Cyber Friendship

I've been lucky enough to speak with and e-chat with a bunch of my friends lately. It's good to hear about what's going on in their lives. People are getting married. People are having children. People are moving and starting new jobs. My group of friends are all over the board. Facebook is a good tool to receive a snap shot of what's going on in someones life but it does not give you the full picture. It allows you to send your little paragraph or two commenting on some new post or some new picture you were notified of. How fucking sterile is that? Don't get me wrong, I think it has it's advantages but there is something so fucking impersonal about it but then I guess that's the point. Facebook is safe. You can change your mood, you can change your pictures, you can present this image of yourself that is true or untrue, it doesn't really matter. It's fucking facebook. You can have a few "friends" or 100's of friends. I've been thinking a lot about facebook ever since I changed my relationship status. It was so strange to change my fucking facebook relationship status. I did it quick to. It hurt when I hit that delete button, but I also found the whole situation to be absurd. I didn't' erase my feelings. I didn't erase my past. I'm not going to get rid of my facebook account even though I got rid of my myspace account a few months ago. I can't have two of these cyber-leeches in my life.

We look at these facebook sites and we think we know what people are up to but we really don't. You look at their photo's and their albums and you see smiling faces or crazy drunken photo's but that really doesn't tell us shit. I've seen some of the greatest smiles on some of the saddest folks I've ever known.

When I changed my relationship status to single I wish their would have been a area to write in this really fucking sucks! I'm sad and I'm losing one of my best friends. Words can not express how difficult it is to hit this delete button. But what do you get? A fucking heart that's split in half and reads "Chris's relationship status has changed." There should be a split heart with a pile of poop next to it. It should read "Chris's relationship status changed and he feels like shit now." The funny thing is is that all the people who ended up writing me to check up on me are the people who would have done so anyways because they have access to my blog address. Even though this blog is public I've only given the address out to people who are a "real" part of my life and not just the facebook part. I'm sound like I'm illing on facebook and I'm not trying to. I actually just logged off of the damn thing and there's this new feature that shows me what people who are not even my friends but are my friends friends are doing or have posted! What the fuck is that about? I could care less what my friends friends are doing but it pops up on my shit anyways...regardless if I want it. There's something kind of creepy about that.

Again, I enjoy seeing pictures of my friends kids and their vacation photos but their is something wrong about the access facebook gives you. It gives the illusion that people are friends when they really are not. "Hey, I found your name on facebook! I know I have not talked to you in years, but how the hell are you?" I think men more then women tend to use facebook in a predatory fashion. I've seen it happen and I've heard from more than a couple female friends who have told me stories. Just heard from my friend since kindergarten who is "married" that's right, married! One of her friends from college was macking on her through facebook.

I don't' know. Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm really missing being able to talk to someone who knows me so well. That's one of the best things about a long term relationship, if you're lucky, the other person has been paying some kind of attention to you and can give good advice when needed or is just an ear that you trust to listen. Or maybe I just miss her. No need to put a bunch of well placed words around that fact. Now I'm fucking stuck with friends like Alex! God help me, Alex? He has the attention span and patience of quick drying glue!

I miss letters. I miss writing letter with pen and paper. That takes commitment and dedication. Then you have to mail the letter, it shows you really care. I think I'm going to bring the art of the hand written letter back. "I'm bringing letters back!" Do you remember that feeling you get when you receive a hand written letter from someone. I'm not talking about cards although those are nice too. When someone writes something nice on a card it makes you feel warm inside but receiving a nice hand written letter for no particular reason at all is the best. Facebook is the opposite of a hand written letter. Facebook is the reality show of communications. It's fast, cheap, easy and unattached. That might just be why it's so damn popular.

I guess ever since I found out someone else has my name and my social security number I've been reflecting on who I am and what kind of person I want to be. I want to be the guy who still writes letters to people. Don't think the irony of me writing all of this on "my blog" is lost on me because it's not. But I'd like to think that this blog is a little bit more personal. If you're reading this blog then you probably know me well enough to know that I don't like bullshit and I do not bullshit on my blog. I save that for my facebook postings.

Where am I? Who am I?

