This is what the French call "A blog"

First of all I'd like to announce that I spent all of last weekend feverish, in bed, aching all over. It was not fun. I am what the french call "sick." I've had some chest, lung, throat issues for quite some time now actually but it peaked this weekend and took me out. I would like to blame it on my contact with the poor dirty children but I don't think that would be fair. However, as a precaution I will not be going back to that Orphanage and will be requesting a much cleaner Orphanage with better looking Orphans in it. Until this demand is met, I will be with holding my services from the children. I'm feeling a little bit better but I'm not any where close to 100 percent as the french say "that's the way the cookie crumbles."

Now, onto much more important matters. Obama! Look people, in case you have not noticed John McCain and his crew are what the french call "tripp-n." (That will be my last french comment) I have been talking to some people about these last few weeks of the election and how much uglier it's going to get. You got Palin calling Obama a friend of terroists. You have McCain trying to connect Obama's fundraising money to the Middle East. They are both asking Americans to question "who this man really is". You have McCain spokesmen getting crowds fired up by saying Obamas full name (his middle name is Hussein). If you have been able to watch or listen to some of these rallies you can hear people yelling that Obama is a terrorist and recently at one of Palins rallies a person yelled out "Kill Obama". Imagine that, people yelling 'Kill Obama and calling him a terriorist at a McCain rally. I know the secret service has stepped up their security on Obama's ass for these last month until the elections and it would not surprise me one bit if someone tried to take him out. People are losing their shit over this election cycle.

McCain has gone below the gutter so damn quick on this all he has left to do is to call Obama a nigger. I'm not even joking. Why doesn't he just come out and say that shit cause his campaign is pretty much slinging anything they can come up with Obama's way. Now I know some of you might feel like I'm going a little bit overboard but think about all the things they have already called Obama. Think about it. I dont' think I'm off on this one. If they thought it would play positively they would drop the N bomb. This whole fear tactic is ugly and it's not working but it is really pissing me off. I'm actually surprised at how upset I'm getting. And I feel Obamas' pain on this one because he can't really get angry. It's ok for McCain to get angry, which he has done in both debates but if Obama was to get angry it would scare the hell out of the entire country. The limitations on Obama are so great in that regard and I have mad respect (pardon the pun) for him. It is so difficult to remain calm and collected when other people are trying to get you fired up sometimes.

The McCain Campaign is so dishonest that even people like Karl Rove are telling them to calm down. They are playing on old time American fears of "the other" and I really hope it doesn't work this time. I hope we can finally turn the corner in this country and let the sun shine through. We are so desperate for the light right now. It's like the mini-dark ages have been going on over the past 8 years. I honestly can't live in a McCain run United States. I will be so disappointed in the country if this guy wins. I wasn't disappointed when Bush one the first or the second time. I wasn't even surprised, but I will feel something on this one if it all goes to hell. It is so damn important that everybody gets out there and votes. I think this election is going to break records for turn out and that goes in favor of Obama. I've been getting random Obama chants going among the Korean students lately. They like to say his name because of the way it sounds so I get two or three groups to chant it as loudly as they can. It entertains me.

It looks like everything is going to work out for me and I will get to stay here until the end of April. One of my friends who here who was born in Mexico but lives in the states now is starting to teach me Spanish. So maybe I came to Korea to learn spanish. Which may come in handy for me because I have a couple oppurtunites possibly in South America and another one in Spain. But I'm coming home for the summer and nothing is set in stone. Korean is difficult and it's just not going to happen for me so I figured I might as well continue with the ol' Spanish.

The days are getting shorter and the winds are cooling down. Winter is coming to Korea and I have a feeling it's going to be a cold one. I am excited to come home and spend my summer in Portland with a couple of stops here and there.

Don't forget to vote....even if it's for McCain, just vote. To many people had to suffer for the right to vote for us to take it for granted or be overly cynical about it.

Oliver Twist my ass!

