vote here vote now!!!

I was not expecting to write a blog this soon but I just had to get this off my chest. I have not talked about the political atmosphere in a long time but I just have to comment on some things. I'm not even going to talk about the qualifications of Palin but I would like to discuss some of the comments circling around about the governor of Alaska. First of all, who really gives a fuck how many kids she has? I don't. But some have actually considered this and tried to make it stick. It's already been said but it bares repeating that this question would never be asked to a male running for office. Palin is married and what's wrong with the husband spending more time at home to keep a watchful eye on the children? Her young daughter is pregnant. Ok, shit happens. But when shit like this happens to a person who is a staunch supporter of "abstinence only" sex education the irony of the situation should not be lost on people. Does abstinence only education really work....well, the proof really is in the pudding. Is this Palin's fault? Nope. Young people are horny. At least, most young people are horny, and sex feels good. Most people like to have sex. This is just a fact of life and people need to stop pretending otherwise. So if we know that young people are going to be engaging in "the sex" why not educate them on how to do it responsibly and safely. Shit man, even with sex education mistakes still happen, it's a fact of life and covering your eyes will not change that fact.

Here's my problem with conservatives right now. There is this "do as we say, not as we do" attitude. I keep hearing people say that families should be off limits in politics and I mostly agree with this. But why should it be just families that are off limits. I think lies should be off limits. I think bullshit should be off limits but apparently this is completely acceptable in our politics. But give me a fucking break people. You have people like Rush fucking Limbaugh telling people to back off Palin and screaming sexism. Now, there is and there will continue to be sexist remarks made and they will play a role during the elections. There is and there will continue to be racial remarks make and they will continue to play a role during the elections. I ask you to honestly consider this scenario in reverse. Imagine that Barack and Michelle have five kids and their teenage daughter gets pregnant. Do you really think that the Rush Limbaughs and the news media would not make that a story? Do you not think that people would try to link those old stereotypes about the young, black, unwed mother to the stories that would be told about their daughter? People need to be real. Barack would have been crushed by all the media.

People keep talking about character and morality but it's all bullshit and the news is falling for the same old traps. People are questioning character and morals and skipping policies and disturbing events that look like abuses of power. Fucking 20% of people in America think Obama is or was a Muslim. They think he's lying when he says he is not. What the fuck? What is wrong with people and why is it Ok to hate on Muslims so publicly in our country. Did 9/11 make it socially acceptable to hate people from the Middle East? The answer is yes, yes, yes! If Barack had married Michelle after leaving his first wife for her it would be such a fucking scandal the the news would talk about it all the time. His character would be questioned constantly. If Barack had a history of telling sexist jokes he would be crushed. If he had a well documented anger problem he would not have made it this far.

This is really a season of double standards and I am scared shitless. This could be one of the most important decisions in my life time. I hope it does not boil down to guns, gays and abortion. I hope to God it goes deeper than that this year.

I do not understand how people are consistently voting against their own interests. I've been listening to the news lately and they said just today that "white people" have inches McCain above Obama in the polls. First of all, no shit dude. Like we couldn't see that one coming. But these people who are voting for McCain are voting against improving the quality of their life. They are voting against policies that will give them tax breaks and lower the cost of certain services they need. I'm talking about lower income white folks here. I actually thought that the only color that would really end up mattering in the end was the color of money but race is still a huge issue in our country. We are not nearly as far along as we would like to believe. Before Palin I think it was a lot easier for some people to use Barack's experience as their main deterrent to wanting to vote for him. But now they are sweating a little bit because they have to come up with other reasons that they think will not be looked down upon.

I say fuck that. Say it like you mean it people. I'll start. Being that I'm am not afraid of white people or women I can honestly say that McCains race plays no role in my feelings about him. Palins gender plays no role in my feelings about her. I would like to say that religion should not play a role but it does. That's why the whole Muslim thing is so powerful, but are the more liberal people any better. I'm including myself in this category by the way. I find myself concerned about Creationists in our country. I think to myself, if you really believe that the earth is not that old should you be making policy decisions or have influence on a domestic and global level? But, am I not then treating their crazy asses similarly to the way Muslims are being treated? I don't know. I struggle with this. But, if you try to ban books then you don't deserve to speak for anyone but yourself and maybe your family. Leave the rest of us the fuck alone. Don't try to tell me what I can and can not read. Don't try to limit the information that I can have access to. If you do that then you truly are a threat to the United States of America and all that we should stand for.

