really shitty movie...but I watch it anyways. Vampires! I love me some Vampires! This could have more to do with my dad and his love of horror movies than with my fear of death, but I'm sure it's worked it's way in there some how.
I sometimes envy the extremely religious types. The believe with all their heart that when their numbers up they will be going somewhere else. I would love to feel this way but the truth is I don't. I never really did, even when I was going to Catholic School. All the kids dressed in their little blue and white outfits would be talking about what it would be like in heaven one day and I thought they were sick little bastards. I remember thinking, why is every body always talking about death at church. I wanna live dammit! I wanna live! Don't make me think about this shit. But I did, I thought about it at night when I was trying to sleep. I would close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to die and then my heart would feel like it was about to explode. I would just out of bed and start swinging wildly into the night air like I could connect a fist with the face of death. This usually lasted about 30 seconds or so and then I would dive back into bed with tears running down my face. I was too fucking young to be crying about my impending death. I should have been thinking about soccer or sleepovers but I was giving way too much of my energy to death.
This feeling that I first had in the first grade has never gone away. I'm 32 years old and sometimes when I'm alone and awake late at night I find myself still swinging wildly into the dark. My heart still feels like it's going to leap out of my chest and I still know that the worry is fruitless. There is nothing that can be done about it. One day I will no longer be here. The world will truly end for Chris Williams and that still sends a chill down my spine. The interesting thing about all this is that I'm a pretty happy person. I'm usually in a good mood and I'm always up for a good laugh. It's just this one thing...this one little thing that has always been looking over my shoulder. I've been able to function because I'm very skilled at occupying my brain with more pressing matters. It's not like death is going any where, right?
I'm sure there's some kind of pill I can take that, along with making me drool, would also make me forget about my little death problem but I would never swallow such a pill. I've seen a handful of dead people in my lifetime. Some have been family members and others have been close friends. The feeling I get when I look at a dead body is just that, I'm looking at a dead body. That thing that used to make my buddy "my buddy" is no longer present. It's not there any more, it's gone away or it's burned out. I prefer to think that it's gone away like a feather in the wind.
I do think that the older I get the more life I notice all around me. I feel wrapped in it's warmth and that makes me feel good and special. I'm absolutely convinced that there is so much more to "this" than any of us realize. Sometimes I feel like the universe is whispering to me but I'm just too far away to make out what it's saying. I'm going to continue to keep an ear out for what ever message or messages are trying to come my way.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Korea? Not so much.
I took all of last week off from work and it was nice. I needed a break. I didn't realize how much I needed a break until I got one actually. Work has been gnawing at my soul lately. Here's what I realized during my vacation...I don't really like Korea...at all. Some places just are not for everybody and Korea is that place for me. I don't like it, and I'm OK with that. I've been fighting this feeling since I've arrived here and after nine months of being here I've come to this conclusion. I don't like the way most things operate here and I don't particularly like the land.
I went to a national park over my vacation and it was nice. It was clean and the rivers that ran through it were crystal clear. Danielle and I actually cooled ourselves off in the rushing water. I could not stop talking about how clean the water was because I've become used to dirty, brown water in the rivers around my apartment and most places in the country. I took Portland and Oregon for granted. Portland is such a clean city compared to pretty much any where in all of Korea. The Gorge was just a place that I used to visit with my friends on occasion. I can not believe how much I took the environment for granted.
Nothing bad happened during my vacation, I just had a lot of time to think. I just don't like Korea. I'm not depressed although I might be a little bit home sick, which is ironic because I have yet to live any where that felt like home to me. That said, Portland is a pretty nice place to collect ones thoughts. I don't hate Korea, I just don't like it. It doesn't fit my energy or my personality. But I'm glad I came here. I think you can always find positive things about challenging situations. Being here has opened a creative vein inside of me that has been dormant for way to long. Living here has forced me to evaluate and reflect on who I am and what I am willing to fight for, give up and wait on.
I'm writing more than I have in years and I'm kind of sorta working on a book. This blog helps keep me grounded and sane to be honest. I'm about 90% honest which is freeing for me. I just type what I feel. I don't say everything I want to say all the time but I get enough out so that I don't explode.