Have you ever been to a orphanage? For some reason I didn't think orphanages were real. You don't here much about them in the United States and to be honest all my information on them has come from Oliver Twist. I volunteered over three months ago to visit this orphanage outside of Seoul on the weekdays twice a month. I put my name on some list that was circulating around my workplace and I forgot about it pretty damn quick after that. Well, it turns out someone kept that list and I got the call at the beginning of the week. Although I'm not in the "cheer up poor kids" kind of mood lately something inside of me would not let me say no. I had about two excuses ready to go too. I hoped on the bus after work and it took about an hour and a half to get to this warehouse looking place. To describe it as dirty would be to insult all things with dirt on them. This place was pretty nasty. Again, it's not like Korea is the cleanest place on the planet but this place was pretty damn foul. I knew I was in for some shit before I walked through the door.

About two months ago I took my emotions and feelings and buried them somewhere deep inside my shell. So I thought I was good to go with these little Korean kids. I was going to phone it in. I was going to smile, maybe make a silly face or two and then catch the bus back to my home. It took a total of twenty seconds for these little Korean bastards to melt the frosty shell that covers my heart. These kids don't have shit. As they say if shit was worth something these kids would have been born with out assholes. They are the very definition of poor. The country "takes care of them" but their futures are not looking too good because money buys education in this country. Money also buys good health and I was coughed on pretty much the entire time. There also seemed to be an unusual percentage of deformed little ones moving around this place. But they were so freaking happy to see us. They were thrilled and it wasn't just for the candy. They just wanted to be around us. I get the feeling we (meaning foreigner) don't look at this population the way Koreans look at them. I didn't want to look at these kids like I felt sorry for them and I didn't want to look at them like they were disgusting. I didn't feel pity for them and they were very far from disgusting (although some of the workers treated these kids like they were slightly less than human). To be frank, this was a warehouse of rejects. These were the kids that society does not want but I found them to be beautiful in their own way. They didn't speak English so I spent the majority of the time getting them to repeat words they didn't understand and just acting like a fool. Laughing of course is universal and there was lots of it going around. I try not to like small children but I failed miserable in this case. They got to me. It felt like the Grinch on Christmas. It was like they took a long needle and injected a large dose of "good" directly into my soul. It just felt good and its been a long long time since I felt like that.

I actually felt a little sad when it was time to go. My plan was to go this one time and then make some shit up for the reason why I was not going to be able to go back but that's just not going to happen now. My wallet is going to suffer because I'm bringing back a shit load of candy and little toys next time. Again, it makes me feel kind of silly for complaining about my own circumstances when stuff like this happens to me. Not to say my feelings are not relevant but life could always be so much worse.

I think I'm going to be visiting this orphanage for the rest of my time in Korea. If my I get my information for my visa in time then that will take me into late spring of next year. If not then I guess I'll get to see those little bastards one more time before I get kicked out of the country. We'll just have to wait and see I guess.

Oh yeah, because of this whole poor, dirty kids in an orphanage thing, I also got suckered into running a 10K this coming weekend on the southern tip of Korea. A 10k is a little over six mile which I do at least once or twice during the week anyways but this run is going to totally cut into my "feeling sorry for myself time." I mean, come on people, Orphans and running for charity? I didnt' come to Korea for this feel good shit!

By the way, not a single one of those Korean kids sang or danced....Oliver Twist my ass!!!

Enjoy your days

I realize that some of my most recent posts have been kind of salty but I've never been one to pretend I'm feeling one way when I'm not. I've tried it a couple of times and it just leaves me with a mental and an emotional hangover. The same things happens when I tell a big lie. It does not matter if the person believed my lie because I know what the truth is and it is very difficult to lie to yourself. This is why I usually tell the truth. It's not because I'm a particularly good person it's because I just don't like the way it makes me feel. After watching the first presidential debate and paying attention to the political news it is obvious that one must sell a piece of their soul to participate in this arena. Here's what I just realized and I really do mean I just realized this. I probably won't get to the actual realization until the end of this post so bare with me. I woke up this Sunday morning and I was getting ready to go for a jog. I turned on my computer and saw that Paul Newman died of cancer. Paul Newman is one of my favorite actors and along with Sidney Poitier is one of the reasons I moved to Los Angeles after my undergraduate years. He wasn't just a great actor he was a good person. But he wasn't just a good person he was an interesting man who lived a life full of desire. It appeared that he never lost his desire and therefore remained active in the world for his entire life. He wasn't just an actor he was an activist, an adventurer, an adrenaline junky and much more. He didn't get lost in his money or his celebrity status. He had children, grandchildren and the same partner for over fifty years.