How many people could possibly have the unique name Chris Williams? A lot, a lot, a lot! How many people should have my same social security number? The answer to that question should be one...me. But it turns out not so much. My social security number has been making the rounds in the states and along with it my I.D. Apparently, I've been up to some illegal shit in the US since I've been living in Korea. What the fuck man? The reason why this is funny to me and yes it makes me laugh is because I have never used my powers for evil. When it comes to breaking the law and shit like that I'm the most boring person on the planet, besides a few little high school indiscretions I have not done shit to pop up on the mans radar, yet here I sit, blipping the fuck away. From what I gathered by the very pleasant state police worker who I think believed that I was the real Chris Williams with my particular social security number is that this other Chris Williams is a real fuck face! Seriously, I don't think she was supposed to tell me this shit but apparently I owe a lot of money in child support and have a restraining order against me.

Feel free to laugh, I am. It's funny. No, dead beat biological dads are not funny and neither is what I'm assuming is abuse. But this whole situation is very funny. It would be funnier if this was happening to one of my other friends. But what's not funny is that getting this cleared up may require my ass to fly home which means I would not come back. But my criminal report and my social security number did not match up. My fingerprints and my social security number did not match up. So I have a question....where the fuck am I? Where have I gone and when did you last see me? At first I was really pissed off because I know the amount of work this is going to take to clear up is going to be great. Shit like this is never easy. Never. I had a suspicious feeling something was up after two of my credit cards that have had a zero balance on them for about 10 months now mysterious closed on me. I think I had another warning when a package I ordered to a friends P.O. Box mysterious got delivered to another address because they sent it to Billing instead of Delivery.

Now I get to make daily phone calls to Oregon and my bank until the matter is cleared up. Chris Williams? That has to be one of the most boring ass names around. I should have been named Atticus. I've always liked the name Atticus. I bet there would not be so much confusion if my name was Atticus.

Either way, what's done is done and I can't really do any more then I'm doing. I hope I can meet my deadline and get this all cleared up by next month because if it is not, Korea is going to be sending my ass back to the states in which case I would lose around ten thousand bucks in cash savings. Am I upset? A little bit, but I can still laugh and this has always been my measure of how bad things are in my life. I can still laugh and I can still make fun of myself. I've only not been able to laugh twice in my lifetime and having a little identity problem doesn't register on the "life isn't funny scale."

In my minds mind, this other Chris Williams is a middle aged, beer bellied white dude who rents a small house near freeway. He used to be a baseball star in high school and married early. He's balding just enough to feel the weight of time on his shoulders. He has three kids and two of them he's certain are his. He can't explain where the red hair on the third came from. He works a job that requires his muscles to ache at the end of every ten hour shift. He still loves his ex-wife but never learned how to show her. When he drinks whiskey he gets mean and has decided to stick to Miller and Bud..."fuck that trendy micro-beer shit!" "What the fuck is a Micro-brew anyways?" "That's what's wrong with this God-Damed country!" Chris makes just enough money at his job to be poor. He rubs his right knee and winces every night as he thinks about his youth. His old glove and bat hide in the closet waiting in vain to breath the cool air outside. He watches to much T.V. and he eats for shit! He can't sleep at night and sometimes, for no reason at all, he silently sobs. He thinks about going back to school and finishing up his degree but he has yet to run out of excuses not to. Chris knows in his heart that he can't continue to live his life like this. He no longer sees his kids and deep down he knows they are better off for it. When did he get old? When did he become such a bastard? Maybe he'll go to therapy...but what would the guys at work say? They would call him a pussy that's what they would do. But, he's getting tired of being a coward. He's tired of hiding from himself. There's a reason he doesn't look in the mirror very often. For the first time he writes one of his many self improvement ideas down on paper-research therapists. As he lifts his pencil from the pad a slight shiver runs through his entire body. He really is going to research a therapist. He really is going to make an appointment. Chris gets up off the couch and decides to use the computers at the library. He picks up his keys off the coffee table, puts his work boots on, and turns off the television. As he closes his door, he decides to walk instead of drive. Maybe tomorrow he'll call up the guys and get a soft-ball game going at the park. As Chris disappears down the hill a single tear rolls down the grain of his baseball bat.

vote here vote now!!!

