I don't have ball cancer...yet.

Now, in Korea, when you extend your teaching contract you have to get a "medical check-up." To be honest I thought the check up would be a joke but these folks were pretty damn extreme with their checks and their up. I was poked, drained, X-rayed and inspected all over. This check up was a little over a week ago but they just got my results in and I'm officially allowed to stay in this country now. Besides a little lung infection it's nice to know that I don't have any viruses, diseases or infections. But being the paranoid fellow that I am when ever I have to get an HIV test, STD tests, etc I take that horrible trip down memory lane. These tests really force one to revisit their sexual past and I think everyone has at least one suspect person from their sexual pasts. That person that makes you tilt your head to the side and ask yourself "Hmmm, what the fuck was I thinking."

The Korean nurse who took my blood spoke okay English and when I asked her what all they were testing for she told me HIV and other sexual diseases. She didn't say sexually transmitted she actually said "sexual" which made me chuckle a little bit. After taking my blood and urine I had to drop my pants and they busted out what I think was a black light of some sort. They wiped my lower half with a kinda liquid gel substance and basically scanned by plums and sausage. They took a little too long down there in my opinion but they came up and gave me the thumbs up. I assumed that meant I had nothing down there that should not have been down there. After the violation, I had my eyes checked, my lung x-rayed and my inner ears looked at. But it was the blood that was on my mind. Did I have some deadly virus swimming through my veins? Did I have some non-deadly infection or disease as a result of my own carelessness? Well the answer to those questions is "No" and "No." I was pretty sure I was in the safe zone, but you never really no these days.

It feels good to get the clean bill of health but my own paranoia wont' really let me rest peacefully. I have this buddy Arick Brown. We've been friends since birth and he grew up to be a scientist. He tried to explain to me what he does exactly but I don't speak nerd and it went right over my head. What I was able to gather was that he messes around with human genes and has something to do with cure research and what not. He's probably one of the smartest guys I know and one of the best looking geeks on the planet. It really isn't fair that one would be that good looking and that smart all at the same time. To top it off he married another really good looking, smart scientist. She also happens to be cool as hell. Maybe he's fat now? Brownie, I know you read my blogs, are you fat now? Let me know. Anyways, it was Arick who told me something that still haunts my mind. He was visiting Portland with his then "friend" and now wife. He was telling some of us about his job and then he busted out this Gem. This asshole said (and I swear to God he looked dead at me when he said it) "you know guys, if you live long enough you will end up getting cancer, and not the good kind." What the fuck Brownie?! You can't tell someone like me something like that.

I think I spent the rest of that summer telling everyone that I believed I had ball cancer. Mind you, ball cancer would suck and it's a serious issue to have but I think ball cancer would be doubly bad for me. Why? Well, all my male friends are assholes and if any of us lost a testicle to cancer or an accident the nicknames that person would have to endure would last for the rest of that persons life. My name would no longer be Chris it would be something like "Uno."

Again, I'm getting off track. So I got my official contract at the end of last week which means everything checked out. But I wonder how they handle the foreigner that everything does not come back peaches for. I've heard that if you have HIV or pretty much any sexually transmitted disease you are not allowed to extend your contract. I don't think the Koreans have the whole privacy thing down yet. I have not seen one advertisement or literature dealing with sexually transmitted diseases since I've been in this country. Which I think is going to bite them in the ass because these younger kids are not like the old generation. I work with middle school and high school aged kids at my work and they are breaking tradition left and right with each other. For the sake of the youth I hope someone in this country decides it might be a good idea to at least discuss making informed sexual choices. That's the kicker about sexually transmitted diseases, with a little bit of extra attention and thought they are pretty damn preventable. I wonder if the rate of STD's would drop if all the alcohol on the planet disappeared?

I have a confession. This blog was suppossed to be about the treatment people with ethnic ties to the Middle Eastern regions of the world are getting in the United States. It somehow blossomed into a sex ed. blog? I dont' know how that happened but it seems a little strange to transition into my original plans now so I think I'll go for a jog now.

To all of you who are sexually active at this moment (bastards!) be safe and be smart. Remember, there is nothing sexier than knowing your partners past. You don't want someone elses sexual past to fuck up your sexual future.