I had some weird Korean dreams last night. They weren't really Korean dreams, I just like the way it sounds sometimes to put Korean at the beginning of something. Like when I have a headache, I'll say "Man this Korean headache is killing me!".
Anyways, my dreams were off the charts and I woke myself up several times yelling or talking to myself. I think the red glow from my heater affects my sleep. This is the first weekend of work since I've been here that I don't have to work so it's kind of odd for me to have all this free time on a weekend. I feel like I should go do something but I'm so tired for some reason. It was a long week. Danielle is moving to a new city and we have been unable to speak for the past couple of days and that's been interesting. You don't realize how used you get to hearing someones voice until it's taken away. We lived about two hours away from each other and saw one another every other week or so and the phone has been our main means of communication. I think it's healthy to have moments of space with any relationship, friend or partner. I was never one of those people who wanted to be around my friends or my significant others all the time. On the flip side of that I don't need a particularly long space of time by myself to feel that I've been giving myself enough "me time" either. Although sometimes I do feel pretty damn antisocial. I have good people in my life though. I have those I talk to every week and those I talk to a couple times a year. I appreciate all my peeps equally though.
As I'm writing this I can feel last night's dreams fading back into the cosmos. I know that they centered around my relationship with my family and I had the realization that they are not going to be around forever. Even if I don't want to admit it to myself I've always had the feeling that I'm going to be around for a very long time. When I was younger and dumber I had this idea that it might be more interesting to die young (not in a suicidal kind of way). I really don't know what I used to think like that but even then I didn't really buy it, even from myself. Life is just getting interesting, it's the greatest gift in all the universe. I think people give it away and take it away all to easily. I do know that most of us (including myself) assume there is time enough.... You can fill in the blank. There's time enough to go back to school. There's time enough to learn a new language. There's time enough to learn how to play the piano. But that's not the case. We have no idea what there is time enough for and that's what makes us so fragile and strong at the same time. Our parents are getting older, time is catching up with our childhood friends, and we are finding it harder to stay in shape (I'll never give up the potato chip...one of my top ten favorite inventions).
I have this vision of what my parent's look like and I'm sure it's wrong. In my head they are the young parents of two small boys living in a duplex on 265 Durand Street in East Lansing Michigan. My good friend Scott Fitzpatrick lives in the adjoining duplex and my best friend Luke Terry lives next door in a house mostly made of wood that always smells of Christmas, even during those humid Michigan summers. Butterball, my cat, still prowls the back yard for giant grasshoppers and I am forced (I secretly love having my brother around at night to protect me from all the escaped killer clowns from the circus) to share a room with my older brother. My very large and thick afro is difficult to manage at times and I love staring at Sa-ray Miller in Kindergarten Class...she will be my wife one day, I am convinced of this. I would marry my best girl friend Dayna but that would be gross. Toby and I eat ants in the back of Ms. White's (soon to be Mrs. Hearts) class to gross out the girls. I find myself getting jealous because Toby's Middle name is Andrew and Andrew Hudson points this out every change he gets. It rains in the evening and this is very exciting because when it stops I will go in the backyard with my flashlight following my dad around looking for worms. We will go fishing tomorrow and catch a million fish. Tonight, I will be allowed to watch a horror movie to the objection of my mom. I'm old enough! But I will end up sleeping between the safety of my parent's breathing later.
But time has done its continuous march and there is not enough of it as far as I'm concerned. I'm 31 and only getting older. Butterball "ran away" later that summer. I think she got hit by a car personally. I have not lived with my parents or my brother for that matter since I was 18 years old. Scott Fitzpatrick, Luke Terry and Toby Lawerence will be my friends for life but I only see one of them on a regular basis. Sa-ray belonged to what I can only refer to as a religious cult and ended up moving out West somewhere to pray...a lot! I am now bald...by choice! I do miss my afro on these cold Korean nights however. Dayna is still one of my best girlfriends and had I known she was going to be as beautiful and smart as she is I would have made my move in Kindergarten. But I missed my chance all those years ago in Ms. Whites class, we are forever friends and she is married, happy, rich and powerful and expecting a baby boy any day now. I don't get jealous of many people these days and my old friend Andrew died late last year. I have not been fishing in years...I do miss it. I hope my dad takes my brothers daughter fishing. Those are memories that should be passed down through the generations. I can still smell what wet earth smells like in the great state of Michigan. I also know my beautiful niece will not escape the William's Family horror movie obsession. Poor girl, I hope she develops a love for them like I have. I'm still working on Danielle. Horror movies have started some heated arguments between the two of us. "It's just a movie babe, it's not real...now please open your eyes and watch the not so nice man disembowel this other nice man." I stopped needing the protection of my parents a long time ago...especially from things that as it turns out do not go bump in the night. I might have stopped need their protection but I think it would not be the whole truth to write I've stopped wanting it. Perhaps a small percentage of me will always yearn for the days when it was that simple.
I think it would be a shame, a damn shame, if the people who helped make my lifes memories didn't know how much I appreciate them and what a special place they hold in my heart.
C
Friday, February 15, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Politics and crappy can openers
A friend sent this video to me a while ago and I just now had the chance to check it out. It's pretty interesting. http://my.barackobama.com/yeswecan
I really do wish I could be there right now. It seems like a great time to be thirty something or younger and be able to vote. I keep hearing how there are record numbers of young people getting involved in politics this year and I think that is a great sign for our country. Maybe they are sick of letting the older generations decide the future of our country and our planet for that matter. I think all good things must come to an end and there really does need to be more of a balance between who is making important decisions from now on. I'm not saying the older generations don't have a role to play. I think the older generations will always be of importance. But our planet and our humanity need an injection of new thoughts and newer ideas. You don't have to be young to have new thoughts and make change but I do believe it helps. I'm not sure who is going to win the democratic side of things but it sure will be historic. And, it sure will scare the hell out of the establishment. I'll leave it up to your imagination who the establishment is. I was listening to NPR again and this guy who identified himself as an old, white southerner told Ira Glass on Talk of the Nation that he will vote for Clinton but if Obama wins he will vote for McCain. When he was asked why he said, "Obama speaks eloquently, but there's not much substance behind him" When Glass pressed the caller for another reason the caller said, "Plus he's Black and I don't care what people say, race is an important factor." He told Ira Glass that he has lots of friends who feel the same way he does.
Again, I am unsure who is the best choice for the Democrats at this crucial time. It's a hard hard choice. But what this man was saying is that he didn't think a Black person was smart enough to lead the country. I forgot to tell you that he said he was voting for Edwards until he dropped out. I have a feeling it is older white dudes like this who will end up being a huge factor. This is what I was trying to say in some previous blogs. This population is flying under the radar for some reason. I really do feel that race is becoming less and less of an issue with the American youth. It's less of an issue for kids in high school now then when I was in high school (all those years ago). Sometimes I get the feeling that the older generations are trying to hold on so tight to their old school prejudices. Some of them have achieved injecting their prejudices into their children which in the end can only set their kids back. Sidney Poitier says something interesting in the movie Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. He's speaking to his father and he's trying talk about his engagement to a White woman. The father just can't understand and is very upset with Sidney and finally Sidney has enough and yells out something like, "It's not until your whole damn generation is dead and buried that we will be able to move on from this mindset". This comment is mostly untrue because like I just said, people pass their beliefs on to their children. But, I kind of understand what he is trying to say. It's like, if we keep electing the same freaking people into positions of power and decision making we're never really going to get any new results. I mean, the planet is in big trouble and it seems like human beings are starting to group into "our-side" vs "your-side" which is always a dangerous mindset. I don't know many people who are born hating someone. It's something you learn to do. You learn by watching those who are older then you interact with the world. You learn by how the world interacts with you. So, I hope if I ever have children that I will keep to a minimum the amount of prejudices I grew up with that have infected my very being. A simple joke about someone, a little head shake, I think that's all it really takes to influence the young about those who appear different. I think change is in the air and it's long past due if you ask me.