I was not expecting to write a blog this soon but I just had to get this off my chest. I have not talked about the political atmosphere in a long time but I just have to comment on some things. I'm not even going to talk about the qualifications of Palin but I would like to discuss some of the comments circling around about the governor of Alaska. First of all, who really gives a fuck how many kids she has? I don't. But some have actually considered this and tried to make it stick. It's already been said but it bares repeating that this question would never be asked to a male running for office. Palin is married and what's wrong with the husband spending more time at home to keep a watchful eye on the children? Her young daughter is pregnant. Ok, shit happens. But when shit like this happens to a person who is a staunch supporter of "abstinence only" sex education the irony of the situation should not be lost on people. Does abstinence only education really work....well, the proof really is in the pudding. Is this Palin's fault? Nope. Young people are horny. At least, most young people are horny, and sex feels good. Most people like to have sex. This is just a fact of life and people need to stop pretending otherwise. So if we know that young people are going to be engaging in "the sex" why not educate them on how to do it responsibly and safely. Shit man, even with sex education mistakes still happen, it's a fact of life and covering your eyes will not change that fact.

Here's my problem with conservatives right now. There is this "do as we say, not as we do" attitude. I keep hearing people say that families should be off limits in politics and I mostly agree with this. But why should it be just families that are off limits. I think lies should be off limits. I think bullshit should be off limits but apparently this is completely acceptable in our politics. But give me a fucking break people. You have people like Rush fucking Limbaugh telling people to back off Palin and screaming sexism. Now, there is and there will continue to be sexist remarks made and they will play a role during the elections. There is and there will continue to be racial remarks make and they will continue to play a role during the elections. I ask you to honestly consider this scenario in reverse. Imagine that Barack and Michelle have five kids and their teenage daughter gets pregnant. Do you really think that the Rush Limbaughs and the news media would not make that a story? Do you not think that people would try to link those old stereotypes about the young, black, unwed mother to the stories that would be told about their daughter? People need to be real. Barack would have been crushed by all the media.

People keep talking about character and morality but it's all bullshit and the news is falling for the same old traps. People are questioning character and morals and skipping policies and disturbing events that look like abuses of power. Fucking 20% of people in America think Obama is or was a Muslim. They think he's lying when he says he is not. What the fuck? What is wrong with people and why is it Ok to hate on Muslims so publicly in our country. Did 9/11 make it socially acceptable to hate people from the Middle East? The answer is yes, yes, yes! If Barack had married Michelle after leaving his first wife for her it would be such a fucking scandal the the news would talk about it all the time. His character would be questioned constantly. If Barack had a history of telling sexist jokes he would be crushed. If he had a well documented anger problem he would not have made it this far.

This is really a season of double standards and I am scared shitless. This could be one of the most important decisions in my life time. I hope it does not boil down to guns, gays and abortion. I hope to God it goes deeper than that this year.

I do not understand how people are consistently voting against their own interests. I've been listening to the news lately and they said just today that "white people" have inches McCain above Obama in the polls. First of all, no shit dude. Like we couldn't see that one coming. But these people who are voting for McCain are voting against improving the quality of their life. They are voting against policies that will give them tax breaks and lower the cost of certain services they need. I'm talking about lower income white folks here. I actually thought that the only color that would really end up mattering in the end was the color of money but race is still a huge issue in our country. We are not nearly as far along as we would like to believe. Before Palin I think it was a lot easier for some people to use Barack's experience as their main deterrent to wanting to vote for him. But now they are sweating a little bit because they have to come up with other reasons that they think will not be looked down upon.

I say fuck that. Say it like you mean it people. I'll start. Being that I'm am not afraid of white people or women I can honestly say that McCains race plays no role in my feelings about him. Palins gender plays no role in my feelings about her. I would like to say that religion should not play a role but it does. That's why the whole Muslim thing is so powerful, but are the more liberal people any better. I'm including myself in this category by the way. I find myself concerned about Creationists in our country. I think to myself, if you really believe that the earth is not that old should you be making policy decisions or have influence on a domestic and global level? But, am I not then treating their crazy asses similarly to the way Muslims are being treated? I don't know. I struggle with this. But, if you try to ban books then you don't deserve to speak for anyone but yourself and maybe your family. Leave the rest of us the fuck alone. Don't try to tell me what I can and can not read. Don't try to limit the information that I can have access to. If you do that then you truly are a threat to the United States of America and all that we should stand for.

Some days I feel like the people of the world have a death wish. We are destroying the planet and attacking each other daily. Some days I feel like the United States is leading the way with this attitude. For the first time I feel like our votes in November will truly decide the future of our country for generations to come. That is not a decision that should be made because of race, gender, age, sexuality, or religion. I guess it comes down to what kind of world do people want to live in or more importantly what kind of world do people want their children and future children to live in.