Some days I feel like the people of the world have a death wish. We are destroying the planet and attacking each other daily. Some days I feel like the United States is leading the way with this attitude. For the first time I feel like our votes in November will truly decide the future of our country for generations to come. That is not a decision that should be made because of race, gender, age, sexuality, or religion. I guess it comes down to what kind of world do people want to live in or more importantly what kind of world do people want their children and future children to live in.

Thanks and thanks again.

Wow guys, thanks for all of the nice words that I have received from so many of you in a matter of 24 hours. It really makes me feel good to know so many of you care. I'm planning on taking a little break from blogging this month but I wanted to write something because I truly was overwhelmed by the response to my last blog. I did not realize so many people read my ramblings and I appreciate the support from all of you.

I just wanted to write a short little message to those of you who seem a little worried about my current state. I'm fine guys. I got the impression that I may have creeped some of you out with how calm and collected my last blog came off. So just know that I am OK with all that has taken place. I am not repressing my emotions guys. I simply know that if someones heart is not into a relationship then that relationship should cease to exist. It sounds simple enough but it's a very difficult thing to come to terms with. The heart is one of the most important poccessions we humans have and should be treated with great respect and dignity.

Surprisingly, I have not heard from Toby or Alex and I don't really expect to because they are assholes and can't deal with anything involving real emotion. To the rest of you, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for your many kind words and wishes.

In the future, please don't wait until I'm a hollowed out shell of a man to check in with me and chat. I hope my sense of humor shows you that I really am ok. I hope all of you have a wonderful September and please keep sending me your stories and letting me know what you're up to.

No Words

I'm just going to cut right to it and let those who are keeping tabs on me know that Danielle and I broke up with each other. It was not an ugly break up and there was no barrage of mean and hurtful things thrown at each other. I would be lying if I said that I broke up with her but I would also be lying if I said it was not the right move for her to make. The reasons for our break are unimportant but I fully support her in her decision to walk down a new path on her own. For the first time in my life I can honesty say that I love someone enough to let them go. I have never been able to say that before and actually mean it. She's a wonderful woman and a beautiful soul and I'm am absolutely sure that she will find what she is looking for.

Don't be fooled by my words however. I may sound like I have it all together but I'm pretty fucked up. Feel free to send me cookies and other goodies to soothe my broken heart. You wanna know what the fucked up this was, I had to change my stupid relationship status on facebook. Fucking facebook is both a blessing and a curse. This means that now I'm going to have all my facebook friends sending me little "hang in" there messages for the next couple of days. Another reason that I know I loved her is that I did not delete her from my "friends list." In the past I would have but I could not bring myself to do it this time. I had to get rid of my online photos because that would be way too painful for me to have to look at but I think it would have hurt me more to cut her completely out like she never existed. Fucking facebook!

I hate the whole idea of breaking up with someone who I have spent so much time with. We ended up in South Korea together just to end up putting an end to a two and a half year relationship. They don't have words to describe the way I'm feeling right now so I'm just sitting here, typing listening to some instrumental sounds on my computer. Right now I feel like this is a Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind moment. My head is full of memories and it doesn't matter how many pictures I now have to tuck away in the dark corner of my suitcase. It doesn't matter if I never speak to her again because I already can tell she will always be inside of me. Would I want to remove her? Probably not. So I'll just sit with the pain for a while. I'll sit here listening to my music feeling sorry for myself and then I'll go to bed. I can't imagine my life without her right now but that's not some revelation when it comes to the break up.

The revelation is that I really don't want to imagine my life without her. All previous break ups didn't feel like this one. I think this one is going to sit deep inside of me for a long while. I'm to crushed and tired to cry but I have just enough energy to tap these keys and type my feelings out into the universe.

Here's to one of the best friends I've ever had. I have nothing but love, hope and smiles for you.

Remember, it took a little while for the Velveteen Rabbit to realize he was flesh and blood at the end of the story.

Theo?

Sometimes I go jogging twice a day. This Sunday is one of those days. I just got back from my second jog and it was one of the strangest 45 minutes I've had in a while. My first jog was this morning and quite uneventful. The jog I just got back from was far from uneventful. I started walking down my cobble street towards the open road. There are a large number of butterflies and dragon flies out today. The butterflies are big and beautiful. They look like miniature bats when they flap their wings from one flower to the next. I was watching one of these creatures when I stumbled onto the set of a commercial being filmed at my work place. They shoot music video, commercials and scenes from movies all the time at my place of business. The reason being that this entire place is built to look like a small town. The rumor is that one day the whole place will be sold to a Korean film studio. It basically already is a film studio with how much people come here to film.