More about Korea:
The can openers here suck! They all have plastic turn knobs that break. They were charging 32,000won ($32.00) for can openers in this one store that's like a Nordstrom. Danielle and I could not believe it. It was nothing special either. Still had a plastic knob which means it's good for opening two cans before it breaks. I just broke my third can opener so I'm a little bitter at the moment. I miss American can openers that were probably made in China!!!
You can get a variety of meats on a stick here. Seriously, you can get pretty much any kind of meat on a stick you want. You can also dip your meat on a stick as many times as you want into a communal bowl of sauce. I have never done this and I will never do this because as some of you know I am very Germophobic. I watch people buy their Octopus on a stick or their Sausage's on a stick and then they take a bit and dip and then take another bite and dip and this process goes on and on and on until I feel dizzy and have to sit down. I'm weak that way. Danielle makes fun of me but I don't see her dipping he meat sticks into the communal bowl of disease and death. She keeps trying to get me to buy these silk worm larva things they sell like peanuts over here. I would buy some to eat but they are not crunchy they are slimy looking. If I'm going to eat bugs I need a crunch you know what I'm saying. They also have an assortment of dried seafood items which in all honestly taste like salty dry fish, so if you like fish and you like dry salty things, you'd probably like these.
It's also perfectly acceptable to get drunk off your ass here. Now for some reason I don't drink here. I've had about three beers since I've been here (not that I drink much in the States) and they all taste pretty much like water. The popular drink here is called Soju and you can buy it anywhere. It's like vodka I guess and it's cheap as hell. You can buy a bottle for under one dollar and I've heard it packs a punch. I have no interest in it. I've seen what it does to people. I've walked over many a Korean man passed out on the sidewalk with a bottle of Soju next to him. I'm not joking by the way. You walk by men in suits (it's been all men) passed out on the street. People just step right over them. Every time I've seen one of these drunk pieces of art on the street it's been mid afternoon. It's not late at night, it's in the middle of the day. But kissing in public is looked down on??? I think things like this are very funny. I just found out that it used to be illegal for women to smoke outside (everybody smokes here) but now it's just highly looked down on. So, if you're a lady you can only smoke inside. I guess that's so you get a higher concentration of the cancer causing agents. You are not allowed to wear any make up in school....period. There seem to be lots of restrictions and rules here. Some I find odd and some I don't mind. It doesn't bother me that if I hand money to an older person I should use both hands when doing so, or that I should cover my heart with one hand while pouring a drink with the other if the person is older then me. But, if I was a smoker and had to stay inside because of my gender to do it I think I wouldn't like that so much. I have noticed that the older you get as a woman the more these rules don't seem to apply to you. I've said it before, Worldwide, women are the most oppressed group there is.
I got sick of being stared at this time around. I just wasn't in the mood this past week and it happened a lot. Danielle told me I need to learn how to say "take a picture" in Korean. I think she may be right. Sometimes people will point at me and stare and this really gets on my nerves. I was on the subway two weeks ago watching these grown men give each other neck rubs when one noticed me and started looking at me like I was very very strange. He continued to rub his buddies neck while giving me this look of confusion. I just kept thinking to myself, it really is location location location. Two men giving each other neck rubs on a crowded subway is an every day occurrence here. A black man sitting quietly, listening to his ipod on a crowded subway, fucking abnormal!!!! Korea. Gotta love it.
I really do wish I could be there right now. It seems like a great time to be thirty something or younger and be able to vote. I keep hearing how there are record numbers of young people getting involved in politics this year and I think that is a great sign for our country. Maybe they are sick of letting the older generations decide the future of our country and our planet for that matter. I think all good things must come to an end and there really does need to be more of a balance between who is making important decisions from now on. I'm not saying the older generations don't have a role to play. I think the older generations will always be of importance. But our planet and our humanity need an injection of new thoughts and newer ideas. You don't have to be young to have new thoughts and make change but I do believe it helps. I'm not sure who is going to win the democratic side of things but it sure will be historic. And, it sure will scare the hell out of the establishment. I'll leave it up to your imagination who the establishment is. I was listening to NPR again and this guy who identified himself as an old, white southerner told Ira Glass on Talk of the Nation that he will vote for Clinton but if Obama wins he will vote for McCain. When he was asked why he said, "Obama speaks eloquently, but there's not much substance behind him" When Glass pressed the caller for another reason the caller said, "Plus he's Black and I don't care what people say, race is an important factor." He told Ira Glass that he has lots of friends who feel the same way he does.
Again, I am unsure who is the best choice for the Democrats at this crucial time. It's a hard hard choice. But what this man was saying is that he didn't think a Black person was smart enough to lead the country. I forgot to tell you that he said he was voting for Edwards until he dropped out. I have a feeling it is older white dudes like this who will end up being a huge factor. This is what I was trying to say in some previous blogs. This population is flying under the radar for some reason. I really do feel that race is becoming less and less of an issue with the American youth. It's less of an issue for kids in high school now then when I was in high school (all those years ago). Sometimes I get the feeling that the older generations are trying to hold on so tight to their old school prejudices. Some of them have achieved injecting their prejudices into their children which in the end can only set their kids back. Sidney Poitier says something interesting in the movie Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. He's speaking to his father and he's trying talk about his engagement to a White woman. The father just can't understand and is very upset with Sidney and finally Sidney has enough and yells out something like, "It's not until your whole damn generation is dead and buried that we will be able to move on from this mindset". This comment is mostly untrue because like I just said, people pass their beliefs on to their children. But, I kind of understand what he is trying to say. It's like, if we keep electing the same freaking people into positions of power and decision making we're never really going to get any new results. I mean, the planet is in big trouble and it seems like human beings are starting to group into "our-side" vs "your-side" which is always a dangerous mindset. I don't know many people who are born hating someone. It's something you learn to do. You learn by watching those who are older then you interact with the world. You learn by how the world interacts with you. So, I hope if I ever have children that I will keep to a minimum the amount of prejudices I grew up with that have infected my very being. A simple joke about someone, a little head shake, I think that's all it really takes to influence the young about those who appear different. I think change is in the air and it's long past due if you ask me.
More about Korea:
The can openers here suck! They all have plastic turn knobs that break. They were charging 32,000won ($32.00) for can openers in this one store that's like a Nordstrom. Danielle and I could not believe it. It was nothing special either. Still had a plastic knob which means it's good for opening two cans before it breaks. I just broke my third can opener so I'm a little bitter at the moment. I miss American can openers that were probably made in China!!!
