I miss you too buddy

It finally happened...I picked up a golf club and I swung it. I never thought my hands would ever touch anything that had to do with golf but I was wrong. I'm not hooked by any means, all I did was go to the range and hit some balls....very, very badly. I sucked! I was so bad. I missed the damn thing completely sometimes but in all honestly it was pretty intriguing. I won't say fun because it wasn't fun to me but I'm interested in learning the mechanics of the....sport. O.K., O.K., I'm willing to call this little game a sport now. It's hard. I'm not sore or anything like that, but it's pretty difficult. It takes concentration and form and timing. I now have respect for all my friends who are tiny, weak, little golfers. I think I might go back and work on my form....which sucks to no end at this point. I can't allow someone like my buddy Alex for instance to be better at something then me. Speaking of Alex, let me share with the rest of you people what my "friend" Alex Deussen (I've known him for about 23 years and I still don't know how to spell his last name) wrote to me over email.

It's important to know a little background on my slimy buddy Alex. First of all, he's very smart. A little too smart for his own good actually. So smart he's dumb actually. You know those kind of people who are just really book smart, learn-ed if you will, but there's just something dumb about them anyways? Add onto this the fact that he's part Italian and can play the violin like an Angel from heaven and you have one of the biggest assholes I've ever known in my life. He also happens to have really good luck, even though he would say no to that, the fact that his heart is still pumping blood and he lives proves this notion. I think Alex should have died a long time ago. He makes stupid choices all the time. He gets into car accidents every month or so and he does not really pay attention to what goes on around him. You know in cartoons when you have the oblivious character who just misses getting chopped into little pieces by a swinging ax and then avoids getting run over by a bus and then some how manages to walk up a skyscraper that is still under construction while reading the newspaper. Right when you think this cartoon is about to step off the ledge and plunge to their cartoon death a steel beam swings over and they step onto it and are led safely back to the street? That's Alex. Smart, stupid and lucky.

His luck is currently continuing because he has a lovely girlfriend who is way too good for him (Hello Anya. I miss you. If and when you and Alex break up I will be your friend and not his). She's very artistic and creative and for some reason she's in love with Alex. Of course, I think Alex might say the same thing about Danielle in regards to me.

The last thing that bugs me about this so called friend is that he's cheap as hell. Al doesn't like to part with the dollars....even when he is legally binded to pay. Alex and my other "friend" Tobias A. Lawerence "took me out" for drinks and food after I passed my thesis defense to earn my Master's Degree. I put the words took me out in parenthesis because we went out to a few different bars and I ended up paying for all of us every where we went, including when we got something to eat at the end of the night. These are my friends? However, money means nothing to me so I let this cheapness pass. But what really bothers me (I'm jealous, I admit it) is that even though Alex has no money he still ends up flying to Italy, a luxurious cruise around the fucking world, and Mexico all in the same year. And, do you know what this dick brings me back as a present? Wait for it.....Axe body spray. That's right, Axe fucking body spray, African Scent. Now, I could have gone to Target or any other store in the U.S. to get Axe body spray which I don't wear in the first place, but this cock brings me back Axe body spray from one of his many travels. And, to ad insult to injury he gets "African Scent" because I'm black and he thinks that's funny. I don't. I don't think that's funny at all...but I have a felling some of you reading this might. It's worth a chuckle maybe but not a full on laugh.

Anyways, so this asshole emails me a couple days ago to tell me how much he enjoys my blogs. He then makes the usual comment about how he's fucked up my car somehow. I left it at his and Anya's house while I'm living in Korea. To be honest with you it would surprise me if he sold it and kept the money while I'm here. Anyways, he emails me and then threatens to "expose" me to the rest of you? He threatens to expose me unless I say nice things about him in my blogs. Now, here's the card he thought he could play. Every time I send Alex an email it has a very angry tone and it is not very P.C. (politically correct). He said if I didn't do what he wants he would post one of my angrier emails to him as a comment on one of my blogs. So I guess this threat is an answer to your threat dickhead. Go fuck yourself! And don't ever threaten me again. You forget that I'm not going to be in Korea forever and then next time I see you I have a feeling you'll be in even worse physical shape because you are lazy and fat. I, however, am jogging every day and learning martial arts all so that I can kick you, with precision, in your balls!

I'm sorry the rest of you had to read this blog but Alex needs to understand that I own his ass and it's not the other way around. I hope this blog finds all who read it in excellent health. Good day to you all.

And Alex...I miss you too buddy.