Anyways, I stumbled onto what looks like a car commercial and the director looked pretty pissed off. Not at me but at the person who is supposed to stop people from wondering into the camera shot. They stopped shooting and I quickly kept walking towards the open road to begin my jog. As I continued down the hill I looked back and noticed that the Korean model or actress (I'm not sure which) was waving at me frantically with a big smile on her face. I thought this was odd because Koreans really don't smile when they look at me. I crossed outside of the guard gate that is the entrance of my place and I started a pleasant, slow paced jog. I was listening to my ipod noticing all the Koreans camped out on the sidewalks "picnicking. I am always amazed at the Koreans ability to picnic on a slab of cement. The expression on their faces gives the impression that they are sitting in a beautiful meadow watching the sun go down. But in reality they are squatting on cement covered by a piece of tarp drinking Soju and eating some kind of rice and cabbage dish.

As I continued my jog I noticed all the cars parked on the side of the street with older Korean gentlemen and much younger Korean girls snuggled up together. I forget that I live in "the country" and that is where you take your lover if you are married. You take them to the country and you rent a "love motel." which usually has all the free Korean porn one can handle.

This jog was proving to be highly entertaining. I needed something like this to take my mind off of things. As I made my way up the final hill back towards the guards station the sun actually did start to set and I slowed down to enjoy the sight.

I waved to the guards and ran into some co-workers. I made my way back towards my apartment and came across the same commercial that was wrapping up. The out of know where this tall, skinny Korean model/actress person came running up to me. She seemed very excited and her entourage had camera's ready in their hands. At first I thought they thought I was someone else. There is a tendancy in Korea to think all black people look a like. After some low level Korean and some more low level English I found that they did not think I was anyone in particular. Then why did this woman want to have her picture taken with me? I got this answer from one of her agent/handler/friend people who spoke some English. After they took a lot of freak'n pictures and I was made to pose (while sweating like a pig mind you) she gave me a big hug and her card which is in Korean so I can't read it. I asked her friend what the deal was and he told me that Yu-ri is "famous Korean actress." I think I've mentioned this before but everyone who gets on tv is considered famous in Korea. So I always take the whole famous thing with a huge boulder of salt.

Anyways, he told me that she loves black men from America . I guess she grew up watching MTV and her favorite she loves "the rap." It all started to make more sense the more this guy talked to me but then he said something that made me laugh out loud. I guess this girl's favorite actor is Malcom Jamal Warner (Theo from the Cosby Show) and she thought I looked like him. I'm not really sure why she gave me her card but I think it's funny that she'll probably show those pictures to people and the conversation (in Korean of course) will start something like this, "Doesn't this guy look exactly like Theo from the Cosby Show?"

Thanks

Oh Korea, you strange fucking country you. To get anything done here you have to jump through so many hoops it's not even funny. Hoop after fucking hoop. You can't talk directly to the person with the information, you have to talk to the three people below the person with the information who will give you the wrong information. I thought it might just be the place that I work at that has problems communicating and moving forward in a logical manner but I was wrong, it's pretty much the entire country. I have to renew my visa and the who process is proving to be difficult. They require that I go to the doctor's to get a physical, which I understand. They wanna know if I have anything bad so they can deport my ass out of the country if I do. The scary thing about that is I've had a cough and fluid in my chest for the past three weeks. My fear of Korean doctors has prevented me from going to the hospital before now but I'm going to have to go soon. I have tricked myself into thinking that if I'm not yet coughing up blood then I will get better on my own. Some people who I work with think I have TB because it's all over the place in this country. There's actually a pool going on here called the "What will Chris die from pool?" I laughed when I first heard about it but then I started talking to some people and found out it's real. At the moment it's a tie between bird flu and TB.

I don't mind having to go to the hospital for a check up to get my visa. But...I have to get a criminal background check from a state where I have lived in. Here's the dumb ass thing about the criminal background check. The last criminal background check I got was right before I left the country to live in South Korea. I got this check because the place that I now work required it. This obviously means that the new criminal background check they are asking for will be the old criminal background check because I've been living here since the last one. Confusing? Yeah. Stupid? For sure. I'm annoyed because this process is going to take forever and I've already run into complications. This has not been the best few week for me and I'm just not in the mood to deal with the whole cultural differences right now to get what I need done done.