Thanks and thanks again.

Wow guys, thanks for all of the nice words that I have received from so many of you in a matter of 24 hours. It really makes me feel good to know so many of you care. I'm planning on taking a little break from blogging this month but I wanted to write something because I truly was overwhelmed by the response to my last blog. I did not realize so many people read my ramblings and I appreciate the support from all of you.

I just wanted to write a short little message to those of you who seem a little worried about my current state. I'm fine guys. I got the impression that I may have creeped some of you out with how calm and collected my last blog came off. So just know that I am OK with all that has taken place. I am not repressing my emotions guys. I simply know that if someones heart is not into a relationship then that relationship should cease to exist. It sounds simple enough but it's a very difficult thing to come to terms with. The heart is one of the most important poccessions we humans have and should be treated with great respect and dignity.

Surprisingly, I have not heard from Toby or Alex and I don't really expect to because they are assholes and can't deal with anything involving real emotion. To the rest of you, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for your many kind words and wishes.

In the future, please don't wait until I'm a hollowed out shell of a man to check in with me and chat. I hope my sense of humor shows you that I really am ok. I hope all of you have a wonderful September and please keep sending me your stories and letting me know what you're up to.

No Words

I'm just going to cut right to it and let those who are keeping tabs on me know that Danielle and I broke up with each other. It was not an ugly break up and there was no barrage of mean and hurtful things thrown at each other. I would be lying if I said that I broke up with her but I would also be lying if I said it was not the right move for her to make. The reasons for our break are unimportant but I fully support her in her decision to walk down a new path on her own. For the first time in my life I can honesty say that I love someone enough to let them go. I have never been able to say that before and actually mean it. She's a wonderful woman and a beautiful soul and I'm am absolutely sure that she will find what she is looking for.

Don't be fooled by my words however. I may sound like I have it all together but I'm pretty fucked up. Feel free to send me cookies and other goodies to soothe my broken heart. You wanna know what the fucked up this was, I had to change my stupid relationship status on facebook. Fucking facebook is both a blessing and a curse. This means that now I'm going to have all my facebook friends sending me little "hang in" there messages for the next couple of days. Another reason that I know I loved her is that I did not delete her from my "friends list." In the past I would have but I could not bring myself to do it this time. I had to get rid of my online photos because that would be way too painful for me to have to look at but I think it would have hurt me more to cut her completely out like she never existed. Fucking facebook!

I hate the whole idea of breaking up with someone who I have spent so much time with. We ended up in South Korea together just to end up putting an end to a two and a half year relationship. They don't have words to describe the way I'm feeling right now so I'm just sitting here, typing listening to some instrumental sounds on my computer. Right now I feel like this is a Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind moment. My head is full of memories and it doesn't matter how many pictures I now have to tuck away in the dark corner of my suitcase. It doesn't matter if I never speak to her again because I already can tell she will always be inside of me. Would I want to remove her? Probably not. So I'll just sit with the pain for a while. I'll sit here listening to my music feeling sorry for myself and then I'll go to bed. I can't imagine my life without her right now but that's not some revelation when it comes to the break up.

The revelation is that I really don't want to imagine my life without her. All previous break ups didn't feel like this one. I think this one is going to sit deep inside of me for a long while. I'm to crushed and tired to cry but I have just enough energy to tap these keys and type my feelings out into the universe.

Here's to one of the best friends I've ever had. I have nothing but love, hope and smiles for you.

Remember, it took a little while for the Velveteen Rabbit to realize he was flesh and blood at the end of the story.

Theo?

Sometimes I go jogging twice a day. This Sunday is one of those days. I just got back from my second jog and it was one of the strangest 45 minutes I've had in a while. My first jog was this morning and quite uneventful. The jog I just got back from was far from uneventful. I started walking down my cobble street towards the open road. There are a large number of butterflies and dragon flies out today. The butterflies are big and beautiful. They look like miniature bats when they flap their wings from one flower to the next. I was watching one of these creatures when I stumbled onto the set of a commercial being filmed at my work place. They shoot music video, commercials and scenes from movies all the time at my place of business. The reason being that this entire place is built to look like a small town. The rumor is that one day the whole place will be sold to a Korean film studio. It basically already is a film studio with how much people come here to film.

