Is it hot in here or is it just me?

The first thing you need to know while you are reading this blog is this....my current body temperature is 103 degrees. The current temperature outside is 75 degrees and very very muggy. I'm sitting here in my underwear sweating like a (insert your own joke here, I'm too tired to think of one) This is the second time in my life I've had this high of a temperature. The first time I was a sophomore at Colorado College and I spent 3 days cocooned in my loft dead to the world. This time is completely different. I still feel like I may die but my body doesn't ache in the same way it did in Colorado. I don't know if this is the Korean Plague but it's been a while since I got sick here. My throat doesn't hurt. I have a slight headache and I feel as though I will fall over when I get up to use the bathroom soon. I refuse to be that person who dies in a pile of their own shit so don't worry about that. Some of you (Alex and Toby) would find that humorous....dicks! So here's what happened:

In the last 40 hours several events have taken place. I lost my phone and found it in the freezer. I discovered that I live next to an anti-semitic who weighs in at 280 and stands six feet five inches. I was invited to taste some lovely dog soup. I was contacted by an old elementary school friend on facebook. I witnessed a Korean taxi driver run a red light (happens all the time here) and run into a garbage truck (this does not happen all the time). I almost bought a car for 900,000 won (that's around $915 American Dollars). I was surrounded by six, nine year old Korean girls who were convinced they could rub the black color off my arm and looked very perplexed when they could not. Someone told me a secret I wish they would have kept to themselves. I have spent way to much time in the bathroom (maybe I should have kept that a secret from you?). I went out with a group of people for a good-bye dinner to one of the nine teachers who are leaving Korea where I work. During this dinner I was pulled into a secluded corner by the teacher who is leaving. I thought she was going to try to kiss me (if she had I would have emailed Danielle right when I got home to explain the situation) but then she told me I was the first man whom she did not grow up with who never tried to "hook up" with her or have sex with her. She gave me a warm hug and said thank you. Now, I don't know if this is the fever typing but I feel I must go off on a little tangent at this moment.

First of all, this is not the first female friend I've had who has said something like this to me. I find this to be a sad fact. Does this mean that these women are trying to make friends with men who ultimately just want to "hook up" with them some where down the line? Second of all, the fact that she felt she needed to thank me (like I was struggling with my "big male penis" to keep it in line) for NOT trying to "hook up" made me take a mental step back. Now, from the day I met this woman she knew I had a girlfriend. We talked about Danielle on several different occasions and although she never met her I feel like she understood my feelings for my girlfriend. This means that I'm left to believe that in the back of her mind she feels that the majority of men are dogs. Thinking about it now, I'm kind of sad her experiences to date have been less than redeeming for the male specious. Anyways, back to my fever saturated blog...

She gave me a warm hug, said thank you and I kind of felt like an asshole for thinking she was going to try kiss me. Instead, she gave me a wonderful compliment. I've seen way too many movies in my life time where something like that happens. I've been brain washed to think when women pulls you into a corner she's going to try and kiss you.

40 hours have gone by and my life has been pretty active. My phone is no longer frozen, I informed the anti-semitic giant that I'm a fan of "the Jews" and his jokes were neither funny or appropriate. I politely said no to the whole dog soup thing. I wrote my old friend back and found out she was happily married and doing very well for herself. I hope she continues to write me...if I don't die from the Korean fever that is. The traffic accident took place while I was jogging. I slowed down but since I don't speak Korean and none of the men seemed to be injured I kept on jogging. I decided soon after that not to buy the car from a teacher who's returning to the U.S. I tried to explain to the six little girls circling me that black was the color of my skin. It was not going to come off on their fingers if they rubbed it. I have not told anyone the secret that was told to me (I'm hoping the fever erases my memory of the past 12 hours so I forget it). I'm still bathroom bound and have had to take several breaks while typing this blog. I hugged my teacher friend back and told her she was welcome and wished her luck in the future.

I've had a fever for the past 20 hours. I refuse to go to the hospital because I'm afraid of Korean Hospitals. They tend to do things to you without your consent. Needles just appear out of the thin air and plunge themselves into your flesh searching for that elusive vein. Instead I went to the school nurse. She took my temperature and although her English is limited the look on her face was easily translatable. I'm fucked at the moment. She took my temperature a second time and one of the Korean teachers came in the office to translate that I should go to the hospital. I said no, she gave me pills....lots of pills and I swear I saw her make a sign of the cross when I left her office. Having a high temperature when it's hot and muggy sucks. Having a high temperature in a foreign country really sucks. I should be in bed but I keep having flights of fancy. The fact that I just typed "flights of fancy" confirms to me that I need to go to bed. Am I dying? Probably not, but part of me is concerned about falling asleep. The only light in my closet of a room is coming from this laptop that I find myself currently punching keys on. It's a dull light that doesn't hurt my eyes. My head will not stop dripping with sweat and I think the prospects of getting a good nights sleep is minimal at best. It just took me five tries to type the correct spelling of "minimal". I'd say it's the fever but I've always been a horrible speller.