You can get a variety of meats on a stick here. Seriously, you can get pretty much any kind of meat on a stick you want. You can also dip your meat on a stick as many times as you want into a communal bowl of sauce. I have never done this and I will never do this because as some of you know I am very Germophobic. I watch people buy their Octopus on a stick or their Sausage's on a stick and then they take a bit and dip and then take another bite and dip and this process goes on and on and on until I feel dizzy and have to sit down. I'm weak that way. Danielle makes fun of me but I don't see her dipping he meat sticks into the communal bowl of disease and death. She keeps trying to get me to buy these silk worm larva things they sell like peanuts over here. I would buy some to eat but they are not crunchy they are slimy looking. If I'm going to eat bugs I need a crunch you know what I'm saying. They also have an assortment of dried seafood items which in all honestly taste like salty dry fish, so if you like fish and you like dry salty things, you'd probably like these.
It's also perfectly acceptable to get drunk off your ass here. Now for some reason I don't drink here. I've had about three beers since I've been here (not that I drink much in the States) and they all taste pretty much like water. The popular drink here is called Soju and you can buy it anywhere. It's like vodka I guess and it's cheap as hell. You can buy a bottle for under one dollar and I've heard it packs a punch. I have no interest in it. I've seen what it does to people. I've walked over many a Korean man passed out on the sidewalk with a bottle of Soju next to him. I'm not joking by the way. You walk by men in suits (it's been all men) passed out on the street. People just step right over them. Every time I've seen one of these drunk pieces of art on the street it's been mid afternoon. It's not late at night, it's in the middle of the day. But kissing in public is looked down on??? I think things like this are very funny. I just found out that it used to be illegal for women to smoke outside (everybody smokes here) but now it's just highly looked down on. So, if you're a lady you can only smoke inside. I guess that's so you get a higher concentration of the cancer causing agents. You are not allowed to wear any make up in school....period. There seem to be lots of restrictions and rules here. Some I find odd and some I don't mind. It doesn't bother me that if I hand money to an older person I should use both hands when doing so, or that I should cover my heart with one hand while pouring a drink with the other if the person is older then me. But, if I was a smoker and had to stay inside because of my gender to do it I think I wouldn't like that so much. I have noticed that the older you get as a woman the more these rules don't seem to apply to you. I've said it before, Worldwide, women are the most oppressed group there is.
I got sick of being stared at this time around. I just wasn't in the mood this past week and it happened a lot. Danielle told me I need to learn how to say "take a picture" in Korean. I think she may be right. Sometimes people will point at me and stare and this really gets on my nerves. I was on the subway two weeks ago watching these grown men give each other neck rubs when one noticed me and started looking at me like I was very very strange. He continued to rub his buddies neck while giving me this look of confusion. I just kept thinking to myself, it really is location location location. Two men giving each other neck rubs on a crowded subway is an every day occurrence here. A black man sitting quietly, listening to his ipod on a crowded subway, fucking abnormal!!!! Korea. Gotta love it.
Year of the Rat!!!!
Where to begin. I am truly a stranger in a strange land. Korea is an interesting place to live for someone like me. Every time I go out and explore I am educated about some tradition or cultural aspect of the people. During the Chinese New Year Danielle and I headed south on the bullet train to Busan. We had visited Busan once before over the Christmas Holiday. We went to a fish market and it was beautiful and disturbing at the same time. I've never really felt sorry for fish until this moment. I would probably feel sorry for all the living animals I eat and enjoy eating if I was forced to watch how some of these animals are prepared. It's got me seriously thinking about going vegetarian. I'm not all the way there yet but I'm really thinking about it. I just saw some disturbing shit man. The fish market consisted of vendor after vendor hocking the days fresh selection of fish, both known and unknown to me, and all variety of shellfish. The vendors were mostly elderly women whose husbands I can only assume were fishing and bringing in the merchandise to them. These women were slicing the skin off of live eels and then tossing them in this plastic tub so people could watch or buy some if they wanted to. I can not get this image out of mind though. These bleeding skinless things squirming around and slowly dying. I don't know how much fish feel pain but it was obvious these eels had seen better days.
I can only imagine how other foods are prepared both here and back in the states. I think hunters have it right man. Those hunters that eat what it is they kill. There was just something really disrespectful about watching those damn skinless eels squirming around in those tubs like that. I just kept thinking about all the tasty living creatures I have consumed in my life time and how they ended their lives so I could enjoy their flesh. Maybe I don't want to be a veggie, maybe I just want to make sure that what I'm eating ending it life cycle quickly and in a somewhat respectful manner. I used to go fishing with my dad all the time when I was younger and I loved every minute of it. When we caught fish that were be enough to keep we always killed them quickly and ate whatever we kept. I don't have a problem with that but how can I be sure that chicken I eat came to a "good death" or that cow that I do enjoy so much. I think if and when I go back to Portland I'm going to get to know my local providers more and pay that extra cash to be able to trace what I put in my belly. It sounds kind of wishy washy but I think it can be done...scratch that, I know it can be done. And don't think for one minute that it's lost on me that only people (in the U.S. anyways) with enough money can afford the luxury of thinking like this and acting like this. There are lots of people who just can't afford to buy food in this way and I respect that, but the fact of the matter is that I can afford to put a little more thought into the food that passes over my lips.
While Danielle and I were walking through this market an old Korean man came up to me and gave me a high five and then shook my hand with vigor. In Korean, he asked me if I was American. I didn't understand what he was saying until Danielle informed me. Between the two of us I think we can put two sentences together in Korean. When I told him I was Korean he became very excited and walked a little bit with us. He shook Danielle's hand after a while and sniffed it slightly. I'm not sure she caught this, but I sure did. It wasn't like a dirty old man sniff, it was like he was sniffing what it was like to be young and beautiful and he took it all in. I'm pretty sure he commented on how soft her hands felt to him and then he stopped by this huge wooden barrel full of raw peanuts. He dipped hi hand into the barrel and pulled out a handful. He gave me some and then gave Danielle the rest. He clamped my hand over the nuts and then did the same to Danielle. He seemed to enjoy this very much because he smiled wide and then said goodbye in English. Just like that, he turned the corner and left the two of us holding a handful of peanuts wondering what just happened. It was one of the moments that made you wish you could follow a stranger for a day and just see what their life was like.
In Korea, there is so much stuff to eat and buy. You can not go any where without food being shoved in your face and items priced to go. At these markets and sometimes on the subway I have started to notice older men who have no legs at all or whose legs lay lifeless as hey drag themselves along the floor. They usually have some kind of radio or tape player with them that puts out soft music with no words. I don't really know whose these people are but I think they are reminders of the war which took place in this country. Every time I pass these men I feel ashamed for some reason. I don't feel ashamed every time I walk pass a homeless person (maybe I should though) or some one who is missing a part of their body but with these men I feel this sense of shame and I can't really pinpoint why that is. Maybe because they don't really beg you for money. They just float by you like icebergs in the ocean. You can feel the chill from their presence and in all honesty I feel relieved when they have passed. But maybe that's the problem with me. I don't engage them. Granted I don't speak Korean but giving someone 1,000 won ($1.00) is not going to break me. I guess I've become way to accustomed to passing people who need help without a moment's thought.
