An Open Letter to Al D.

Dear Alex,

Last night I had an intense dream about you and Anya, therefore I feel it is my duty to write you this open letter. This morning when I woke up I knew two things for sure. First, I now know what kind of tattoo's I'm going to get (I've wanted a tattoo since I was in the second grade and a guest speaker had one on his arm). That's kind of a strange statement and deserves further explanation which I will give shortly. The second thing I realized this morning was that you and Anya should get married. Before I go into details about that let me explain the whole tattoo comment.

I like tattoos and I've wanted one for over two decades now but I could never think of anything that I wanted carved into my flesh...until now. Nothing ever spoke to me so my skin has remained unbroken, but last night my dream pointed me in the right direction and I woke up with a smile on my face. Alex, last night I had a dream that I was sitting in the crowd at your wedding (why wasn't I a groomsmen?). It was a surprisingly large ceremony and even though I didn't look around I knew it was full of people I knew. Here's where it gets a little strange, I was sitting next to a woman who I assumed I went to the wedding with but I could not turn my head to look at her. The only thing I could do was look up at you and Anya saying your vows (which I could not hear) and I could also look down at my hands. It was while looking down at my hands that I noticed two tattoos on the bottoms of my left and right wrists. On the left wrist was a detailed tattoo of the Moon and on my right wrist was a flickering Sun. After concentrating on my wrists for a while the audience started to clap and I looked up and saw that you and Anya were kissing to loud cheers. I still couldn't look at the woman next to me but she grabbed my hand and I was able to look at her hand. I noticed she had something on her wrists and right as I was about to take a look them I woke up.

Now, being that you're Alex I know you don't really care about the part of my dream that concerns me so I won't keep talking about my tattoos I'm going to get when I come back to Portland for my farewell tour. But I will say this last thing, I also know that Anya, being the wonderful artist she is, is supposed to design my tattoos for me so please let her know (never mind, I'll tell her myself).

Okay, the rest of this blog will be dedicated to you Al. First things first buddy...you're an asshole! I love you like a friend who I'm only friends with because I've known him since the second grade so I'm able to call you an asshole. You were on my mind yesterday when I went to the children's home to set up the whole gift giving for their Christmas morning. As I was talking to some of the staff and saying hello to some of the kids I started thinking about you for some reason. This probably led me to have a dream about you last night actually. I was hanging out and I started wondering why I pretend to be such a Grinch when I know I'm not. Then I started thinking about real life Grinch's that I know and your name kept popping up.

This has nothing to do with the fact that you've destroyed my car which I entrusted you with before I left for Korea. It has nothing to do with the fact you are going to charge me for lodging my car at your place. It also has nothing to do with the fact you will only let me stay with you and Anya for one week when I get back in May. It does have a little bit to do with your refusal to take the clothes I left in my car trunk out for the winter and wash them for me. It may have a lot to do with the fact that Toby, yes Toby, is the person who is going to buy a new battery for my car because you refused to take the five minutes to start it up every so often and the old battery died. It may have a lot to do with the fact that you think it's funny my car "mysteriously" has a flat tire. It may have something to do with the fact that I know, even though you promised to pick me up at the airport in May, something will "come up" and I'll be left to take a taxi to your house. It absolutely has to do with the fact that you went all the way to Italy one year and brought me back a can of "Axis Body Spray...African Scent." I'm use to you mocking my heritage but you gave me a gift from a foreign country that I could have bought at the local drug store. You still think that's funny...it's not...you're an asshole!

What does all this have to do with my dream? Nothing really, I just think it's important for you to hear these things sometimes. Now you and Anya have been dating for a long time my friend. You love her. You've actually learned to love someone besides yourself. For some reason she loves you too. She doesn't just love you though, she likes you. I don't understand it, Toby doesn't understand it, none of us do, but it's the truth. She loves you. Sometimes, when I'm hanging out at your house and you go to the bathroom I quickly turn to Anya and ask her what you have over her that she's stayed with you this long but she always says nothing. I was sure you were blackmailing her but it turns out I was wrong. The only time I really truly like you is when you are directly next to Anya. She actually makes you a likable person. I can't believe I'm about to write this but you two work well together. It just seems right. I love Anya and I'm nervous that she's not going to be around when I get back in town. I mean, come on man. She's smart. She's funny. She's an amazing artist. She's beautiful. She's in tune with her emotions. And for some reason she's been by your side for all this time. She has all these things going for her and yet she's with you Al....she's with you.

Now lets look at you. You're not a good looking man. You're balding. You are not funny...at all. You have no soul. You have no fashion sense what so ever. Where as I am getting better looking the older I get, you just seem to be getting larger...have you seen your hands? They look like Italian sausages for Christ Sake! I'll admit it Al, in your younger days that Italian/German blood flowing through your body made you look like a young Frank Sinatra. But now....well now you look more like an old Jerry Lewis.

I don't want to come off like you don't have any positive attributes though. You play the violin like an angel. It is truly a beautiful thing to witness. I know I'm going to regret saying this but you are also very intelligent. So there it is...you're a smart violin player. Don't say I never gave you any compliments.

Some people reading this might think I'm being mean to someone I call a friend. These people have obviously never met you. I'm writing this to you because I care about you Alex. Do you wanna end up like me and Toby? I think not. Sure I'm handsome, smart, creative, funny, physically superior and humble. Sure Toby is...is...a certified clown, but we are both broken men. We are both broken, alone and old my friend. Toby self medicates and I keep growing beards. It's ugly Alex, it's ugly.

But you, you have the chance at living a beautiful life. It's too late for me and Toby, but not for you. The new year approaches Alex. Grab hold of it. Grab hold of that love you have in your life....and remember, if you guys get married this summer, I can take care of your house while you go on your honeymoon. I will do that for you guys, it will be my wedding gift to you. I'll take care of your place for free. I hope this letter finds you and Anya in good health. I love both of you but I love her more. Please, have my car in working order by the time I get home. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my friend.

Love,

Chris