The Rides Almost Over

I'm waiting for my visa to arrive so I can travel to Vietnam in late June. I'm going to travel around Northern Vietnam for just over 10 days. During my time in Asia I've found that I enjoy traveling around by myself. During my time in Korea I've found that I enjoy my alone time more than I thought was possible. Don't get me wrong because God knows I love being around my friends. But I've found a new sense of myself over the past year or so. I have been enjoying getting to know myself again. I'm looking forward to this last trip and I'm excited to see what Vietnam has to teach me. The more time I spend by myself when traveling somewhere the more I like myself. I'm a funny guy. I enjoy meeting new people and I have fun trying to communicate through sounds, hand motions and facial expressions. My face has been my savior in more than one instance over the past year. People keep telling me to stop by this town when I land and have some suits made for my body but I'm not going to Vietnam to buy stuff. I'm going to Vietnam for a few reason but none of those reasons has to do with purchasing materials of any kind.

My uncle who recently passed away fought in the Vietnam War and although he never personal talked about his experiences in that country I heard stories from my aunts and uncles. I don't think I'm going to be in the area he found himself fighting for his life in but I think it would make him smile to find out his nephew walked around Vietnam.

Even though I'm not coming home for almost three months I've found some anxiety settling into these old bones of mine. As excited as I am to see my friends and hang out with them I know that I'm not the same person. I mean, I still hate Alex. I'm still funny and intelligent. I'm actually getting more handsome if you can believe that but the changes I'm talking about are on the inside. I think I've changed for the better but there's always room for improvement. I think I'm anxious to see how people have changed and how I will relate to them now.

I think I'm happier than I've been in the past decade. I've got that kind of happiness that turns lemons into lemonade. I'm tapping into my own potential and I'm understanding who I really am. I think I'll always be more of a private person but I'm learning to let people in more often. I still enjoy my "me time" and personal space but I'm enjoying socializing with people and just accepting them for who they are and enjoying my relationship with them for what it is.

Doubt is the monkey on my back and I've carried the bastard around for longer than I care to think about. But I've learned to love the little bastard and I do mean little now. Either he's grown smaller or I've grown stronger and he doesn't weigh me down as much. I used to fight or ignore and now I look straight ahead with open eyes and more importantly an open heart. I am a willing student to the lessons that are presented to me on a daily basis.

I don't question people's motives as much any more. If a woman expressed interest in me in the past I would instantly wonder what the hell was wrong with them. Since high school (remember I'm 33) I've found myself attracted to women who were unavailable in one way or another. Which sounds like I'm blaming them but in actuality what I'm saying is that I did not have to be available in return. The monkey could gorge himself and I would find my movement towards healthy relationships more stunted as the years rolled by.

This unavailability was not just designated to my girlfriends. My family has felt the sting too. I feel lucky to have figured at least this much out before I hit my 50's. I am not looking for a serious relationship with anyone but I am not shutting myself off from one either. I don't get that uncomfortable feeling any more when a woman flirts with me. I am not shutting myself off from getting to know my family again and I am working on being a more present friend...except to Alex.

Asia has been an interesting ride and although I'm ready to move on I'm grateful for all that I've learned since arriving here. Some lessons have been harder than others but I've gained insight nonetheless.