Getting messages from my friends has helped to keep the crazy off me. I can understand why some people come here and just lose their shit. I've witnessed a couple such incidents while I've been here. I think people can feel pretty isolated at times, but that's not really particular to Korea. It seems that people I know are feeling isolated all over the place. When I feel my mood shift like this it helps me not to fight it. I just accept that this is the way I'm feeling and that it may or it may not change. I do the same thing when I start to question what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I think to myself, "OK asshole, you're in Korea, you don't like it that much, but you're here so get over it and make use of your time." I'm here, that's not going to change for the time being so how can I make the most of my time while I'm here to improve myself?
So much change going on. And it's not just me. I've heard from a lot of you who are going through changes. Changes with work, changes in health, changes in attitude, changes in your relationship. There's nothing quite like that feeling that you're just going through the motions. It's like walking through quicksand. It's difficult and it happens to the best of us. But what do they say to do if you get stuck in quicksand? They say you should completely relax. They say you should relax every single muscle in your body and not struggle. Struggling only makes it worse. Well, I've never seen quicksand before in my life and you can bet if I fell into a pit of it I would be one struggling ass black man, but I'm sure after I tired myself out and realized I wasn't going any where I would relax. I would relax and then make my way to safety.
That's where I've been at in my life for a while. I've been struggling. Fighting. I've been feeling the weight of living for a while and I only recently took a deep breath and relaxed. I don't think life is supposed to be easy but I don't think it should be a struggle either. There are too many things to enjoy. So I can dislike Korea and not have it infect my outlook on life. I can have challenges in my relationship and not have it distort my view of love. I can feel lost in my life and not be afraid to explore my world. I've got to remember to relax and breath. Relax and breath.
I went to a national park over my vacation and it was nice. It was clean and the rivers that ran through it were crystal clear. Danielle and I actually cooled ourselves off in the rushing water. I could not stop talking about how clean the water was because I've become used to dirty, brown water in the rivers around my apartment and most places in the country. I took Portland and Oregon for granted. Portland is such a clean city compared to pretty much any where in all of Korea. The Gorge was just a place that I used to visit with my friends on occasion. I can not believe how much I took the environment for granted.
Nothing bad happened during my vacation, I just had a lot of time to think. I just don't like Korea. I'm not depressed although I might be a little bit home sick, which is ironic because I have yet to live any where that felt like home to me. That said, Portland is a pretty nice place to collect ones thoughts. I don't hate Korea, I just don't like it. It doesn't fit my energy or my personality. But I'm glad I came here. I think you can always find positive things about challenging situations. Being here has opened a creative vein inside of me that has been dormant for way to long. Living here has forced me to evaluate and reflect on who I am and what I am willing to fight for, give up and wait on.
I'm writing more than I have in years and I'm kind of sorta working on a book. This blog helps keep me grounded and sane to be honest. I'm about 90% honest which is freeing for me. I just type what I feel. I don't say everything I want to say all the time but I get enough out so that I don't explode.
Getting messages from my friends has helped to keep the crazy off me. I can understand why some people come here and just lose their shit. I've witnessed a couple such incidents while I've been here. I think people can feel pretty isolated at times, but that's not really particular to Korea. It seems that people I know are feeling isolated all over the place. When I feel my mood shift like this it helps me not to fight it. I just accept that this is the way I'm feeling and that it may or it may not change. I do the same thing when I start to question what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I think to myself, "OK asshole, you're in Korea, you don't like it that much, but you're here so get over it and make use of your time." I'm here, that's not going to change for the time being so how can I make the most of my time while I'm here to improve myself?
So much change going on. And it's not just me. I've heard from a lot of you who are going through changes. Changes with work, changes in health, changes in attitude, changes in your relationship. There's nothing quite like that feeling that you're just going through the motions. It's like walking through quicksand. It's difficult and it happens to the best of us. But what do they say to do if you get stuck in quicksand? They say you should completely relax. They say you should relax every single muscle in your body and not struggle. Struggling only makes it worse. Well, I've never seen quicksand before in my life and you can bet if I fell into a pit of it I would be one struggling ass black man, but I'm sure after I tired myself out and realized I wasn't going any where I would relax. I would relax and then make my way to safety.
That's where I've been at in my life for a while. I've been struggling. Fighting. I've been feeling the weight of living for a while and I only recently took a deep breath and relaxed. I don't think life is supposed to be easy but I don't think it should be a struggle either. There are too many things to enjoy. So I can dislike Korea and not have it infect my outlook on life. I can have challenges in my relationship and not have it distort my view of love. I can feel lost in my life and not be afraid to explore my world. I've got to remember to relax and breath. Relax and breath.
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