So here's what I'm going to do. If I wake up tomorrow and my temperature is higher than that probably means I'm dying and I'll have to get down to Seoul and check myself into the international hospital. If I wake up tomorrow and I feel the same I'll actually take these pills that the nurse gave me. I have no idea what they are and I don't like taking pills but I'll make an exception in this case. If I wake up tomorrow and my fever is broken I will welcome the coming day with open arms and shed a tear of happiness. I believe that if I go to bed thinking happy thoughts the third scenario will greet me in the morning.

I really have no idea what I've just written over the past half hour but I think I just wanted to take my mind off the fact that I'm hurting at the moment. Alex, Toby, if I die, I've instructed that letters be mailed to everyone you've ever lied to detailing said lies. It's my going away gift to the worse friends a guy could ask for....dicks!

Thanks Cuz

I recently heard from a relative of mine. He wrote to me that he had read some of my blogs and found particular interests in my views about Mississippi. He told me that he didn't realize I had such horrific experiences there and then he wrote something that made me take a step back. He reminded me that he was the one who had to grow up in that environment. I believe his exact words were "hell hole". I never really thought about it like that. He know longer lives there but that is where he spent his childhood years. If being forced to visit this place in the summer times left such a deep impression on my life then I can only imagine what growing up there did to him and the rest of my relatives. I'm a little bit older than my cousin and he no longer lives there. As a matter of fact he came to live in my home town of East Lansing Michigan when he reached his mid teenage years. I'm curious about the stories he has to tell about his time in Mississippi. I wonder how foolish I must look complaining about my one month stays in his "hometown".

I consider myself lucky. I had a mother and a father who participated in my life from the very beginning. My neighborhood was clean and the public school system in my community was second to none. I was never hungry. I was never lonely. I was even spoiled at times. But, most importantly I was safe. It was that safety that let me develop into the human being I am today. I could be wrong but I don't believe my cousin was lucky enough to grow up in that environment. Which makes the fact that he is an intelligent functional young man all the more impressive. I had advantages that he did not and for one month in the summers I was forced to bare witness to this fact. Maybe that's why I have such uncomfortable memories of those summer months. I sometimes wonder if my parents had that intention when they shipped me down south. If their intention was to educate me about how lucky I truly was? If this was the case then I am forced to ask the follow up question...Why was my brother allowed to stay home? Perhaps these are the ramblings of a man who still feels the sting only a sibling can get when they sense unequal treatment by the parental beings in their life. I guess receiving his email reminded me to be thankful for those things that I so easily take for granted.

There are a lot of things I take for granted in my life. There are a lot of people I take for granted in my life too. I get the feeling I'm not the only one in the world who does this. I think taking people for granted is like losing a piece of your body. You've heard of people losing limbs but still feeling sensations in the missing body part. You don't think about how nice it is to have legs, arms, or hands until something happens to them. You don't think about how nice it is to have someone to love or talk to who you trust until that reality is threatened.

So I think I'll concentrate on all the things that are good in life for a while...at least until I hear the next George W. sound-byte.

Time to buy an umbrella

I'm sitting in my room on my day off with nothing on but box briefs. June in Korea is wet and humid. I've heard word that this weather now is nothing compared to July and August. The rainy season approaches and I am still without an umbrella. Why? Because I'm lazy. I have walked by endless numbers of stores and little side booths selling umbrellas and I have never once stopped. I stare at the umbrellas as I pass them and I think "I should really buy an umbrella", but I don't. My mission in the next seven days is to finally buy one. Being hot is one thing, but being hot and wet is a completely different kind of uncomfortable. You'd think when living in a country and noticing that all the natives have umbrellas one would think to buy one right away....yeah, you'd think but I obviously missed all the millions of clues walking around dry when I get soaked by the down pours. I've actually never seen umbrellas as big as the ones I've seen here. These are not American umbrellas. These are Korean monsoon umbrellas. They are gigantic. They have to be because rain in Korea comes from all directions. That's why everybody also wears knee high rubber boots....yet another item I have not bought but this is not all my fault. They don't really have the larger shoe sizes in this country and I wear size 12. They're out there but I need to look a little harder.

The more I think about it and review the clothes and items I decided to bring with me to Korea the more I realize what a horrible horrible job I did packing. 75% of everything I brought is unnecessary and impractical. I am actually in the process of putting all these items into a box and shipping them home. I have also come to see that I have way too much stuff. When I come home next summer I'm going to be getting rid of a lot of my things. I don't need that much stuff...here or there. It's actually kind of nice knowing I don't need so much stuff.

I probably have a condition of sorts if I'm being honest. I give stuff away all the time. I always have. Clothes, furniture, my opinions, you name it I've probably given it away. I think this may have something to do with growing up in a household that was full of things. I like my space...in every sense of the word. I don't like clutter and I don't like being unable to move around. My childhood home was always full of things and the last time I went home it still was filled to the edges with all sorts of distractions.

