Shift Change...

I'd like to take this time to thank all my friends who have felt it necessary to say nice things about my character, my physical appearance, and my intelligence. However, I did not write the previous blog fishing for compliments and I apologize if it was taken that way. I'm not the kind of guy who fishes for compliments. That said, some of you said some very nice things to me and it is much appreciated. I even had one of my more "ego deflating" friends say something very nice to me. But she felt prefaced her nice comment by informing me she would go back to normal very soon. I wish I could put into words how nice it is to have people in my life (even the ones who I only email with) who care enough to say "anything" to me. You have no idea how important it is just to have people acknowledge your existence sometimes. I appreciate it and I hope I give something back to our relationship.

Total side note: I've been spelling the word "Yay" like this "Y-e-a-h." I've been spelling it that way for years now and last week a friend informed me that I was spelling what I was saying the wrong. Yeah is another way of saying yes and I know this. But for some reason I've been spelling Yay yeah? I have no idea why but I've been doing it forever. Never to old to learn right?

Here's a question. Have you ever felt a shift in your person? Meaning, have you ever felt yourself change. Like one day you walk up and you just feel like a different person. Not drastically. You don't wake up and think you're the queen of England, but you wake up and things seem different. You see people differently and you respond to stimulus differently. I feel like this week I've made a huge shift in my person. I don't think the car accident explains it completely however. Perhaps it's my approaching 33 birthday, but I doubt it.

The weather in Korea is getting ready to change once more and I can feel a tug in my soul to change with it. I feel that I've strengthened so many bonds with people who I have not seen in two years or more while I've been here. I know that I've made at least one strong friendship with a person who I didn't hang out with very often when we lived 10 feet apart from each other. But now I value her friendship and her words very much. It's funny how that works out. I've reconnected with old college friends who were so near and dear to my heart during those undergrad years. This may surprise some of you but I usually leave spaces open in my heart for people I care or cared about to return one day.

I think I'm gonna take a road trip when I get back to the United States. Well, I know I'm gonna take a road trip when I get back to the United States but I'm not really sure where I'm going, just know I should visit some folks. Thank God I've been filling my ipod up with the perfect road trip music. I'm sure some of you reading this will join me on my adventures this summer.

I was having an instant chat with a friend of mine who referred to me as her brother and it really warmed my heart cause she's like a sister to me. I always wanted a sister and she always wanted a brother so it's perfect. But we were talking about transition and moving on from the old to the new. We were talking about relationships, family and life in general and I realized that I'm just slow. I might eat fast but I take my time with everything else. I chew my life at least twenty times before swallowing it. I wouldn't say I'm careful, although I'm sure some people would, I just take my time. But, once I feel that shift, it's done. It's not written in stone, it's just done. And, I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm done with the part of my life I've been living for the past five years really. I'm ready for the next phase...I'm excited for the next phase really.

It's time for me to allow myself to trust and to believe in other people. No one should be an island unto themselves after all. At least that's what they say.

Another side note: Am I going to have to change the title of my blog when I return to the United States. Chris goes East...wayyyyy East doesn't make much sense if I'm back in the states. Plus, what if I leave again but I go to South America or somewhere in Europe? I'm sure I'll think of something. I'm glad we got that taken care of.

Well, we've come to the end of another random ass Chris Blog. I hope it was everything you hoped it would be. If you see my dad wish him a happy birthday. I'm not sure how old her is but his birthday is on the 26Th of Feb. I think he's 59 but since black don't crack it's hard to tell. Look at me, I'm almost 33 and I look like I'm 25...at least that's what I keep telling myself. Talk to some of you soon. Thinking about most of you always.

I'm over myself...

Here's what happens when one has a roll over in a taxi. First, the person in the actual accident begins to re-evaluate certain things in their life. For me, I'm realizing that some of the things which have been haunting me really shouldn't have power over my life any more. Some of the things I spend my time and energy thinking about don't require that much space or thought. But most of all, I'm beginning to realize that I actually could be hurt serious at any moment and it would be a shame to have to leave this planet at this point in my life. I've talked to some of you on Skype and I've heard from some of you through email messages. I appreciate the concern and the overall communication in general.

The second thing that happens when a person is in an accident, at least in my case, is that "old man" crushes seem to increase in their numbers. The amount of visitors I've had since Sunday has increase about 70%. Keep in mind that although I'm sore and have a couple of deep bruises in my chest area I'm fine. But, I've had more cookies and other food gifts coming through my door than I did for my Thanksgiving Party. I will never turn down food, especially homemade cookies in a country where ovens are few and far between. I love food and I love sweets and now I have a room full of these things. The strangeness comes when young ladies sit me down on the couch with a very serious expression on their faces. There's a well placed hand on my thigh, a deep look into my eyes, and/or a quick slide so that our hips are touching. They then tell me all the horrible things that could have happened to me and how lucky I am to still be alive. Of course I feel lucky and blessed to have walked away from an accident and I appreciate their concern and I'm tickled by the attempted drama but I'm still stuck when it comes to the ladies.