In Portland the homeless population was thick. I found myself getting annoyed with people approaching me and asking for money. Perhaps this feeling of annoyance is my brains way of protecting itself against the shame of passing another human being who is in need. Perhaps just the act of acknowledging that you see someone is enough of a kindness in that situation. I can't tell you how many times I hear that voice in my head that says "just don't make eye contact", "walk faster", "cross the street". There was this twilight zone episode where instead of putting people in jail they got this mark put on their forehead and that meant that the rest of the world was to shun them for however long they had this mark. I remember this guy would try to talk to people he knew and people he didn't know and no one would talk to him. He ended up getting hurt and still nobody would help him and he went a little off. After a year or so he got the mark taken off of his head and he passed a women who had ignored him when he had the mark on his head. She now had the mark on her head for breaking the law and she was beginning him to acknowledge that she was there. At first he walked by her but then he stopped and couldn't bring himself to continue walking away from this woman because he knew what that felt like. It was worse then any prison I guess. I'm not really sure what that story has to do with anything but it just popped inside of my head. I don't here many politicians talking about poverty on the campaign trail these days...especially now that Edwards is out of the picture.
Let me leave you with this last story of my Chinese New Year in Korea. Today Danielle and I took the train back to Seoul Station and she headed south to Bundang and I headed North to Paju. The train back to Paju was packed tight but I managed to get a seat. These two young girls got on the train at one of the stops and were eating french fries from a fast food place. Now I don't know if you know this but many Koreans do not cover their mouths when they cough. They just cough right out there and if you happen to be right out there you will have your ass coughed on. They also burp loudly and without hesitation. These burps come from the gut too man, I mean it's nasty. So I'm sitting down listening to my ipod and these girls are talking to each other when suddenly this girl starts coughing and chunks of half digested fries go over my brand new backpack which I bought at a market in Busan. Got a wonderful deal for it and YES I'm very proud of this because I am the world's worst haggler. Anyways, back to the fries. She coughs up these fries and they land on my bag because she didn't put her freaking hands in front of her mouth. Now here's the messed up part, she looks at this nasty chunk of potato and doesn't do a damn thing. She just goes back to talking to her friend. Now, I know that she saw this piece of food on my bag. I also know that she knows it came from her freaking mouth....AND I also know that she knows I know it came from her so the fact that she did not even attempt to remove said fries from said bag boiled my blood. It was like one of those movies where the scene stops and the actor breaks character and starts talking to the audience. I went deep inside my head and starting asking myself what I should do. Was this some odd Korean cultural thing where you spit on a foreign person and don't acknowledge it. Was this some age thing where a young person just doesn't give a fuck what they do. I don't know but I had made up my mind to tap this young girl on the shoulder and point to the glop of potato glistening on my brand new bag. I felt like I was about to create an international incident when fate stepped in. This old woman had been watching the whole thing and in the moment my muscles started firing to reach up and tap the girl this women started to say something in Korean loudly (which is not hard to do since most Koreans are very quite on public transportation...they just don't talk loud on the subway the bus or the train) and this girl bowed her head to the women and then wiped away the potato and with it wiped away all possible chance of an incident on a global scale. I can see the headlines now. Large African-American (I prefer Black...or Chris if you really want to be down) taps tiny Korean girl on the shoulder....demands removal of potato spittle! Thank the Gods for old Korean women who demand that people listen to and respect them.
I can only imagine how other foods are prepared both here and back in the states. I think hunters have it right man. Those hunters that eat what it is they kill. There was just something really disrespectful about watching those damn skinless eels squirming around in those tubs like that. I just kept thinking about all the tasty living creatures I have consumed in my life time and how they ended their lives so I could enjoy their flesh. Maybe I don't want to be a veggie, maybe I just want to make sure that what I'm eating ending it life cycle quickly and in a somewhat respectful manner. I used to go fishing with my dad all the time when I was younger and I loved every minute of it. When we caught fish that were be enough to keep we always killed them quickly and ate whatever we kept. I don't have a problem with that but how can I be sure that chicken I eat came to a "good death" or that cow that I do enjoy so much. I think if and when I go back to Portland I'm going to get to know my local providers more and pay that extra cash to be able to trace what I put in my belly. It sounds kind of wishy washy but I think it can be done...scratch that, I know it can be done. And don't think for one minute that it's lost on me that only people (in the U.S. anyways) with enough money can afford the luxury of thinking like this and acting like this. There are lots of people who just can't afford to buy food in this way and I respect that, but the fact of the matter is that I can afford to put a little more thought into the food that passes over my lips.
While Danielle and I were walking through this market an old Korean man came up to me and gave me a high five and then shook my hand with vigor. In Korean, he asked me if I was American. I didn't understand what he was saying until Danielle informed me. Between the two of us I think we can put two sentences together in Korean. When I told him I was Korean he became very excited and walked a little bit with us. He shook Danielle's hand after a while and sniffed it slightly. I'm not sure she caught this, but I sure did. It wasn't like a dirty old man sniff, it was like he was sniffing what it was like to be young and beautiful and he took it all in. I'm pretty sure he commented on how soft her hands felt to him and then he stopped by this huge wooden barrel full of raw peanuts. He dipped hi hand into the barrel and pulled out a handful. He gave me some and then gave Danielle the rest. He clamped my hand over the nuts and then did the same to Danielle. He seemed to enjoy this very much because he smiled wide and then said goodbye in English. Just like that, he turned the corner and left the two of us holding a handful of peanuts wondering what just happened. It was one of the moments that made you wish you could follow a stranger for a day and just see what their life was like.
In Korea, there is so much stuff to eat and buy. You can not go any where without food being shoved in your face and items priced to go. At these markets and sometimes on the subway I have started to notice older men who have no legs at all or whose legs lay lifeless as hey drag themselves along the floor. They usually have some kind of radio or tape player with them that puts out soft music with no words. I don't really know whose these people are but I think they are reminders of the war which took place in this country. Every time I pass these men I feel ashamed for some reason. I don't feel ashamed every time I walk pass a homeless person (maybe I should though) or some one who is missing a part of their body but with these men I feel this sense of shame and I can't really pinpoint why that is. Maybe because they don't really beg you for money. They just float by you like icebergs in the ocean. You can feel the chill from their presence and in all honesty I feel relieved when they have passed. But maybe that's the problem with me. I don't engage them. Granted I don't speak Korean but giving someone 1,000 won ($1.00) is not going to break me. I guess I've become way to accustomed to passing people who need help without a moment's thought.
In Portland the homeless population was thick. I found myself getting annoyed with people approaching me and asking for money. Perhaps this feeling of annoyance is my brains way of protecting itself against the shame of passing another human being who is in need. Perhaps just the act of acknowledging that you see someone is enough of a kindness in that situation. I can't tell you how many times I hear that voice in my head that says "just don't make eye contact", "walk faster", "cross the street". There was this twilight zone episode where instead of putting people in jail they got this mark put on their forehead and that meant that the rest of the world was to shun them for however long they had this mark. I remember this guy would try to talk to people he knew and people he didn't know and no one would talk to him. He ended up getting hurt and still nobody would help him and he went a little off. After a year or so he got the mark taken off of his head and he passed a women who had ignored him when he had the mark on his head. She now had the mark on her head for breaking the law and she was beginning him to acknowledge that she was there. At first he walked by her but then he stopped and couldn't bring himself to continue walking away from this woman because he knew what that felt like. It was worse then any prison I guess. I'm not really sure what that story has to do with anything but it just popped inside of my head. I don't here many politicians talking about poverty on the campaign trail these days...especially now that Edwards is out of the picture.
