The universe is whispering to us

Lately I've been working on what appears to be the beginnings of a book so I have not felt much like writing a blog. But at this moment I'm sitting down at my computer, my sliding glass door is open and the wind is massaging my room. It's quiet outside. I'm playing music from one of my playlists on itunes. Bon Iver's "Stacks" is coming out of the speakers. Look em' up, I think the majority of you would like their sound. This playlist selection is entitled "slow" because the music is really chill and relaxing. I've always given my playlists names. I used to give my mixed tapes names and every time I burn a CD I have to name it. I'm sure I have some pretty embarrassing mixed tapes out there from my youth. The ones that survived are probably being kept around to be used as blackmail one day.

It's almost 8:00 at night and Korea ain't so bad around this time. At least not where I live. I'm away from the city which means I'm usually away from the pollution, the smells, the people, and the sounds. I've got a slight irritation in my throat that has been there for about a week. Every morning I wake up I've been going through a ritual which does not need to be discussed in detail. I've been going to be before 9:30 for the past few weeks now. I'm not sure why that is but I've been tired. I wake up early, usually around 5:15 in the morning. I go for a jog and then to the gym. I take a shower and get ready for my day. It's all very routine and not in the least bit exciting. I knew I should have been a spy...never a dull moment when you're a spy.

The things I have been writing lately have been from my past. It's pretty amazing the things you can remember when you take the time to reflect on your life. I'm a lot more interesting then I give myself credit for. I've also come such a long way from the person I used to be. The way I act, the way I think about myself and the way I treat people has gone through such a metamorphosis. I'm still in a cocoon, but I know I'll have wings one day.

Something I've been thinking about lately but have not written down (because it has nothing to do with the theme of my project) is my unyielding fear of death. It's been there since I first was able to comprehend mortality. It's the kind of worry that's ridiculous if you really think about it. This is one fight I will not be able to win. Why worry about something like death? There's absolutely nothing to be done about it, nothing at all. But I remember waking up in terror as a child. I'm talking since first grade. I don't discuss this with people very often. Maybe a handful of people know about my issue.

You see I have a great love of life. I love it, even when it's really, really bad. This is probably why I have such a fascination with Sci-fi movies. Anything with time travel and immortality has always appealed to me. Unfortunately, anything with time travel and immortality usually makes for a really shitty movie...but I watch it anyways. Vampires! I love me some Vampires! This could have more to do with my dad and his love of horror movies than with my fear of death, but I'm sure it's worked it's way in there some how.

I sometimes envy the extremely religious types. The believe with all their heart that when their numbers up they will be going somewhere else. I would love to feel this way but the truth is I don't. I never really did, even when I was going to Catholic School. All the kids dressed in their little blue and white outfits would be talking about what it would be like in heaven one day and I thought they were sick little bastards. I remember thinking, why is every body always talking about death at church. I wanna live dammit! I wanna live! Don't make me think about this shit. But I did, I thought about it at night when I was trying to sleep. I would close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to die and then my heart would feel like it was about to explode. I would just out of bed and start swinging wildly into the night air like I could connect a fist with the face of death. This usually lasted about 30 seconds or so and then I would dive back into bed with tears running down my face. I was too fucking young to be crying about my impending death. I should have been thinking about soccer or sleepovers but I was giving way too much of my energy to death.

This feeling that I first had in the first grade has never gone away. I'm 32 years old and sometimes when I'm alone and awake late at night I find myself still swinging wildly into the dark. My heart still feels like it's going to leap out of my chest and I still know that the worry is fruitless. There is nothing that can be done about it. One day I will no longer be here. The world will truly end for Chris Williams and that still sends a chill down my spine. The interesting thing about all this is that I'm a pretty happy person. I'm usually in a good mood and I'm always up for a good laugh. It's just this one thing...this one little thing that has always been looking over my shoulder. I've been able to function because I'm very skilled at occupying my brain with more pressing matters. It's not like death is going any where, right?

I'm sure there's some kind of pill I can take that, along with making me drool, would also make me forget about my little death problem but I would never swallow such a pill. I've seen a handful of dead people in my lifetime. Some have been family members and others have been close friends. The feeling I get when I look at a dead body is just that, I'm looking at a dead body. That thing that used to make my buddy "my buddy" is no longer present. It's not there any more, it's gone away or it's burned out. I prefer to think that it's gone away like a feather in the wind.

I do think that the older I get the more life I notice all around me. I feel wrapped in it's warmth and that makes me feel good and special. I'm absolutely convinced that there is so much more to "this" than any of us realize. Sometimes I feel like the universe is whispering to me but I'm just too far away to make out what it's saying. I'm going to continue to keep an ear out for what ever message or messages are trying to come my way.