One of my friends likes to tell me that I have too many female friends. This is ironic because she's a female and a really good friend. I have another friend (female) who tells me I just need to get over myself and then everything will just "fall into place." I love my friends and I love all the advice I get. Sometimes I get the feeling some of them are writing papers about me to be submitted in Psychology Today but I'm sure that's just paranoia. In my defense I would like to say that I don't agree that I need to "get over myself." At least not when it comes to women. I do have a very high opinion of myself in most matters but not when it comes to the ladies. By no means do I think I'm unattractive, I'm one sexy, bald headed black man! But, I've always had discomfort with women who express attraction towards me and I think maybe that's what I need to get over. I'm awesome! I'm just awesome and there's nothing I can do about that. I need to accept my awesomeness and move on.

So, this year, I'm going to work on feeling comfortable around women who are actually attracted to me. That's not as easy at it sound folks. I'd like to thank the bad driving skills of Korean cab drivers for this shift in my consciousness.

Lost in translation...again!

Another cold for Chris. Yes that's right, another cold. It's official, I've been sick more times during my stay here than I have for the past ten years of my life. Wait. Wait. It gets better ladies and gentlemen. Remember when I said I was coming home around May? Mmmmmmm, not looking so good now. The exchange rate from Korean Won to American Dollars took a nose dive into the crapper and I'm am a casualty of that war. Basically,I'd be losing around seven thousand dollars if the rate stays where it is at now. I have faith that it will get better but I think it's going to be a few months until it climbs up again and I just can't bare to part with seven thousand dollars of my hard earned money. I have not been sick every other month to lose seven thousand dollars when I fly home.

So what's my option? Well, I might be staying here until the end of July now. The end of July...it hurts to write it. But it's looking more and more like that is becoming my reality. Lucky for me summers are much more bearable than winters in Korea. With my luck the North will decide to invade and I'll end up in some strange circus where foreigners are forced to entertain the North Koreans. I better brush up on my monologues.

Since this is my year of acceptance I'm going to try not and focus on the negative aspects of staying here longer and concentrate on the positive. Staying that extra three months will allow me to earn more money. It will give my braces more time to remain on my teeth. That's right people, I have braces. I've had them for over a year now! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Man, if Chris is that handsome with braces on what will he be like with them off?" I told you, the older I get the better looking I become. Which is a good thing cause I'll be 33 years old the next time most of you see me again. If I returned to the states and my braces were not finished I would have to shell out more money to have them finished in Oregon which I'm sure would have ran me at least two thousand bucks.

I hate money. I do. It's so annoying and it's even more annoying when you don't have any of it. I feel like I would be a very responsible rich person. If I ever come into a lot of money I promise I will use it to better other peoples lives....after I pay off my student loans. Oh student loans, how I hate you so. So that's about all I have at this moment. I'm sick and apparently I'll be in Korea until I'm 66 years old. Naw, it could always be worse right? Life is taking me where it's taking me and there ain't nothing I can do about that. I'll know what's going on for sure by the end of March and I will keep those of you who care posted. I can promise you this though, I will see all of you who want to see me at some point next year, cause if I come home in August I will be back in the U.S. through the New Year. I still need me some Red, White and Blue time. Take care and I'll talk to most of you soon. Skype me!!!

I've been thinking...

I have been unable to work on my writings for a while now. I don't know what happened but I lost my juice. The only thing I've been writing lately is this blog and that is sporadic. Speaking of writing, what ever happened to cursive? I love cursive but I have not really written more than a paragraph with a pen or pencil in a long time. The group of Korean kids that I worked with for a month demanded good-bye letters from some of the teachers. Without thinking I wrote the first couple of letters in cursive and the response went something like this, "Teacher...very pretty but I don't understand, what is this???" I realized that most Koreans don't know how to read cursive and why would they. I wonder if, due to the invention of the laptop, kids in the U.S. even know how to read and write cursive these days.

Regardless I think I'm looking for inspiration and I've been unable to find any for a while. I'm hoping this void I'm in becomes filled with something very soon cause I'm tired of floating. I thought the recent loss of my dog might have jingled some creative genes loose in me but it didn't. Don't get me wrong. I'm not feeling sorry for myself I'm just feeling bored with myself. I can tell you this much, feeling bored with yourself is worse than feeling sorry for yourself. I've never enjoyed being bored but it still seems to happen to me more often than I'd like.