Let me leave you with this last story of my Chinese New Year in Korea. Today Danielle and I took the train back to Seoul Station and she headed south to Bundang and I headed North to Paju. The train back to Paju was packed tight but I managed to get a seat. These two young girls got on the train at one of the stops and were eating french fries from a fast food place. Now I don't know if you know this but many Koreans do not cover their mouths when they cough. They just cough right out there and if you happen to be right out there you will have your ass coughed on. They also burp loudly and without hesitation. These burps come from the gut too man, I mean it's nasty. So I'm sitting down listening to my ipod and these girls are talking to each other when suddenly this girl starts coughing and chunks of half digested fries go over my brand new backpack which I bought at a market in Busan. Got a wonderful deal for it and YES I'm very proud of this because I am the world's worst haggler. Anyways, back to the fries. She coughs up these fries and they land on my bag because she didn't put her freaking hands in front of her mouth. Now here's the messed up part, she looks at this nasty chunk of potato and doesn't do a damn thing. She just goes back to talking to her friend. Now, I know that she saw this piece of food on my bag. I also know that she knows it came from her freaking mouth....AND I also know that she knows I know it came from her so the fact that she did not even attempt to remove said fries from said bag boiled my blood. It was like one of those movies where the scene stops and the actor breaks character and starts talking to the audience. I went deep inside my head and starting asking myself what I should do. Was this some odd Korean cultural thing where you spit on a foreign person and don't acknowledge it. Was this some age thing where a young person just doesn't give a fuck what they do. I don't know but I had made up my mind to tap this young girl on the shoulder and point to the glop of potato glistening on my brand new bag. I felt like I was about to create an international incident when fate stepped in. This old woman had been watching the whole thing and in the moment my muscles started firing to reach up and tap the girl this women started to say something in Korean loudly (which is not hard to do since most Koreans are very quite on public transportation...they just don't talk loud on the subway the bus or the train) and this girl bowed her head to the women and then wiped away the potato and with it wiped away all possible chance of an incident on a global scale. I can see the headlines now. Large African-American (I prefer Black...or Chris if you really want to be down) taps tiny Korean girl on the shoulder....demands removal of potato spittle! Thank the Gods for old Korean women who demand that people listen to and respect them.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Happy Chinese New Year
The Chinese New Year is quickly approaching and this country is getting ready to party. Come Wednesday, my time not many people will be working and the majority of Koreans will either leave the country or head down south for a well deserved vacation. Remember that most people work all the time here. When you're young you go to school just about every day from morning til night, and when I say night I mean night. These kids go to regular school and then they go to their after schools. Learning English, Math, Science, whatever it is that their parents have decided will be good for them to learn. I had the chance to teach a lot of these kids this past month and they need a break man. These young men and women are going stir crazy. I'm kind of split about how I feel. I mean it's important to have some kind of an education in todays times but DAMN!!! These kids don't play sports, they are not in the best of shape, and they don't get any of my jokes. I know lots of people don't get my jokes but those other two things are important also.
Sometimes I think that the U.S. is a little too focused on extra-curricular activities but these kids got nothing. There has to be a balance. If you put 99.9 percent of the kids I've worked with back in the states on a Korean schedule they wouldn't last a week. I'm not sure if I would last a week in this system and I like school work (call me crazy). This vacation is their last week before they go back to their private or public schools. Schools have been out for the past month but those kids that can afford it have continued to attend special school camps, private lessons, and places like my work. What's the point of being really smart if you don't have a sense of humor? That's my motto anyways. So I've taken it upon myself to make sure Korean boys and girls can not just tell fart jokes in English but de-construct them. I've been asking around and other teachers around the area have noticed this lack of physical interactions these kids get. The U.S. has it's share of couch potato kids and I would not classify these guys as couch potatoes. They are not really lazy. They just don't do much else except study. They play video games and help me understand how to work my cell phone but they don't really do much else.
The environment is so competitive here that parent will often take test and write papers for their children. According to some of my Korean co-workers its gotten so bad in the country that they have had to figure out new ways of giving placement test. Everyone has been finding ways to cheat because they don't want their kids to be left behind. Again, it's not like parents in the U.S. don't cheat for their kids sometimes but it is really rampant here. I think that maybe people in the U.S. are more willing to acknowledge that some people are just dumb-ass's and it's better to know who these people are.
I hope my kids are able to do something fun over the upcoming holiday and I hope that fun does not include a crystal screen, batteries and both their thumbs.
Sometimes I think that the U.S. is a little too focused on extra-curricular activities but these kids got nothing. There has to be a balance. If you put 99.9 percent of the kids I've worked with back in the states on a Korean schedule they wouldn't last a week. I'm not sure if I would last a week in this system and I like school work (call me crazy). This vacation is their last week before they go back to their private or public schools. Schools have been out for the past month but those kids that can afford it have continued to attend special school camps, private lessons, and places like my work. What's the point of being really smart if you don't have a sense of humor? That's my motto anyways. So I've taken it upon myself to make sure Korean boys and girls can not just tell fart jokes in English but de-construct them. I've been asking around and other teachers around the area have noticed this lack of physical interactions these kids get. The U.S. has it's share of couch potato kids and I would not classify these guys as couch potatoes. They are not really lazy. They just don't do much else except study. They play video games and help me understand how to work my cell phone but they don't really do much else.
The environment is so competitive here that parent will often take test and write papers for their children. According to some of my Korean co-workers its gotten so bad in the country that they have had to figure out new ways of giving placement test. Everyone has been finding ways to cheat because they don't want their kids to be left behind. Again, it's not like parents in the U.S. don't cheat for their kids sometimes but it is really rampant here. I think that maybe people in the U.S. are more willing to acknowledge that some people are just dumb-ass's and it's better to know who these people are.
I hope my kids are able to do something fun over the upcoming holiday and I hope that fun does not include a crystal screen, batteries and both their thumbs.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Super Duper Tuesday
I just finished watching the Superbowl and I was reminded of how much stuff I am going to miss in this next year. I think it's an exciting time to be living in the U.S. and not because you just had a kick ass Superbowl game. By poor brother must be so upset right now because his precious Patriots lost...
Anyways, with the upcoming "super-tuesday" I find myself wishing I could be around my friends talking politics. I was listening to NPR today and this man was hosting a forum at a predominately black college in Baltimore. I guess the previous day he had hosted a forum at an all womens college discussing the topic of Hilary Clinton and what a nomination would mean to women across the country. Today he was talking about what a African-American nomination would mean to Blacks across the country. It was an interesting discussion of which I want to discuss some topics that were discussed but I have to say the funniest thing about the forum was that the host, who was a white guy had so much trouble pronouncing the names of the people in the audience and calling in talk and ask questions of the panel. It was the funniest damn thing I've heard in a while. He would be like, "Next we have...Shhh....Shaw...Shaw-knee-Ca?" "Did I pronounce your name correctly?" I swear, every other person he called on or took phone calls from you could tell he was sweating having to pronounce their names.
