I'm a fire starter

I've started to realize that we are all a combination of different persons wrapped in a shell of confusion. There's the person we want to be, the person others see us as, the person we're afraid might actually be, and the person we are. This pieced up personality probably develops because deep down inside most people want to be special. The worlds cruel trick is that is has convinced most of us we are not special when the fact is we are Kings and Queens. But, most of us refuse to acknowledge this truth and we hide beneath our skins.

I've noticed that my dreams are getting stranger the older I get. they also seem to be getting more informative. Like the universe is extending a celestial hand in my direction to help me stand on my own two feet. I've met a lot of people in my life. I can remember most of them. It's a strange gift I have. I can remember people, I have to see them though. I'm not so good with names. But give me the face and I can remember. The people who I'm lucky enough to call friends are the ones who have sparked that inner light yearning to shine bright beneath my skin. I know they are my friends because my body tells me so. If I spend just a little bit of time with a person I can tell if they could be my friend or not. I spend a lot of time with people who are not friends in my current job. Being around a friend is almost like having a life saver thrown to me in a sea of assholes. But I have to acknowledge that one person's asshole is another person's life-mate or best friend in the whole wide world. It's all relative. I'm sure I'm looked at as a bastard or a prick in many a circle.

But for me, being around a friend is a special experience. Having a friend is a gift that I try not to take for granted. The better the friend the more I can be myself. I don't feel myself pretending around them. I'm not so concerned with the daily rituals we all learn at an early age. Smile, be polite, don't fart! Fuck that shit...I'm farting and I'm farting loudly!!! Having friends is essential to the human experience. Have you ever met a person who didn't have friends. You know the type, they announce how they don't have friends and try to wear it like a badge of honor. I can't stand the bold face lie. They are hurting inside I tell you. They want that bond, we all do. They just don't know how to ask for help. Asking for help makes us vulnerable. I know, because I'm pretty sure I used to be one of those people. "All I need is myself". I'm a fucking island and no ones getting on. Sure, I might take my boat and leave every once in a while but when I get scared or uncomfortable I can always jump back in my boat and paddle back to safety. The problem is, being on an island alone isn't all that safe. The food source will run out eventually and you end up talking to a deflated volleyball. I'm speaking from experience here.

I enjoying hearing from the people who have managed to remain a part of my life. I feel we are cosmically connected to each other. Think about it, in this throw-away society it is quite the feat to maintain friendships and unions. It's easier to walk away sometimes and find a new one. Don't get me wrong, sometimes people just suck and you need to get as far away from them as you can, but sometimes you should take a deep breath and be willing to look in the mirror. I used to hate mirrors. It's hard to look at yourself sometimes. I have burned many a bridge in my day, many a bridge. I'm actually in the process of repairing a few of them. Lucky for me, they didn't allow me to burn our bridge completely through. The fucked up thing is that I really tried. It was like the madness consumed me and I just wanted to watch the blaze burn. I think I thought it would clean everything out. After all, forest fires bring about new life in the forest right? That's what we always here. But a bridge ain't a fucking forest, it's a connection.

My thing....that is to say, one of my issues is that I get antsy when I accumulate stuff. I give things away all the time. Something about having what I consider to be "too much stuff" makes me feel strange. Like I don't deserve to have all these things. That feeling doesn't end at inanimate objects. I think it transfers itself onto people. Ask my closest friends. I can be a distant fuck. I don't know if I'm testing people or what, but I do it. I'm getting better but I still do it. I've lost some really good people in my life pulling that shit. I am getting smarter with age though. I'm aware. I'm trying.

Friendships and relationships are amazing things. Don't take them lightly and don't forget to tell people what they mean to you. They won't always be around. Life is tricky that way. Fight back that fear that accompanies baring your feelings. Most people have been conditioned to bury their feelings, to protect their egos. I find my body still fights against my inclination to expose my heart to my partner and my friends. But, here I sit, typing these words:

I love some of you, I like the majority of you and I care about all of you...Toby and Alex can guess where they fit in....Dicks!