Maybe I'll just let the visa run out and see what happens. What would that be like to be deported? Hmmmm? Maybe I'll fine out soon. The dollar has improved in value here which fucks me pretty hard. 1,000 won used to be worth about $1.10. Not any more. 1,000 won is now worth about .88 cents. I felt that hit on my last money transfer to my bank account.

There are so many things running through my head about the future. Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? How will I make my millions and live on a private island sipping fresh fruit drinks while playing cribbage and eating crab? I'm almost 50 for Christ Sake! It's right around the corner. And then when I start to feel really sorry for myself about the current status of my life I get a message from an old high school friend on facebook.

Sheeta and I have known each other since middle school but did not really become friends until high school. He instant messaged me and we chatted for a while. Sheeta used to be one wild wild man. Nights out with him usually ended with destruction of property in some fashion but he always had a pretty good heart. He told me that he has three children and works for the ministry. I instantly had flashbacks of him smoking a cigar holding a 40 ounce while singing a Snoop Dog song during our sophmore year in high school. Well time does what it does and Sheeta grew up. He never really liked high school but he ended up going to college and I think getting away from East Lansing was good for him. I think all people should move away from their hometowns for at least five years. It gives you perspective. I have not talked to Sheeta in almost a decade but it was nice to hear from him. He dropped a little bit too much God lingo but it was good to find out what he's been up to.

My "poor Chris" attitude quickly dropped to the waist side after he told me his father had died from Cancer a few years ago. Like me, Sheeta has young parents. Then he told me something that I've been mulling over in my head for the last day since I've talked to him. This guy we went to high school with has cancer which has spread all through out his body and his kidneys are failing him. He's dying. Sheeta has been talking to this guy on facebook for the past month. Facebook truly is a magical thing when used for good and not evil.

I'm not going to pretend like I was friends with Craig, but I knew him pretty well in high school. Not only was I not friends with him I think it's fair to say I didn't like him. He was friends with one of my best friends at the time and the two of them did a lot of stupid shit together. Craig was the kind of kid who you didn't want to turn your back on. He was a theif, an addict and a liar. Freshmen year of high school he was crushed by a soda machine. He was tipping it over in order to get a free soda and the whole thing came down on him. I think he broke a couple bones and did not get oe free can of minute maid orange in the process. The other thing about Craig was that he was one of the smartest kids in the high school. He was taking all advanced classes and a couple college level courses.

Like so many of "the rich kids" at my school Craig grew up with lots of money but not much direction from his family. Craig didn't steal for money. I think he stole things because he was extremely unhappy and he wanted other people to experience a little bit of how he was feeling. If I had the patience I have now I think I would have been more understanding towards Craig instead of warning him not to fuck with me as I did all those years ago. But now, all these years, Craig is dying from cancer. He's only 32 years old and cancer is consuming his body. He was extremly thin in high school so I can only imagine what he must look like now. I'll never know because the odds are I will never see him alive again. I would not wish what has happened to him on anybody and I am truly sorry that he is going through this. The fact that Sheeta can be there for someone who he has not hung out with since high school and is dying makes me respect the man he's become.

Cancer at 32 is bullshit. Ones body should not betray them at 32. It makes me feel silly when I complain about my tight knees after a jog. It silences me when I want to moan about the my life. It also makes me greatful for all that I have right now because there are no gaurentee's.

I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's a few days ago and it was like I had never been paying attention to the movie the previous times I had seen it. I watched it for the first time about two years ago and for some reason I've seen it 6 times since then. So I'm sitting on my couch watching Audrey Hepburn's cute self prance around the television screen when it hits me. "Holy shit! This is a really good movie about life."

When Paul Varjak says this to Holly Golightly I lifted an eye brow in deep contemplation.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."


That's some deep shit, especially that last part that basically says, no matter where you go you're going to run into yourself. I've been spending a lot of time looking in the mirror. One reason is because my nose hairs are growing at a ridiculous rate but I also look in the mirror because I'm trying to figure some stuff out about myself. Some days I feel like a loner who doesn't need anyone and other days I feel the need to connect with people. Some days I feel like I'm running away and other days I feel like I'm running towards something. The only constant in my life has been that person who looks back at me when I stare into a mirror. He's gotten me this far and I suspect he'll get me all the way to where I'm going but he doesn't have to do it alone.