Anyways, I stumbled onto what looks like a car commercial and the director looked pretty pissed off. Not at me but at the person who is supposed to stop people from wondering into the camera shot. They stopped shooting and I quickly kept walking towards the open road to begin my jog. As I continued down the hill I looked back and noticed that the Korean model or actress (I'm not sure which) was waving at me frantically with a big smile on her face. I thought this was odd because Koreans really don't smile when they look at me. I crossed outside of the guard gate that is the entrance of my place and I started a pleasant, slow paced jog. I was listening to my ipod noticing all the Koreans camped out on the sidewalks "picnicking. I am always amazed at the Koreans ability to picnic on a slab of cement. The expression on their faces gives the impression that they are sitting in a beautiful meadow watching the sun go down. But in reality they are squatting on cement covered by a piece of tarp drinking Soju and eating some kind of rice and cabbage dish.

As I continued my jog I noticed all the cars parked on the side of the street with older Korean gentlemen and much younger Korean girls snuggled up together. I forget that I live in "the country" and that is where you take your lover if you are married. You take them to the country and you rent a "love motel." which usually has all the free Korean porn one can handle.

This jog was proving to be highly entertaining. I needed something like this to take my mind off of things. As I made my way up the final hill back towards the guards station the sun actually did start to set and I slowed down to enjoy the sight.

I waved to the guards and ran into some co-workers. I made my way back towards my apartment and came across the same commercial that was wrapping up. The out of know where this tall, skinny Korean model/actress person came running up to me. She seemed very excited and her entourage had camera's ready in their hands. At first I thought they thought I was someone else. There is a tendancy in Korea to think all black people look a like. After some low level Korean and some more low level English I found that they did not think I was anyone in particular. Then why did this woman want to have her picture taken with me? I got this answer from one of her agent/handler/friend people who spoke some English. After they took a lot of freak'n pictures and I was made to pose (while sweating like a pig mind you) she gave me a big hug and her card which is in Korean so I can't read it. I asked her friend what the deal was and he told me that Yu-ri is "famous Korean actress." I think I've mentioned this before but everyone who gets on tv is considered famous in Korea. So I always take the whole famous thing with a huge boulder of salt.

Anyways, he told me that she loves black men from America . I guess she grew up watching MTV and her favorite she loves "the rap." It all started to make more sense the more this guy talked to me but then he said something that made me laugh out loud. I guess this girl's favorite actor is Malcom Jamal Warner (Theo from the Cosby Show) and she thought I looked like him. I'm not really sure why she gave me her card but I think it's funny that she'll probably show those pictures to people and the conversation (in Korean of course) will start something like this, "Doesn't this guy look exactly like Theo from the Cosby Show?"

Thanks

Oh Korea, you strange fucking country you. To get anything done here you have to jump through so many hoops it's not even funny. Hoop after fucking hoop. You can't talk directly to the person with the information, you have to talk to the three people below the person with the information who will give you the wrong information. I thought it might just be the place that I work at that has problems communicating and moving forward in a logical manner but I was wrong, it's pretty much the entire country. I have to renew my visa and the who process is proving to be difficult. They require that I go to the doctor's to get a physical, which I understand. They wanna know if I have anything bad so they can deport my ass out of the country if I do. The scary thing about that is I've had a cough and fluid in my chest for the past three weeks. My fear of Korean doctors has prevented me from going to the hospital before now but I'm going to have to go soon. I have tricked myself into thinking that if I'm not yet coughing up blood then I will get better on my own. Some people who I work with think I have TB because it's all over the place in this country. There's actually a pool going on here called the "What will Chris die from pool?" I laughed when I first heard about it but then I started talking to some people and found out it's real. At the moment it's a tie between bird flu and TB.

I don't mind having to go to the hospital for a check up to get my visa. But...I have to get a criminal background check from a state where I have lived in. Here's the dumb ass thing about the criminal background check. The last criminal background check I got was right before I left the country to live in South Korea. I got this check because the place that I now work required it. This obviously means that the new criminal background check they are asking for will be the old criminal background check because I've been living here since the last one. Confusing? Yeah. Stupid? For sure. I'm annoyed because this process is going to take forever and I've already run into complications. This has not been the best few week for me and I'm just not in the mood to deal with the whole cultural differences right now to get what I need done done.

