It's just feet...

Where to begin? Temp is still alive. Don't think I have the heart to pull the trigger....at least not until I get some things straight with the Vet. Long story short they don't want anyone in the area when the "procedure" is taking place and the fact of the matter is that's just not going to fucking happen. Sorry dude. But if the dog dies the dog dies with my hand rubbing her belly.

Been communicating more with my mom in the past month than I have in the last three years. It's not so bad. Who knew communicating with ones parents could feel good? I guess it doesn't really matter how old I get there will always be that childlike dynamic between me and my folks. I always think to myself "Why do they still treat me like a child?" but the answer to that question isn't really that difficult to answer. I am their child. I know, I know, I'm going to be 33 years old soon and I just figured that out. I can be slow sometimes.

What else? Oh, I've lost about 10 pounds probably more like 15 due to the fact that I've been sick more in this country than I've been healthy. I am left with only one conclusion and that conclusion is that Korean germs and viruses don't like black Americans. My buddy Dave can't stop getting sick either and we are sensing some kind of conspiracy. I am a student of history after all. I can't get sick again. Seriously, I'll snap. I will snap if I get sick again. I forgot what it's like to be able to breath out of my nose for more than two weeks at a time. And...some of you are not going to believe what I'm about to say but...I don't look good this thin! I know. I can't believe it either, but it's true. I need to gain my weight back.

Today, we are starting week three of the month long kids program at my work place. It's kind of nice getting to know these little ones. They are so smart. Some of them are really poor though and it's been pretty damn cold here lately. They only brought two pairs of clothes, non of which are that warm. So we have to come up with interesting ways of giving them warmer clothes. They won't just take it from, so one day for my group I had a writing contest and the top 5 winners (there are five kids in my house alone that needed jackets) won a "special prize." It was really funny cause these kids actually wrote pretty good stories and amazingly enough the top 5 winners happened to be the kids who needed the jackets. It was pretty funny, but they took those jackets. It's funny how hard it is to help people sometimes. It's like we are set up to deny help from others. I'm the same way, I'm learning still to take a hand when it's offered.

I have a massage appointment with the best freaking masseuse on the planet back in Portland on May 27Th and I will be counting down the days. Seriously, if I ever get rich I'm going to hire Luna to be my personal masseuse and I will pay her whatever she asks. She's that good folks!

I have a place that I'm going to sublet from a friend when I get back to Portland. The timing could not be better cause I was not looking forward to searching for a place to live over the summer. She is leaving town to recharge and reflect and I am moving back to town to remember and reconnect. Couldn't have worked out much better than that. Of course, I don't move in until the beginning of June which means my good friend Alex D gets to have me as a house guest for a couple of weeks. I know he's just as excited as I am. I can't wait to have Anya paint me. She's always wanted to do a nude of me and now we will finally have the time to make that happen. Al will of course be at work while I'm lying naked on his couch as his girlfriend paints me. By the way Al, I guess Anya is going to need to rub oil on my skin so that my muscles pop more...you're cool with that though right? For those of you who don't know yet, Al has decided to stop talking to me and only communicates through random emails. The thing is these emails are written in Italian so I don't understand what he's saying to me. I'm pretty sure he is calling me racial slurs however. This is the guy who is picking me up at the airport in May when I touch down by the way. Al, I don't speak or understand Italian so stop writing me in Italian!!!

Anyways, life is pretty much moving along in the ROK (Republic of Korea). It's been cold so there has not been much traveling going on. My mood is somewhat more stable or at least the way I'm looking at life seems to be leveling off. I talk it out with myself. If you could watch me for a day you might think I hear voices or something cause I spend a lot of time talking to myself. I work things out that way. Some of my friends here are beginning to notice that I have a lot of inner dialogue going on with myself and they look at me with raised eye brows at times.

I downloaded a new picture editing program the other night and was going through some of my pictures. Pictures are amazing little time capsules aren't they? Fucking pictures. By the way, one of my New Years resolutions was to stop swearing so much. How am I doing? I was talking to one of my good friends over skype last night and she likes to secretly therapize me and I allow her to think I don't know she's doing it. Anyways, we were talking about life and all that jazz and after I got off the phone with her I felt like editing some of the photos I have saved on my hard drive. So I'm going through these photos and I realized that I don't take a lot of pictures. I never did and I don't now. I mean, I'm in other peoples photos but I don't really take photos myself. But the photos I have taken have been gathering dust in the jail cell of laptop.

So I'm going through these photos and they all consist of Danielle and my friends from Portland. Some of these photos I used to have in my facebook albums but I deleted them all in dramatic fashion after "the break up." What's funny about my deletion of all my albums on facebook was that it wasn't even done in anger and I got rid of all my photos. All of them. Not just the ones with me and that beautiful little creature known as Battee. I got rid of all of them! Why am I such a drama queen? I don't know. But I am. I am a huge, big, fat, large, giant drama queen. Please feel free to contact me and argue this point. So, needless to say I have not seen or thought about a lot of these photos in a long time. But I'm looking through these photos and I started to remember how much fun I had with my Portland buddies. I miss you guys (except you Alex). I miss hanging out and chatting and having dinner with you all. I am thrilled to be coming home and spend my summer days and nights with you guys (except you Alex).

Then I found one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken. It's a simple photo and there's nothing very artistic about it at all. It's just a picture of my feet and Danielle's feet on a chair in an airport. It's just feet but it still brings a smile to my face. Fucking pictures.

I realized then and there that I'm not "going evil" this summer, whatever that actually meant in the first place? It's not who I am. I'm not evil. I'm not mean. I'm actually a pretty decent guy. I talk a lot and I think deeply about things. I love to laugh and I enjoy listening to people tell stories. I enjoy my friends and I hate Alex Deussen. I'm just this intelligent, handsome, funny, awesome dude who loves life! That's me. Talk to you all soon.