I don't' really talk about my L.A. experience with people very often. I'm not sure why that is but I don't. In those rare moments when I get to talking and sharing I will start to name drop. Now, I hate name dropping and I always have. But it's hard to tell stories about living in L.A. without name dropping sometimes. I have a Paul Newman story that I've never shared before and it only solidified the way I feel about the man. Now Paul Newman did not live in L.A. his home was in Connecticut, but he was in L.A. working on something or other because he rolled into the restaurant I worked at as a bartender. This restaurant was at the bottom of an old hotel that had gone through several name changes during it's lifetime. But what I gathered while working at this place was that back in the day this hotel was very popular with the old Hollywood actors of the silver screen. There was even a rumor that a ghost lived on what I think was the 14 floor. I had a strange encounter on this floor one night when I had to go to the basement to restock the bar after the night was over. I loaded up the service elevator with by crate of bus and hit the first floor but I was taken all the way to the 14th floor. The doors opened and I waited for them to close again. There was no way I was stepping off that elevator to explore. I've seen enough horror movies to know what happens to people who are to damn curious. But, after a couple of minutes the doors remained open and they were not closing even though I kept hitting the button for the first floor. Do you know that I actually ended up stepping off that fucking elevator. It went against everything I believe in but I did it anyways to try and press the elevator buttons on the outside. They didn't seem to be working either so like a cliche I walked further down the hallway and as soon as I did that I heard the doors close and there I was, alone and black on a deserted hotel floor that was said to be haunted. I knew the odds were against me and to be honest I started to get a little bit uncomfortable. I walked towards the stairs and looked at this old black and white photograph of what I assumed the hotel used to look like back in the day. It was shortly after this moment that I got extremely cold and started to feel sick. Now that I think about it I got this exact same feeling when I was in Ireland and outside of this castle that was supposedly the most haunted Castle in the country....anyways, I obviously made it out of there but the experience is one I will never forget. I still can't believe I did your classic "please kill me" move by getting off the elevator but I'm glad I did. I never feel more alive then when I'm scared.

What does all that have to do with Paul Newman? Nothing, it was just a very long side note. Back to my boy Paul. He came into my bar/restaurant on a week day when it wasn't very crowded but it was still like Moses walked into the room because every body parted. He sat down with a small group of gentlemen and the air slowly came back into the room. I had been working at this place for a couple of months now and I was used to seeing famous people but I never expected to see Cool Hand Luke himself. I'm not the type of person who wants autographs or likes to bother people but it took all that I had not to go over there and just shake the mans hand. They ended up ordering some food and I'd be lying if I said I didn't go into stalker mode. I remember telling the cocktail waitress that "Paul Newman ordered a salad? Does he want Newman dressing on the side?" When she went to the table to give them their drinks they all started laughing moments later and although I have no proof I have a feeling she stole my joke! "Damn her!"