Maybe I'll just let the visa run out and see what happens. What would that be like to be deported? Hmmmm? Maybe I'll fine out soon. The dollar has improved in value here which fucks me pretty hard. 1,000 won used to be worth about $1.10. Not any more. 1,000 won is now worth about .88 cents. I felt that hit on my last money transfer to my bank account.

There are so many things running through my head about the future. Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? How will I make my millions and live on a private island sipping fresh fruit drinks while playing cribbage and eating crab? I'm almost 50 for Christ Sake! It's right around the corner. And then when I start to feel really sorry for myself about the current status of my life I get a message from an old high school friend on facebook.

Sheeta and I have known each other since middle school but did not really become friends until high school. He instant messaged me and we chatted for a while. Sheeta used to be one wild wild man. Nights out with him usually ended with destruction of property in some fashion but he always had a pretty good heart. He told me that he has three children and works for the ministry. I instantly had flashbacks of him smoking a cigar holding a 40 ounce while singing a Snoop Dog song during our sophmore year in high school. Well time does what it does and Sheeta grew up. He never really liked high school but he ended up going to college and I think getting away from East Lansing was good for him. I think all people should move away from their hometowns for at least five years. It gives you perspective. I have not talked to Sheeta in almost a decade but it was nice to hear from him. He dropped a little bit too much God lingo but it was good to find out what he's been up to.

My "poor Chris" attitude quickly dropped to the waist side after he told me his father had died from Cancer a few years ago. Like me, Sheeta has young parents. Then he told me something that I've been mulling over in my head for the last day since I've talked to him. This guy we went to high school with has cancer which has spread all through out his body and his kidneys are failing him. He's dying. Sheeta has been talking to this guy on facebook for the past month. Facebook truly is a magical thing when used for good and not evil.

I'm not going to pretend like I was friends with Craig, but I knew him pretty well in high school. Not only was I not friends with him I think it's fair to say I didn't like him. He was friends with one of my best friends at the time and the two of them did a lot of stupid shit together. Craig was the kind of kid who you didn't want to turn your back on. He was a theif, an addict and a liar. Freshmen year of high school he was crushed by a soda machine. He was tipping it over in order to get a free soda and the whole thing came down on him. I think he broke a couple bones and did not get oe free can of minute maid orange in the process. The other thing about Craig was that he was one of the smartest kids in the high school. He was taking all advanced classes and a couple college level courses.

Like so many of "the rich kids" at my school Craig grew up with lots of money but not much direction from his family. Craig didn't steal for money. I think he stole things because he was extremely unhappy and he wanted other people to experience a little bit of how he was feeling. If I had the patience I have now I think I would have been more understanding towards Craig instead of warning him not to fuck with me as I did all those years ago. But now, all these years, Craig is dying from cancer. He's only 32 years old and cancer is consuming his body. He was extremly thin in high school so I can only imagine what he must look like now. I'll never know because the odds are I will never see him alive again. I would not wish what has happened to him on anybody and I am truly sorry that he is going through this. The fact that Sheeta can be there for someone who he has not hung out with since high school and is dying makes me respect the man he's become.

Cancer at 32 is bullshit. Ones body should not betray them at 32. It makes me feel silly when I complain about my tight knees after a jog. It silences me when I want to moan about the my life. It also makes me greatful for all that I have right now because there are no gaurentee's.

I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's a few days ago and it was like I had never been paying attention to the movie the previous times I had seen it. I watched it for the first time about two years ago and for some reason I've seen it 6 times since then. So I'm sitting on my couch watching Audrey Hepburn's cute self prance around the television screen when it hits me. "Holy shit! This is a really good movie about life."

When Paul Varjak says this to Holly Golightly I lifted an eye brow in deep contemplation.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."


That's some deep shit, especially that last part that basically says, no matter where you go you're going to run into yourself. I've been spending a lot of time looking in the mirror. One reason is because my nose hairs are growing at a ridiculous rate but I also look in the mirror because I'm trying to figure some stuff out about myself. Some days I feel like a loner who doesn't need anyone and other days I feel the need to connect with people. Some days I feel like I'm running away and other days I feel like I'm running towards something. The only constant in my life has been that person who looks back at me when I stare into a mirror. He's gotten me this far and I suspect he'll get me all the way to where I'm going but he doesn't have to do it alone.

Sheeta's timing was perfect. I have been feeling pretty "Blah" lately and even though I'm sure he didn't realize it Sheeta reminded me how lucky I am. Thanks Sheeta.