Speaking of predominately Black colleges someone here had asked me why there are "Black Colleges" in the United States. I told him that you don't have to be black in order to get in to these colleges but historically most of these colleges were the only places that Black were allowed to get an education. I also brought up the fact that although we don't have "White Colleges" in American we have "White Colleges" in America. We have lots and lots of white colleges in America, I went to one. Colorado College had exactly 34 black men and women (including myself) when I attended its halls of higher learning in 1994. It was small and it was private and there are hundred of colleges just like it spread across the nation. Sometimes I think that people are quick to criticize groups and institutions without taking into account reality and swallowing a healthy dose of historical context.
I've told the story before about this white dude from Minnesota during my undergraduate years. It was obvious that he had not been exposed to different ways of thinking or people who even looked different but we struck up a cordial relationship with each other. One day he asked me "Why do Black people need their own television station?" He was talking about BET of course. He truly seemed upset by the notion that Black people would have their own channel. It was as if he felt personally attacked by this fact. He told me that white people didn't have their own channel so why should Blacks. I quickly corrected him and told him that the majority of television and media for that matter is directed at white culture. Can you guess what he said next? This motherfucker brought up "The Cosby Show and Martin". This made me laugh at the time and still gets a chuckle from me as I'm typing this. A few shows that have mostly non white Casts does not make a network diverse or even culturally sensitive. I told him that the existence of BET does not in any way threaten him and instead of reacting in fear and anger maybe he should watch a couple shows and he will see that Black people do bad TV just as good as White people do.
I bring this up because there seems to be a growing concern about Barack Obama, so of which is insulting and some of which is valid. Personally I am concerned about his foreign policy and experience. The fact is that George Bush is leaving our country worse then he found it. We need to rebound quickly on the international front and I have not made up my mind who is the best person to do that. I never quite bought into the idea that race would not enter this political competition. Just as Hilary is carrying the cross for women Obama is doing so for Blacks. It's like the supernova of political history. What I find interesting is all the hype about Black women being split. Do you vote Obama because he is Black or do you vote for Hilary because she is a women. Personally I think you should vote for the person you think will have the most positive influence on our country and our status in the world. But the media is acting like Blacks in general and women don't care about issues. I think it's difficult for people to vote because you have two applicants for the job who are both qualified.
If the news wants to interview people I think they should be sticking the Mic in the faces of White men. Think about it, this is the first time that they don't have a candidate who looks like them. I'll admit it's a strange feeling for me to see that it is possible for someone who can relate somewhat to my experience's as a Black man in America could be the Democratic nominee. I would assume women might have this same feeling. For my generation I believe the issues come first and then if you have a tie it just might come down to who you relate to more. I'm not silly enough to believe otherwise, but the media acts like Puff Daddy could be running for President and the Black community would all get behind him just because he's black. But, this brings me back to my question? Where is the media when it comes to "The White Man" at least for Democrats and independents. I'm curious what white men, in particular older white democratic and independent men are going to do. I'm curious how they feel. I think back about my conversations with the guy in college who seemed so upset by BET and I wonder how he feels. After all, he was a self described liberal. It must be somewhat unnerving to see that times are changing right in front of you eyes. All this country has ever known is an old white dude in charge of the oval office. That has been our entire history. That's a pretty big deal folks. Now there is the very real possibility that a women or a minority might assume that very powerful position and all the media can think to do is interview women and the black community? What? They are dropping the ball on this one, I am interested to know how majority feels about this. I want your fathers and your grandfathers to be interviewed. I think that will shine light on possible future events.
Anyways, with the upcoming "super-tuesday" I find myself wishing I could be around my friends talking politics. I was listening to NPR today and this man was hosting a forum at a predominately black college in Baltimore. I guess the previous day he had hosted a forum at an all womens college discussing the topic of Hilary Clinton and what a nomination would mean to women across the country. Today he was talking about what a African-American nomination would mean to Blacks across the country. It was an interesting discussion of which I want to discuss some topics that were discussed but I have to say the funniest thing about the forum was that the host, who was a white guy had so much trouble pronouncing the names of the people in the audience and calling in talk and ask questions of the panel. It was the funniest damn thing I've heard in a while. He would be like, "Next we have...Shhh....Shaw...Shaw-knee-Ca?" "Did I pronounce your name correctly?" I swear, every other person he called on or took phone calls from you could tell he was sweating having to pronounce their names.
Speaking of predominately Black colleges someone here had asked me why there are "Black Colleges" in the United States. I told him that you don't have to be black in order to get in to these colleges but historically most of these colleges were the only places that Black were allowed to get an education. I also brought up the fact that although we don't have "White Colleges" in American we have "White Colleges" in America. We have lots and lots of white colleges in America, I went to one. Colorado College had exactly 34 black men and women (including myself) when I attended its halls of higher learning in 1994. It was small and it was private and there are hundred of colleges just like it spread across the nation. Sometimes I think that people are quick to criticize groups and institutions without taking into account reality and swallowing a healthy dose of historical context.
I've told the story before about this white dude from Minnesota during my undergraduate years. It was obvious that he had not been exposed to different ways of thinking or people who even looked different but we struck up a cordial relationship with each other. One day he asked me "Why do Black people need their own television station?" He was talking about BET of course. He truly seemed upset by the notion that Black people would have their own channel. It was as if he felt personally attacked by this fact. He told me that white people didn't have their own channel so why should Blacks. I quickly corrected him and told him that the majority of television and media for that matter is directed at white culture. Can you guess what he said next? This motherfucker brought up "The Cosby Show and Martin". This made me laugh at the time and still gets a chuckle from me as I'm typing this. A few shows that have mostly non white Casts does not make a network diverse or even culturally sensitive. I told him that the existence of BET does not in any way threaten him and instead of reacting in fear and anger maybe he should watch a couple shows and he will see that Black people do bad TV just as good as White people do.
I bring this up because there seems to be a growing concern about Barack Obama, so of which is insulting and some of which is valid. Personally I am concerned about his foreign policy and experience. The fact is that George Bush is leaving our country worse then he found it. We need to rebound quickly on the international front and I have not made up my mind who is the best person to do that. I never quite bought into the idea that race would not enter this political competition. Just as Hilary is carrying the cross for women Obama is doing so for Blacks. It's like the supernova of political history. What I find interesting is all the hype about Black women being split. Do you vote Obama because he is Black or do you vote for Hilary because she is a women. Personally I think you should vote for the person you think will have the most positive influence on our country and our status in the world. But the media is acting like Blacks in general and women don't care about issues. I think it's difficult for people to vote because you have two applicants for the job who are both qualified.