Sheeta's timing was perfect. I have been feeling pretty "Blah" lately and even though I'm sure he didn't realize it Sheeta reminded me how lucky I am. Thanks Sheeta.

Everything leaves a mark!

I have finally finished moving into my new apartment. The place I work at has two different apartment types that the foreign teachers have to live in. The first is called "The small home." The small home is what I moved into when I arrived here last October. They were being kind when they called these apartments the small home. If I was to name them I would have called them "The Tiny Ass Closet." As the months have quickly disappeared into the Korean atmosphere I've found that I became quite used to my small home. It was difficult during the first month or so but after a while I forgot what it was like to have a couch, a comfy chair, a kitchen, a table, a bedroom, a closet and a host of other things I took for granted living in the U.S. I imagine this must be what those poor animals we raise to consume must feel like. Not the free range cows, chickens, pigs and whatever other beast we like to stick into our guts, I'm talking about the ones that never see the light of day. The ones that never touch the earth with the claws or hooves. The ones that end up getting fed by machines which are programmed to dispense food at a certain time each day. This is why I try to pay that little extra for meat that has been raised for slaughter in the most humane fashion possible. I want my meat to of had a very happy and care free life before its life force was extinguished so I might have some juicy steaks to consume with my friends over a nice glass of wine.

Anyways, the powers that be decided that I "deserve" a larger apartment. They decided I deserve a "double home." Once again I think they got the name all wrong on these apartments. Compared to the "small home" these apartments should be called "You're so lucky you don't have to live in one of those shitty ass small homes home." It's like comparing Beverly Hills to an ant hill. The differences between the two places are so ridiculous I can't believe people don't riot over the unfairness of it all. Of course now that I'm living inside the city on top of the hill I would have no choice but to shoot any rioters attempting to get inside of my wonderful household.

I have so much space in my new place I don't know what to do. I have my own bedroom. I have a couch now. There is land, thats right, LAND outside my apartment window. I could go outside right now and roll around in it if I wanted to. I wasn't joking about my place being on top of a hill either. They moved me into the same building as the head honcho of the entire school, so the building must therefore sit on the highest point inside the campus. I'm going to enjoy my time in my new home but I'm keeping in mind that they could just as easily cast me down from Mount Olympus to live once again among man.

I am resigning for another contract with my company at the end of October. I am resigning because I would like to have some more money in my savings account when I return to the United States and I don't want to return during the winter season. This means that I have to jump through several different hoops to get a visa extension which requires that I once again get fingerprints taken...even though I've been in Korea since my last criminal background check...which would mean any crimes I have committed since the last check would have taken place in Korea. It's a silly process and I have to rely on my friends and family to help me get the information I need to stay here longer.

This got me thinking about how important it is to have friends. Family is family so even if I wanted to I couldn't get rid of them. But friends come and go. Ever since I've been working on non-fiction fictional accounts I have been forced to see that I have lost many a decent person from my past. The interesting thing about this fact is that these relationships did not end because of betrayal or anger. Some ended because of distance and some ended because neither of us attempted to keep in touch with each other. Again, none of these failed friendships or relationships is from my childhood. I still have the majority of my childhood friends. As a matter of fact the only true childhood friend that I have lost is because he's no longer living. I wonder what that says about the bonds we can make as small children and how important those bonds are.

It's the people who I have met since high school who seem to fade in and fade out. I'm not talking about the people who were just fun to hang out with but were never really my friends. I'm not talking about the girls who I dated because I like to have people to see movies with. I'm talking about my good friends and relationships who I have little to no contact with any more. What the fuck happened? This might come as a shock to some but I don't just stop talking to people without good reason. If you have shown yourself to be untrustworthy or selfish then the odds are that you aren't reading this blog. I don't have time for people who I cannot trust or just want to talk about themselves all the time in my life. You know the kind of person I'm talking about. The kind of person who keeps a blog about their life and their thoughts. The kind of person who is so conceded that they think people are interested in what they have to say and want to read about it....oh shit, wait a minute!

Anyways, working on my non-fiction fictional accounts has made me miss some of my old friends who I have not seen or talked to in a very long time. These were people I spent my college years with. The people I spent my years in California with. These were my friends. Don't get me wrong now. I'm not the type of person who wants to keep everyone around. Some people need to be cut the fuck loose. I'm talking about the people who I took for granted and are now lost to me. I got lazy and they got lazy and we ended up losing each other.