However, don't misunderstand what I'm writing to mean that I don't like nice things. If I'm to continue this honest revelation I should recognize the fact that I've become somewhat of a snob. I like nice things. I just don't need to have a room full of them. I like nice clothes even though some people would say all I wear are jeans and t-shirts. Some people (Danielle) would be correct. It's really the most comfortable outfit around. I'll never have a job that requires me to wear a suit all the time. Even though I look like an Ebony magazine model when I put a suit on. For those of you who are confused right now (Toby, Alex, Luke, Browny, and every other white dude with the exception of Fitty who I'm friends with) Ebony Magazine is kind of like People magazine except it predominately black folks in the pics and the articles are mostly about black people. I'm sure Alex will now go out and get a subscription. Your fascination with black people verges on the inappropriate buddy. Just thought you should know that. But I'm getting off point. I don't even own a suit these days. I actually have not owned a suit since I stopped playing football after college. I have a feeling that as a 32 year old man I'm not going to get away with not owning a suit for much longer.

Korea is helping me to sort some parts of my life out. I'm thinking about how I wanna spend the next 32 years of my life. I don't want to be stuck in an office. I need to be able to travel and experience different cultures and peeps. I now know that I want more responsibility in my next job. I have the qualifications and as time passes in Korea I'm realizing that I'm smarter and more capable than a lot of the people I have to deal with as supervisors. I don't mean that as a slight towards those people but I can't deny the fact that I'm ridiculously more qualified and organized. That might make me look like a cocky ass hole but it's really just me growing up and realizing that I can't be afraid of having a leadership position in life. I usually play it safe so that I can't be blamed if things go wrong but in the mean time I'm doing so much work to ensure that things go well. Plus I realized that everybody makes mistakes it's how you handle the mistakes that's important...corny but so true.

Your last choice ever?

Man, Senator Clinton supporters are pissed off. These people are up in arms about the treatment of their candidate. People screaming things like "No Obama" or "Clinton or McCain". First of all, I think their feelings are completely valid. Senator Clinton has received a raw deal from the press and other media sources. She has been treated disrespectfully by countless numbers of people with influence. Sexism runs wild in the United States and I think a lot of old and "not so old" wounds are being exposed here. Debates about if it's OK to call Senator Clinton a bitch or not, some idiot man holding up a sign reading "wash my shirt". Comments on fox by male reporters stating that Senator Clinton reminds them of an "ex-wife", these are all shameful events. Some men and some women for that matter are uncomfortable with having women in positions of power. I've said this before and I still believe it's true that women are the most oppressed group on the planet. They are systematically sealed off from positions of power, self sufficiency and self determination. I'm not sure if that's the same thing or not but it sounds good regardless.

Men who fear equal and fair treatment of the opposite sex have always fascinated me. It's almost as if it would be admitting there was something wrong with them as a man to have a women elevated above them in some capacity. As if it is the "divine right" of man to be above woman. I'm sure at some point in my life this world view was implanted inside of my head but it didn't remain there long. I grew up in a house hold with a strong female presence. All my life I've been surrounded by strong, intelligent women. I have way more female friends than I do male friends and that has nothing to do with liking the company of women. I just want to be in good position when they finally realize they have the power to take over the world.

As a man, I can never truly understand what it is like to be a woman in these times. But that is not an excuse not to try to become as aware as I possible can. I have to reflect honestly on my own shit and be truthful about some of the deeply buried prejudices I might have towards women that reside in my brain. Flip that mental rug over, look at the mess I've been sweeping under it and clean it up. This helps me to be a better friend and a more present partner. I consider myself a "listener of stories" and I have an excellent memory. The physical, emotional and mental abuses my female friends have had to endure during their lives is shameful.

I'm sure Senator Clinton's past isn't that different from my friends. Just look at the embarrassment she had to endure when her husband decided to step out on her. Imagine the strength it takes to have the entire world....THE ENTIRE WORLD know that your partner doesn't respect your relationship? That is a gigantic cross she bared and we all watched her do it.

Does this blog mean that I'm a Clinton supporter? Nope. I don't think I am. But I'm not a Clinton "non supporter" either. I'm one of those people who find that "any change" from the current direction our country continues to sail towards would be life saving. Our country and our world is heading for disaster. I believe that with all my heart. But I also believe we are not lost yet. We are not completely lost. I do have hope and those who might mock the idea of hope may not be the right choice in my opinion to lead us away from the edge of the abyss.

So those of you who feel that Senator Clinton got a raw deal and was mistreated I would have to agree with you. But for those of you who are thinking of voting for McCain as a result of Senator Clinton's mistreatment will result in something positive you are very, very wrong! The next President of the United States will choose at least two of the next Supreme Court Justices. Those folks who are elected to the highest court in the land for life. Well, McCain has already said that he will nominate judges like those that George Bush nominated during his terms. That would be Roberts and Alito. In case you have not noticed these are not the most minority rights friendly folks. A woman's right to choose will be taken away. So I am at a loss when I see people jump from Clinton to McCain. These are the kind of choices that will effect our children's children.

Once the democratic primary shit storm has settled down I hope people will think long and hard about the choice they make. This just may be the last choice you are allowed to make for a long long time.