If the news wants to interview people I think they should be sticking the Mic in the faces of White men. Think about it, this is the first time that they don't have a candidate who looks like them. I'll admit it's a strange feeling for me to see that it is possible for someone who can relate somewhat to my experience's as a Black man in America could be the Democratic nominee. I would assume women might have this same feeling. For my generation I believe the issues come first and then if you have a tie it just might come down to who you relate to more. I'm not silly enough to believe otherwise, but the media acts like Puff Daddy could be running for President and the Black community would all get behind him just because he's black. But, this brings me back to my question? Where is the media when it comes to "The White Man" at least for Democrats and independents. I'm curious what white men, in particular older white democratic and independent men are going to do. I'm curious how they feel. I think back about my conversations with the guy in college who seemed so upset by BET and I wonder how he feels. After all, he was a self described liberal. It must be somewhat unnerving to see that times are changing right in front of you eyes. All this country has ever known is an old white dude in charge of the oval office. That has been our entire history. That's a pretty big deal folks. Now there is the very real possibility that a women or a minority might assume that very powerful position and all the media can think to do is interview women and the black community? What? They are dropping the ball on this one, I am interested to know how majority feels about this. I want your fathers and your grandfathers to be interviewed. I think that will shine light on possible future events.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Working the job
Working in South Korea is learning experience. There is no such thing as job security over here. You get the feeling that you could get the boot at any moment for any reason. I've been speaking with a lot of Korean teachers here and they have told me some horror stories. One teacher told me not to grow any loyalties towards any job I work in Korea. She said "they will slit your throat without thinking twice". Now that is a hell of a statement. I have to say from what I've seen and heard it sounds true. People who have worked years for companies don't have their contracts renewed just because the employer doesn't want to pay them any more.
This is not to pretend that the U.S. is some great place to work where jobs are secure but I feel way more vulnerable away from home. Not just because I don't speak the language but because I don't know the laws and it seems like laws don't really come into play much over here where jobs are concerned. Danielle believes this is because you have so many people looking for work here. There are 50 people ready to take another persons place. This means that contracts don't mean shit over here. I was raised to finish what I started in regards to work and it was odd to hear from people who are from Korea telling me not to develop loyalties. It's sad but at this point I would have to agree with them. You have to just take care of yourself over here. Lucky for me so far I have not had any problems with management but I feel like I should have a backup just in case anything goes down.
Since I have my Masters I can apply for a job at a University here. University jobs teaching English is where it's at in this country. You get 4-5 months vacation and classes are small. The pay isn't great but you get paid so much money for over time AND you can teach other gigs outside of your University gig. It is "illegal" to teach English to other people outside of your regular job normally. They write it in the contract and you can lose your job if people find out. Although this doesn't stop most people from doing it anyways.
Before I left the U.S. I worked a job for a non profit in Portland. The job started out great but it ended on a low note. The pay was moderate but that's not why the job ended up sucking. It was the way they started treating the employee's. The "higher ups" started to have some serious power-trips and got rid of some people they shouldn't have. Again, I was treated pretty well while I worked there but the way they treated some of my co-workers was bad and thinking about it now, they probably walked the tight-rope on what was legal. The good thing about working a job like that was I realized I never want to work for a non-profit like that again. I wouldn't mind working with a good core of younger people who were starting a non profit concentrating on low income youths but I think I'm done with non-profits like the one I worked for in Portland.
So I still walk the earth like Cain in Kung-Fu looking for my purpose. I'm not sure it lies with teaching either. I don't mind it but I can't say I love it either. I wish going to school was a profession. I actually enjoy studying...as long as it's stuff I'm interested in. But, as I've already discussed I will not go back to school unless I can go for free. It just cost too much money. Guess I have to live in Europe for that.
Again, I'm not sure how long I will be here. No longer then 2 years unless I become President of the country. But if that happened, the country would shut down because when I walk into a room people can't do anything else but look at me.
I'm hoping this job and this work points me towards other opportunities that will give me more of the tingle I'm searching for in my work. I want to work a job that gives me cell vibrations. A job that lets me know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. People should not settle for the job they take. That is easier said then done but that doesn't make it any less true.
I'm still trying to live a life that is more true to myself. This means that I may lose some people along the way but sometimes you have to lose people to find yourself. Feel free to put that in a fortune cookie if you want. I am no longer willing to swallow certain things in my old age. I can not remain silent on certain issues and I'm ready to stand up for what I know to be right. I'm also ready to take the consequences of my actions. This means that even though it is legal for teachers to hit students in this country if it was ever to happen in front of me I would put an end to it quickly. This would probably result in me losing my job but some jobs are not worth selling out your beliefs.
Korea is still a pretty amazing place to live in but the dust is starting to settle.
C
This is not to pretend that the U.S. is some great place to work where jobs are secure but I feel way more vulnerable away from home. Not just because I don't speak the language but because I don't know the laws and it seems like laws don't really come into play much over here where jobs are concerned. Danielle believes this is because you have so many people looking for work here. There are 50 people ready to take another persons place. This means that contracts don't mean shit over here. I was raised to finish what I started in regards to work and it was odd to hear from people who are from Korea telling me not to develop loyalties. It's sad but at this point I would have to agree with them. You have to just take care of yourself over here. Lucky for me so far I have not had any problems with management but I feel like I should have a backup just in case anything goes down.
Since I have my Masters I can apply for a job at a University here. University jobs teaching English is where it's at in this country. You get 4-5 months vacation and classes are small. The pay isn't great but you get paid so much money for over time AND you can teach other gigs outside of your University gig. It is "illegal" to teach English to other people outside of your regular job normally. They write it in the contract and you can lose your job if people find out. Although this doesn't stop most people from doing it anyways.
Before I left the U.S. I worked a job for a non profit in Portland. The job started out great but it ended on a low note. The pay was moderate but that's not why the job ended up sucking. It was the way they started treating the employee's. The "higher ups" started to have some serious power-trips and got rid of some people they shouldn't have. Again, I was treated pretty well while I worked there but the way they treated some of my co-workers was bad and thinking about it now, they probably walked the tight-rope on what was legal. The good thing about working a job like that was I realized I never want to work for a non-profit like that again. I wouldn't mind working with a good core of younger people who were starting a non profit concentrating on low income youths but I think I'm done with non-profits like the one I worked for in Portland.
So I still walk the earth like Cain in Kung-Fu looking for my purpose. I'm not sure it lies with teaching either. I don't mind it but I can't say I love it either. I wish going to school was a profession. I actually enjoy studying...as long as it's stuff I'm interested in. But, as I've already discussed I will not go back to school unless I can go for free. It just cost too much money. Guess I have to live in Europe for that.
Again, I'm not sure how long I will be here. No longer then 2 years unless I become President of the country. But if that happened, the country would shut down because when I walk into a room people can't do anything else but look at me.
I'm hoping this job and this work points me towards other opportunities that will give me more of the tingle I'm searching for in my work. I want to work a job that gives me cell vibrations. A job that lets me know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. People should not settle for the job they take. That is easier said then done but that doesn't make it any less true.
I'm still trying to live a life that is more true to myself. This means that I may lose some people along the way but sometimes you have to lose people to find yourself. Feel free to put that in a fortune cookie if you want. I am no longer willing to swallow certain things in my old age. I can not remain silent on certain issues and I'm ready to stand up for what I know to be right. I'm also ready to take the consequences of my actions. This means that even though it is legal for teachers to hit students in this country if it was ever to happen in front of me I would put an end to it quickly. This would probably result in me losing my job but some jobs are not worth selling out your beliefs.
Korea is still a pretty amazing place to live in but the dust is starting to settle.