The night wore on and these men continued to eat their food and sip their drinks. I was hoping that Paul would venture towards my bar but it didn't appear like he was drinking and it was a slow night so my manager had me doing other things which tapped into my stalker time. But my moment finally came when the man himself got up from the table and walked towards the bar. I swear to you it was like it all happened in slow motion. He walked up to the bar and like most actors he was shorter than I expected him to be (about the same height as me) and his face was thin. But those eyes. They were ice blue. They were true to their hype. Age had nothing on him. It was like his eyes were the source of his power because you could not help but look directly at him. I must have been silently staring a little too long because he spoke to me. His voice was deeper than I expected because it snapped me out of my trance. "Hello." he said. Paul Newman just said hello to me. I quickly thought about my response. There's not much to work with when someone just says hello but I narrowed it down to either "Hello Mr. Newman or Hello Sir." I went with hello sir and he found this to be funny because he laughed. It was actually a laugh and a cough combined. I think he sensed my obvious "star-struckness" because he asked me my name. After I gave it to him he said "Well, Chris, I'd like a beer if you have one." He was smiling at me and I couldn't help but smile back. I asked him what kind and his response is what sealed it for me. He said, "I hope there's a budlight back there." Paul Newman drinks bud fucking light? I loved it and I relaxed instantly. It was like someone turned my brain back on and I was able to speak and move again. I grabbed him a bottle and and poured it into a glass. He looked at the bubbles for a few seconds and a moment of panic passed over me. Was he unhappy with my pour? Was there too much head? Oh shit, did I give Paul Newman a dirty fucking glass? He took the glass with one hand and held out his other hand while saying thank you. I stared at the open hand before me for a moment. It took a second for me to understand that he was about to shake my hand. I examined his hand quickly and noticed how long his fingers were. This was the hand of a man who lived a life using his hands. I shook it and there was surprising strength behind his grip. I told him to "enjoy" the rest of his night and he did the same half laugh half cough. His response was something that I'll never forget and I'm not sure if I'll understand exactly what he meant by it. Before he returned to his table (and left me forever) he replied "Enjoy your days."

I have not thought of this encounter or his statement for almost a decade. But I've been blessed with a good memory and it all came rushing back to me when I read that he had passed away. I have not really been enjoying my days and that's all on me. That has nothing to do with anyone else. "I" have not been enjoying "my" days and that's no way to live. I feel like I've been lost at sea. I'm just floating along in all my perceived problems. Money problems, image problems, emotional problems, relationship problems, work problems. I've been lost at sea for so long I think I forgot what it's like to walk on land. With the help of some people and my own desire improve myself for my own sake I can see the faint outline of land. Now if I just had a motor boat instead of this inner tube.

The answer is....

I'm working with the kids this week because the group that was supposed to come in for the adult program canceled at the beginning of the week. I changed my content area from robotics and science to music and drama about two months ago. When working a job like this it's important to change things up every once in a while or else you will find yourself in a rut pretty quickly. I have not had much time to learn the actual curriculum for my new content area because I've been working only with the adults for almost two month now. I was in a music class this afternoon with two other teachers. One Korean teacher and one foreign teacher who also happens to be a good friend of mine.

At the beginning of each class you introduce yourselves to the students if you have not had them before and then they get to ask the teachers as many questions as they want. So this was a new class and they were very excited to ask all of us questions. It was a regular question asking session, "Where are you from?" "What is your hobby?" "Are you married?" "What is your favorite Korean food?", until one boy asked me this question...."Do you like having the black skin?" The Korean teacher in the room got very uncomfortable and gave the boy a stern look. My buddy, the foreign teacher, started laughing and said "How come no one ever comments on my whiteness?" I looked at this 15 year old boy and smiled. I could tell he was not trying to be funny and he was not attempting to make fun of me somehow. I commented that I thought his question was strange. It is always difficult to respond to questions that entail so much language in the answer. You have to think about your words very carefully to try and make sure they understand what you are saying. I told him that I thought his question was strange because he was basically asking me if I liked myself. I told him that I was born with this skin and YES I did like the skin I was born in. The Korean teacher told the boy that his question was rude, but I told her that it was ok. I don't think the question was rude at all actually. I've been here long enough to know when someone is trying to make fun of a difference and when they are genuinely curious. This kid was just curious. But his question got me thinking.

