The rest is space and time

Well...this morning I had to take Temp to the vet. Which was kind of difficult because it's a holiday and everything is closed around here. Lucky for me, the vet lives upstairs in the same building. I woke up this morning to the coughs of my dog and soon realized she was coughing up blood. Where I live is almost completely deserted because everyone went on holiday except me and a few other people. I actually had to call a cab and wait to take Temp in. She obviously was not doing well. It's cold out and has been snowing on and off all day. In the car I had a feeling I would not be returning with her. To my surprise the people at the office were very understanding especially since they were not supposed to be open today. We were let into the office and Temp was examined. It's amazing the things that can be understood purely through body language. The doctor looked up at me and simply shook his head and looked at the light green tiles on the floor. I called my friend Hujeong on the phone and asked her to translate for me. We went into another room in the back and the doctor put Temp to sleep while I held her. I didn't have to hold her in place, she wasn't trying to get up or run away. I just had my arm around her and ran my hands over her head and ears. Dogs are big mouth breathers and it's kind of disturbing to witness that breathing stop.

I wish living things died like Yoda in return of the Jedi. He just closed his eyes, stopped breathing and then disappeared. But, that's not the case. There are decisions to be made and a body to deal with. In this case, I have to wait a few days before Temps body can be "processed." Which means burned to ashes and spread in a field somewhere. If she hadn't been throwing up blood and in obvious pain I'm not sure I would have been able to take her in. To be completely honest, I thought Nikki and Paul were going to be the ones to eventually take her in but life always has other plans. I should really have learned that much by now.

Temp was a good dog and I'm going to miss having her around. Even though it was hard to be in that room with her I'm glad I was able to be there. Endings always seem to pass me over in one way or another. It's always been that way for me. I'm either not around or I'm not invited for them. But, this time I had to be in direct control of the outcome. I feel a little guilty but I know it had to be done.

I have been speaking with a lot of people lately on the ol' skype. Just got a skype from a good friend while I'm writing this blog. The more I step back and think about it the more I realize how lucky I am to have good people in my life. I was chatting with an old girlfriend of mine on facebook and we had a really good cyber chat. We've been friends for years now and I still care about her deeply. She still feels the need to give me advice and I gladly take it. I know she has my best interest at heart. She's a good person and it seems like she has found another good soul to share her life with.

If I ever get into therapy again I think I'm going to dig a little deeper into the fact that the majority of my friends are female. I've been doing some good work on my own but it might be helpful to have another voice and a fresh pair of ears that is not connected to my life in any way. Of course my therapist will have to be a woman. I've been speaking with my friends lately about a phenomenon I will call "old man crush" at my work place. In this case, I'm the old man. I will tell you what I've been telling them. I'm not trying to start anything with anyone at this point in time. But, being that I am very attractive, intelligent, funny and of course, humble I do have my admirers. It can't be helped, it's only natural. I'm a social creature and I like to talk to people. But I just don't talk, I also listen, and apparently, there are not a lot of people doing the latter part. I think this is where the old man crush starts. They sense that I'm listening to them because I ask follow up questions. But this isn't some kind of move mind you. I'm just doing what I always do.

Except now I'm extra sensitive to giving people the wrong impressions so I'm upfront with them that I'm not looking for a relationship or intimate company. This statement seems to have the opposite affect however. But I think it is very important not to lead people on. There's nothing worse then thinking someone feels a certain way about you when they actually don't and I don't ever want to do that to someone. Even though it's pretty flattering it's important for me not to lose myself ever again. I am becoming more aware of the kind of people I want to spend my time with and the kind of person I want to share myself with. These women are good people but all I have to offer at this point in my life is friendship and old man stories. I can say, "I remember back in 1985 when....blah blah blah." God I feel old...and yet my body continues to remain young? Good genes I guess.

I just realized I'm making it sound like I have 100's of women pursuing me. Of course that isn't the case, I have three, rather aggressive young ladies, who have expressed interest in me. The oldest one is 26 and the youngest is 22, which is just wrong. I know lots of people don't think a ten year difference is a big deal but I'm of the mindset that that is true once everyone is 30 years or older.

The conversations that I've had in the past month have been awkward at times but I think it's still better than the alternative. I know that honesty, although difficult and uncomfortable sometimes, is the only real choice I have in personal matters. Truth be told, I'm still tired. For now, it is just easier for me to have friends. All that said...I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to have people look at me with desire. It feels good to be wanted by someone. I honestly forgot what that feels like.

My time in Korea has really helped to inform me about the kind of person I am. Losing my dog this morning has reminded me that we have a finite amount of time here and I don't want to waste any of it worrying about things I have no control over. All I can do is listen to my heart and do what feels right to me. The rest is space and time.