So here are some thoughts on short stories running through my head. For some reason I've been thinking about spin the bottle, dodge ball and the sense of entitlement wealth seems to give some people. Something is telling me to explore these three topics and see what comes out. Random, I know, but I might just start typing and see what happens.

Now, to more serious thoughts and concerns. I'm in this country for three more months and I'm obviously experiencing a lot of different emotions at the moment. So much has happened to me and around me since I've been here. I'm excited and a little bit nervous to return to Oregon this summer but mostly excited. I think moving away and particularly living overseas shows you who your friends really are. It showed me who the people are in my life who I can really count on and who really care about me...Alex, you are not one of those people!

There have been some pleasant surprises along the way. I know I'll be friends with people who I grew up with simply because they are patterned into my life story. There's nothing I can do about that. To even attempt to cut these people out (which I have no desire to do) of my life would be like giving myself a lobotomy. I'd just be hurting myself. So, even though Alex is a bastard, he is my bastard and I will always put up with his bastardizing.

A couple blogs ago I think I wrote that this year is going to be my year of acceptance and I still believe this is true. Things happen the way they happen and as long as I don't lose myself I should be okay in the end. Life really does have a way of balancing itself out in the end so with every loss I've experienced I've gained or will gain in the future.

I've had a lot of wonderful suggestions from caring people about what I should do with that future. What I might be good at doing. I still have no idea what I want to do and I'm almost 33 years old but this only brings a smile to my face. Sometimes it's scary as hell, I'm not gonna lie. But most of the time I feel good about this point in time of my life. I'm walking blind but I feel in my heart that I'm going to be okay. I feel whole. Unsure, but whole. I'm one of those people who likes to be prepared, some might say overly prepared, and living here has helped me to get over certain aspects of this characteristic. There's nothing wrong with being prepared and responsible but I've learned that there has to be room for the unexpected and the unpredictable.

I use to pride myself on being able to predict how someone might react to a certain situation or what someone was going to do or say. I can still do this, I've always been good at it, but now I just don't care that much about what other people are doing and I don't mean that in the negative way. I just mean, I have so much going on with myself that I can't, nor do I want to expend the energy on other people in that way. This has allowed me to become friends with myself again the way I was when I was 8 years old. As some of you may know I talk to myself all the time, but I used to do it way more often than I do now. I would have in depth conversations with myself when I was little. It was how I processed the world around me and I lost that as I got older. I find that I've been reengaging those inner conversations with myself lately.

I like to communicate with people. I like to talk and I like to listen. I try to present a safe energy so people feel comfortable enough to speak to me. I take peoples words very seriously and I try not to disrespect the responsibility of having someone share their stories with me. This brings me to my last little rant.

One of my friends here has shared something personal and thought provoking with me. I asked her if she would mind if I blogged about some of the things she shared with me and being the generous soul that she is she didn't mind. I am still amazed at the ridiculous number of my female friends who have been sexually assaulted. I don't know if having a little niece who is still so new to the world makes me want to engage this problem but I am more and more drawn to the issue. I think the number is something like one in four women can expect to be assaulted in their life time. I actually read that somewhere and that word "expect" was used. Now, one of my New Years resolutions was to stop swearing so much so I will not use the word I want to at this point but that is some garbage.

I think we have to change the way assault on women is looked at in our country and around the world actually. Expect? Seriously? Screw that. My niece should not have to grow up in a country where that is an expectation for 1 out of 4 women. It has nothing to do with how a woman dresses or how much a woman drinks or if she was "making out" with the person before hand. In my opinion if you hold that belief you're kind of an idiot, I'm sorry but blame the victim much? Do you know how many woman I've kissed in the past who I had no desire to sleep with and who probably had no desire to sleep with me...a lot. There's nothing wrong with that. But for some reason people think there are certain expectations between men and women and this is simply wrong. There is no such thing as a point of no return in the process that leads to sex.

This is what I mean when I say there needs to be a shift in how assault is viewed and there needs to be a shift in how young boys and girls relate to each other. Again, I don't have any answers, more questions actually, but the conversation needs to remain in the public sphere. I think there needs to be more work on prevention and a hell of a lot more work on public reaction towards victims. The idea of sexual assault is so completely out of my personal radar that when a friend shares with me her experiences with the subject I overload with different emotions. But I would like to do more than just listen to these stories. I'd like to contribute to making this "expectation" disappear. I do not believe this is an unrealistic goal. We just elected the nations first Black President for Christ sake! We put people on the moon, we've been splitting atoms for years now. We're curing diseases. We're finally trying to do something about global warming. We CAN do something about this statistic.