I've blogged about this before but my experiences in Korea have been so tied to the color of my skin. My blackness is such a big deal in this country that it becomes a distraction at times. I have tried to explain to my non black friends here what it is like but it's nearly impossible to explain unless you experience it. The way that most Koreans look at me. It's not like back in the U.S. I've been stared at with hatred back home. A person might just not like black people back at home. They might hate black people as a matter of fact and they look at me with displeasure. I've gotten that look in every town I've lived in and most towns I've visited. Some people would tell me that I'm exaggerating or just plain paranoid. I am not paranoid and unfortunately I am not exaggerating. But this fact does not own me or run my life.

The looks I get in Korea are quite different though. I am looked at like I'm not a real person. Like I'm a non human. I would take the looks of hate over these looks any day. I've had people look at me and laugh. I've had people look at me and run away. I've had people look at me and follow me around. I've had people look at me and yell and then point. There are two different types of reactions that my non white friends and acquaintances have to these stories. They either shake their heads and put their hand on my shoulder in solidarity or they tell me that they get strange looks to sometimes and that Koreans treat all foreigners like that.

First of all, Koreans do look at foreigners differently, but I have yet to meet one single white person here who has similar stories to mine in relationship to the color of their skin. There is no white person at my work place who has had their skin color come up in a conversation with Korean students or staff members. The color of my skin comes up every single day. Every single day, the color of my skin comes up in conversation. If you can't relate to that then you are white. Some of my friends understand what I'm saying and some don't. I'm not saying that to make people uncomfortable or feel sorry for me. I'm telling people that because it's real. This reality I've been living in Korea has got me thinking about my reality back home.

Some people already know this but until September 11th 2001 I had spent the majority of my life time feeling like all eyes were on me. I was the person who people looked at and felt uneasy with. I was the one people would usually attribute negative things to. After September 11th I could literally feel this energy pass from me to people who of middle eastern heritage and had middle eastern sounding names. I could literally feel the weight being lifted from my shoulders. It's sad to say but for the most part that negative energy has been transferred to a new group. Don't get me wrong now, some of that negative energy has been saved for me but it's almost like the entire country decided that there are "bigger fish to fry" and unfortunately "Muslims" became that fish.

I have been fortunate in my life time to have a wide variety of people I call good friends. Black, White, Brown and everything in between. I love diversity and I still hold to my theory that everyone is going to be a brownish color one day. I am hurting for diversity these days. I think that's why I'm not going to stress myself out if I cannot renew my visa. Korea has been an interesting experience for me and if it's time for me to go home next month then it's time for me to go home next month. We'll just have to wait and see. I don't hate Korea but I cant say that I like it. But being here has given me much insight to who I am on the inside. I've found some surprises and I've had some theories about myself reinforced. I'm still a work in progress but I like my potential.

And yes, I like having black skin.

Cyber Friendship

I've been lucky enough to speak with and e-chat with a bunch of my friends lately. It's good to hear about what's going on in their lives. People are getting married. People are having children. People are moving and starting new jobs. My group of friends are all over the board. Facebook is a good tool to receive a snap shot of what's going on in someones life but it does not give you the full picture. It allows you to send your little paragraph or two commenting on some new post or some new picture you were notified of. How fucking sterile is that? Don't get me wrong, I think it has it's advantages but there is something so fucking impersonal about it but then I guess that's the point. Facebook is safe. You can change your mood, you can change your pictures, you can present this image of yourself that is true or untrue, it doesn't really matter. It's fucking facebook. You can have a few "friends" or 100's of friends. I've been thinking a lot about facebook ever since I changed my relationship status. It was so strange to change my fucking facebook relationship status. I did it quick to. It hurt when I hit that delete button, but I also found the whole situation to be absurd. I didn't' erase my feelings. I didn't erase my past. I'm not going to get rid of my facebook account even though I got rid of my myspace account a few months ago. I can't have two of these cyber-leeches in my life.

We look at these facebook sites and we think we know what people are up to but we really don't. You look at their photo's and their albums and you see smiling faces or crazy drunken photo's but that really doesn't tell us shit. I've seen some of the greatest smiles on some of the saddest folks I've ever known.