C
Monday, January 28, 2008
Reality Check
I owe a shit load of money! I'm in debt up to my eyeballs! Credit Cards? Nope! Car Payments? Naw! House Payments....Child Support? No and No! The only debt I have, the only tab that's running my life right now is.......STUDENT LOAN DEBT!!! As far as I'm concerned, student debt is a four letter word.
I went to undergraduate school in 1994. My school then cost around $33,000 a year. To get a degree from Colorado College in 1998 cost a person over $120,000. Lucky for me, I had a scholarship and owe under $30,000. We all make choices. We make very important choices when we are young and wrinkle-less. I turned down a full scholarship to Michigan State University after graduating from East Lansing High School and headed to Colorado. In the end I think this was a very wise choice. I had to leave home and I was not about to go to school down the street from my house.
About 4 years ago I got the bright idea to return to school. I got my Masters in Conflict Resolution from Portland State University in June of 2007 and now I owe another $50,000. When you add in my recent consolidation one thing is painfully clear...."I'm fucked!"
I'm feeling a little bitter right now because I didn't run up some outrageous credit card bill buying a bunch of crap I didn't really need. I didn't buy a house I knew I couldn't afford. I didn't buy a flashy car that was out of my price range. I don't have tons of kids running around that I have to pay for. All I did was go to college...twice! I'll tell you a secret...I want to go back and get my PhD in something. I'm not sure what yet, but I can't seriously consider such a move until I get my shit in order.
The educational system is fucked up. We drop around $220,000 a minute for the Iraq War or whatever it's being called these days. $220,000 a minute!!!! We find so much money for war but not much for educational purposes. To be honest, I'm speaking from a totally selfish position. I don't think "learning" and improving yourself should costs so much money. I don't think getting an education should me you put yourself behind the 8 ball. So now I think to myself...."Self, how many freaking 8-balls can one person be behind?" I don't know the answer to that question but I know I have at least three in front of my ass.
If you're a teacher you can get some of your loans paid off. But if you work in the non-profit sector what is there for you? I'm asking? If anyone knows please hit a handsome Black man up. I feel like if I don't win the lottery when I get back to the states or find a gold mine here in Korea I'm going to be paying for my education until the day dirt gets shovel onto my grave. Scratch that, I won't have dirt shoveled onto my grave. Until the day my ashes are picked up by the wind and blown into space and time. (I don't want to be buried. Don't want to be pumped full of things to prevent my body from decaying rapidly. I just want to be reduced to the elements and set free)
Anyways, I think this feeling of helplessness is worse because I'm overseas at the moment. I don't feel like I have a hold of my own finances and that's a shitty feeling. I know some of you can relate to what I'm saying about school debt. I don't like debt and I don't want anyone else to tell me it's the good kind of debt. As far as I'm concerned there is no good kind of debt, it's a four letter word. And at this moment I just realized debt really is a four letter word. Shit. It's time for me to turn up the flame that fuels my mind and come up with some magic. I do not like this feeling debt gives me. It's like a gigantic elephant (because elephants are usually small...what the fuck Chris?) is sitting on my chest and slapping me about with its trunk. Then as if that's not bad enough, every month this elephant picks me up, turns me on my head, and shakes me quite violently until all the money falls out of my pockets. After collecting said money this gray beast stomps off laughing and says "I'll see you next month punk!" Yes, my gigantic elephant can talk!
This is not the kind of stuff I want to think about while I'm in South Korea. I don't want my experiences here to be tainted by this feeling but it's difficult for it not to. I want to live in this moment and not have my educational choices rear their heads. But I know we can never escape the choices we make in life. I don't regret going to school because it has made me the person sitting before you typing this very odd blog. I have met some great people in my educational life and I can honestly say my educational background has changed my life for the better. It has put me nearer my life's path. But DAMN....I really wish it didn't cost so much money!
Peace and Love.
C
I went to undergraduate school in 1994. My school then cost around $33,000 a year. To get a degree from Colorado College in 1998 cost a person over $120,000. Lucky for me, I had a scholarship and owe under $30,000. We all make choices. We make very important choices when we are young and wrinkle-less. I turned down a full scholarship to Michigan State University after graduating from East Lansing High School and headed to Colorado. In the end I think this was a very wise choice. I had to leave home and I was not about to go to school down the street from my house.
About 4 years ago I got the bright idea to return to school. I got my Masters in Conflict Resolution from Portland State University in June of 2007 and now I owe another $50,000. When you add in my recent consolidation one thing is painfully clear...."I'm fucked!"
I'm feeling a little bitter right now because I didn't run up some outrageous credit card bill buying a bunch of crap I didn't really need. I didn't buy a house I knew I couldn't afford. I didn't buy a flashy car that was out of my price range. I don't have tons of kids running around that I have to pay for. All I did was go to college...twice! I'll tell you a secret...I want to go back and get my PhD in something. I'm not sure what yet, but I can't seriously consider such a move until I get my shit in order.
The educational system is fucked up. We drop around $220,000 a minute for the Iraq War or whatever it's being called these days. $220,000 a minute!!!! We find so much money for war but not much for educational purposes. To be honest, I'm speaking from a totally selfish position. I don't think "learning" and improving yourself should costs so much money. I don't think getting an education should me you put yourself behind the 8 ball. So now I think to myself...."Self, how many freaking 8-balls can one person be behind?" I don't know the answer to that question but I know I have at least three in front of my ass.
If you're a teacher you can get some of your loans paid off. But if you work in the non-profit sector what is there for you? I'm asking? If anyone knows please hit a handsome Black man up. I feel like if I don't win the lottery when I get back to the states or find a gold mine here in Korea I'm going to be paying for my education until the day dirt gets shovel onto my grave. Scratch that, I won't have dirt shoveled onto my grave. Until the day my ashes are picked up by the wind and blown into space and time. (I don't want to be buried. Don't want to be pumped full of things to prevent my body from decaying rapidly. I just want to be reduced to the elements and set free)
Anyways, I think this feeling of helplessness is worse because I'm overseas at the moment. I don't feel like I have a hold of my own finances and that's a shitty feeling. I know some of you can relate to what I'm saying about school debt. I don't like debt and I don't want anyone else to tell me it's the good kind of debt. As far as I'm concerned there is no good kind of debt, it's a four letter word. And at this moment I just realized debt really is a four letter word. Shit. It's time for me to turn up the flame that fuels my mind and come up with some magic. I do not like this feeling debt gives me. It's like a gigantic elephant (because elephants are usually small...what the fuck Chris?) is sitting on my chest and slapping me about with its trunk. Then as if that's not bad enough, every month this elephant picks me up, turns me on my head, and shakes me quite violently until all the money falls out of my pockets. After collecting said money this gray beast stomps off laughing and says "I'll see you next month punk!" Yes, my gigantic elephant can talk!
This is not the kind of stuff I want to think about while I'm in South Korea. I don't want my experiences here to be tainted by this feeling but it's difficult for it not to. I want to live in this moment and not have my educational choices rear their heads. But I know we can never escape the choices we make in life. I don't regret going to school because it has made me the person sitting before you typing this very odd blog. I have met some great people in my educational life and I can honestly say my educational background has changed my life for the better. It has put me nearer my life's path. But DAMN....I really wish it didn't cost so much money!
Peace and Love.
C
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