When I changed my relationship status to single I wish their would have been a area to write in this really fucking sucks! I'm sad and I'm losing one of my best friends. Words can not express how difficult it is to hit this delete button. But what do you get? A fucking heart that's split in half and reads "Chris's relationship status has changed." There should be a split heart with a pile of poop next to it. It should read "Chris's relationship status changed and he feels like shit now." The funny thing is is that all the people who ended up writing me to check up on me are the people who would have done so anyways because they have access to my blog address. Even though this blog is public I've only given the address out to people who are a "real" part of my life and not just the facebook part. I'm sound like I'm illing on facebook and I'm not trying to. I actually just logged off of the damn thing and there's this new feature that shows me what people who are not even my friends but are my friends friends are doing or have posted! What the fuck is that about? I could care less what my friends friends are doing but it pops up on my shit anyways...regardless if I want it. There's something kind of creepy about that.

Again, I enjoy seeing pictures of my friends kids and their vacation photos but their is something wrong about the access facebook gives you. It gives the illusion that people are friends when they really are not. "Hey, I found your name on facebook! I know I have not talked to you in years, but how the hell are you?" I think men more then women tend to use facebook in a predatory fashion. I've seen it happen and I've heard from more than a couple female friends who have told me stories. Just heard from my friend since kindergarten who is "married" that's right, married! One of her friends from college was macking on her through facebook.

I don't' know. Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm really missing being able to talk to someone who knows me so well. That's one of the best things about a long term relationship, if you're lucky, the other person has been paying some kind of attention to you and can give good advice when needed or is just an ear that you trust to listen. Or maybe I just miss her. No need to put a bunch of well placed words around that fact. Now I'm fucking stuck with friends like Alex! God help me, Alex? He has the attention span and patience of quick drying glue!

I miss letters. I miss writing letter with pen and paper. That takes commitment and dedication. Then you have to mail the letter, it shows you really care. I think I'm going to bring the art of the hand written letter back. "I'm bringing letters back!" Do you remember that feeling you get when you receive a hand written letter from someone. I'm not talking about cards although those are nice too. When someone writes something nice on a card it makes you feel warm inside but receiving a nice hand written letter for no particular reason at all is the best. Facebook is the opposite of a hand written letter. Facebook is the reality show of communications. It's fast, cheap, easy and unattached. That might just be why it's so damn popular.

I guess ever since I found out someone else has my name and my social security number I've been reflecting on who I am and what kind of person I want to be. I want to be the guy who still writes letters to people. Don't think the irony of me writing all of this on "my blog" is lost on me because it's not. But I'd like to think that this blog is a little bit more personal. If you're reading this blog then you probably know me well enough to know that I don't like bullshit and I do not bullshit on my blog. I save that for my facebook postings.

Where am I? Who am I?

How many people could possibly have the unique name Chris Williams? A lot, a lot, a lot! How many people should have my same social security number? The answer to that question should be one...me. But it turns out not so much. My social security number has been making the rounds in the states and along with it my I.D. Apparently, I've been up to some illegal shit in the US since I've been living in Korea. What the fuck man? The reason why this is funny to me and yes it makes me laugh is because I have never used my powers for evil. When it comes to breaking the law and shit like that I'm the most boring person on the planet, besides a few little high school indiscretions I have not done shit to pop up on the mans radar, yet here I sit, blipping the fuck away. From what I gathered by the very pleasant state police worker who I think believed that I was the real Chris Williams with my particular social security number is that this other Chris Williams is a real fuck face! Seriously, I don't think she was supposed to tell me this shit but apparently I owe a lot of money in child support and have a restraining order against me.

Feel free to laugh, I am. It's funny. No, dead beat biological dads are not funny and neither is what I'm assuming is abuse. But this whole situation is very funny. It would be funnier if this was happening to one of my other friends. But what's not funny is that getting this cleared up may require my ass to fly home which means I would not come back. But my criminal report and my social security number did not match up. My fingerprints and my social security number did not match up. So I have a question....where the fuck am I? Where have I gone and when did you last see me? At first I was really pissed off because I know the amount of work this is going to take to clear up is going to be great. Shit like this is never easy. Never. I had a suspicious feeling something was up after two of my credit cards that have had a zero balance on them for about 10 months now mysterious closed on me. I think I had another warning when a package I ordered to a friends P.O. Box mysterious got delivered to another address because they sent it to Billing instead of Delivery.

Now I get to make daily phone calls to Oregon and my bank until the matter is cleared up. Chris Williams? That has to be one of the most boring ass names around. I should have been named Atticus. I've always liked the name Atticus. I bet there would not be so much confusion if my name was Atticus.

Either way, what's done is done and I can't really do any more then I'm doing. I hope I can meet my deadline and get this all cleared up by next month because if it is not, Korea is going to be sending my ass back to the states in which case I would lose around ten thousand bucks in cash savings. Am I upset? A little bit, but I can still laugh and this has always been my measure of how bad things are in my life. I can still laugh and I can still make fun of myself. I've only not been able to laugh twice in my lifetime and having a little identity problem doesn't register on the "life isn't funny scale."

In my minds mind, this other Chris Williams is a middle aged, beer bellied white dude who rents a small house near freeway. He used to be a baseball star in high school and married early. He's balding just enough to feel the weight of time on his shoulders. He has three kids and two of them he's certain are his. He can't explain where the red hair on the third came from. He works a job that requires his muscles to ache at the end of every ten hour shift. He still loves his ex-wife but never learned how to show her. When he drinks whiskey he gets mean and has decided to stick to Miller and Bud..."fuck that trendy micro-beer shit!" "What the fuck is a Micro-brew anyways?" "That's what's wrong with this God-Damed country!" Chris makes just enough money at his job to be poor. He rubs his right knee and winces every night as he thinks about his youth. His old glove and bat hide in the closet waiting in vain to breath the cool air outside. He watches to much T.V. and he eats for shit! He can't sleep at night and sometimes, for no reason at all, he silently sobs. He thinks about going back to school and finishing up his degree but he has yet to run out of excuses not to. Chris knows in his heart that he can't continue to live his life like this. He no longer sees his kids and deep down he knows they are better off for it. When did he get old? When did he become such a bastard? Maybe he'll go to therapy...but what would the guys at work say? They would call him a pussy that's what they would do. But, he's getting tired of being a coward. He's tired of hiding from himself. There's a reason he doesn't look in the mirror very often. For the first time he writes one of his many self improvement ideas down on paper-research therapists. As he lifts his pencil from the pad a slight shiver runs through his entire body. He really is going to research a therapist. He really is going to make an appointment. Chris gets up off the couch and decides to use the computers at the library. He picks up his keys off the coffee table, puts his work boots on, and turns off the television. As he closes his door, he decides to walk instead of drive. Maybe tomorrow he'll call up the guys and get a soft-ball game going at the park. As Chris disappears down the hill a single tear rolls down the grain of his baseball bat.

vote here vote now!!!

I was not expecting to write a blog this soon but I just had to get this off my chest. I have not talked about the political atmosphere in a long time but I just have to comment on some things. I'm not even going to talk about the qualifications of Palin but I would like to discuss some of the comments circling around about the governor of Alaska. First of all, who really gives a fuck how many kids she has? I don't. But some have actually considered this and tried to make it stick. It's already been said but it bares repeating that this question would never be asked to a male running for office. Palin is married and what's wrong with the husband spending more time at home to keep a watchful eye on the children? Her young daughter is pregnant. Ok, shit happens. But when shit like this happens to a person who is a staunch supporter of "abstinence only" sex education the irony of the situation should not be lost on people. Does abstinence only education really work....well, the proof really is in the pudding. Is this Palin's fault? Nope. Young people are horny. At least, most young people are horny, and sex feels good. Most people like to have sex. This is just a fact of life and people need to stop pretending otherwise. So if we know that young people are going to be engaging in "the sex" why not educate them on how to do it responsibly and safely. Shit man, even with sex education mistakes still happen, it's a fact of life and covering your eyes will not change that fact.

Here's my problem with conservatives right now. There is this "do as we say, not as we do" attitude. I keep hearing people say that families should be off limits in politics and I mostly agree with this. But why should it be just families that are off limits. I think lies should be off limits. I think bullshit should be off limits but apparently this is completely acceptable in our politics. But give me a fucking break people. You have people like Rush fucking Limbaugh telling people to back off Palin and screaming sexism. Now, there is and there will continue to be sexist remarks made and they will play a role during the elections. There is and there will continue to be racial remarks make and they will continue to play a role during the elections. I ask you to honestly consider this scenario in reverse. Imagine that Barack and Michelle have five kids and their teenage daughter gets pregnant. Do you really think that the Rush Limbaughs and the news media would not make that a story? Do you not think that people would try to link those old stereotypes about the young, black, unwed mother to the stories that would be told about their daughter? People need to be real. Barack would have been crushed by all the media.

People keep talking about character and morality but it's all bullshit and the news is falling for the same old traps. People are questioning character and morals and skipping policies and disturbing events that look like abuses of power. Fucking 20% of people in America think Obama is or was a Muslim. They think he's lying when he says he is not. What the fuck? What is wrong with people and why is it Ok to hate on Muslims so publicly in our country. Did 9/11 make it socially acceptable to hate people from the Middle East? The answer is yes, yes, yes! If Barack had married Michelle after leaving his first wife for her it would be such a fucking scandal the the news would talk about it all the time. His character would be questioned constantly. If Barack had a history of telling sexist jokes he would be crushed. If he had a well documented anger problem he would not have made it this far.

This is really a season of double standards and I am scared shitless. This could be one of the most important decisions in my life time. I hope it does not boil down to guns, gays and abortion. I hope to God it goes deeper than that this year.

I do not understand how people are consistently voting against their own interests. I've been listening to the news lately and they said just today that "white people" have inches McCain above Obama in the polls. First of all, no shit dude. Like we couldn't see that one coming. But these people who are voting for McCain are voting against improving the quality of their life. They are voting against policies that will give them tax breaks and lower the cost of certain services they need. I'm talking about lower income white folks here. I actually thought that the only color that would really end up mattering in the end was the color of money but race is still a huge issue in our country. We are not nearly as far along as we would like to believe. Before Palin I think it was a lot easier for some people to use Barack's experience as their main deterrent to wanting to vote for him. But now they are sweating a little bit because they have to come up with other reasons that they think will not be looked down upon.

I say fuck that. Say it like you mean it people. I'll start. Being that I'm am not afraid of white people or women I can honestly say that McCains race plays no role in my feelings about him. Palins gender plays no role in my feelings about her. I would like to say that religion should not play a role but it does. That's why the whole Muslim thing is so powerful, but are the more liberal people any better. I'm including myself in this category by the way. I find myself concerned about Creationists in our country. I think to myself, if you really believe that the earth is not that old should you be making policy decisions or have influence on a domestic and global level? But, am I not then treating their crazy asses similarly to the way Muslims are being treated? I don't know. I struggle with this. But, if you try to ban books then you don't deserve to speak for anyone but yourself and maybe your family. Leave the rest of us the fuck alone. Don't try to tell me what I can and can not read. Don't try to limit the information that I can have access to. If you do that then you truly are a threat to the United States of America and all that we should stand for.

Some days I feel like the people of the world have a death wish. We are destroying the planet and attacking each other daily. Some days I feel like the United States is leading the way with this attitude. For the first time I feel like our votes in November will truly decide the future of our country for generations to come. That is not a decision that should be made because of race, gender, age, sexuality, or religion. I guess it comes down to what kind of world do people want to live in or more importantly what kind of world do people want their children and future children to live in.