I'll be sure to not get lazy with the people who are still around.

The universe is whispering to us

Lately I've been working on what appears to be the beginnings of a book so I have not felt much like writing a blog. But at this moment I'm sitting down at my computer, my sliding glass door is open and the wind is massaging my room. It's quiet outside. I'm playing music from one of my playlists on itunes. Bon Iver's "Stacks" is coming out of the speakers. Look em' up, I think the majority of you would like their sound. This playlist selection is entitled "slow" because the music is really chill and relaxing. I've always given my playlists names. I used to give my mixed tapes names and every time I burn a CD I have to name it. I'm sure I have some pretty embarrassing mixed tapes out there from my youth. The ones that survived are probably being kept around to be used as blackmail one day.

It's almost 8:00 at night and Korea ain't so bad around this time. At least not where I live. I'm away from the city which means I'm usually away from the pollution, the smells, the people, and the sounds. I've got a slight irritation in my throat that has been there for about a week. Every morning I wake up I've been going through a ritual which does not need to be discussed in detail. I've been going to be before 9:30 for the past few weeks now. I'm not sure why that is but I've been tired. I wake up early, usually around 5:15 in the morning. I go for a jog and then to the gym. I take a shower and get ready for my day. It's all very routine and not in the least bit exciting. I knew I should have been a spy...never a dull moment when you're a spy.

The things I have been writing lately have been from my past. It's pretty amazing the things you can remember when you take the time to reflect on your life. I'm a lot more interesting then I give myself credit for. I've also come such a long way from the person I used to be. The way I act, the way I think about myself and the way I treat people has gone through such a metamorphosis. I'm still in a cocoon, but I know I'll have wings one day.

Something I've been thinking about lately but have not written down (because it has nothing to do with the theme of my project) is my unyielding fear of death. It's been there since I first was able to comprehend mortality. It's the kind of worry that's ridiculous if you really think about it. This is one fight I will not be able to win. Why worry about something like death? There's absolutely nothing to be done about it, nothing at all. But I remember waking up in terror as a child. I'm talking since first grade. I don't discuss this with people very often. Maybe a handful of people know about my issue.

You see I have a great love of life. I love it, even when it's really, really bad. This is probably why I have such a fascination with Sci-fi movies. Anything with time travel and immortality has always appealed to me. Unfortunately, anything with time travel and immortality usually makes for a really shitty movie...but I watch it anyways. Vampires! I love me some Vampires! This could have more to do with my dad and his love of horror movies than with my fear of death, but I'm sure it's worked it's way in there some how.

I sometimes envy the extremely religious types. The believe with all their heart that when their numbers up they will be going somewhere else. I would love to feel this way but the truth is I don't. I never really did, even when I was going to Catholic School. All the kids dressed in their little blue and white outfits would be talking about what it would be like in heaven one day and I thought they were sick little bastards. I remember thinking, why is every body always talking about death at church. I wanna live dammit! I wanna live! Don't make me think about this shit. But I did, I thought about it at night when I was trying to sleep. I would close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to die and then my heart would feel like it was about to explode. I would just out of bed and start swinging wildly into the night air like I could connect a fist with the face of death. This usually lasted about 30 seconds or so and then I would dive back into bed with tears running down my face. I was too fucking young to be crying about my impending death. I should have been thinking about soccer or sleepovers but I was giving way too much of my energy to death.

This feeling that I first had in the first grade has never gone away. I'm 32 years old and sometimes when I'm alone and awake late at night I find myself still swinging wildly into the dark. My heart still feels like it's going to leap out of my chest and I still know that the worry is fruitless. There is nothing that can be done about it. One day I will no longer be here. The world will truly end for Chris Williams and that still sends a chill down my spine. The interesting thing about all this is that I'm a pretty happy person. I'm usually in a good mood and I'm always up for a good laugh. It's just this one thing...this one little thing that has always been looking over my shoulder. I've been able to function because I'm very skilled at occupying my brain with more pressing matters. It's not like death is going any where, right?

I'm sure there's some kind of pill I can take that, along with making me drool, would also make me forget about my little death problem but I would never swallow such a pill. I've seen a handful of dead people in my lifetime. Some have been family members and others have been close friends. The feeling I get when I look at a dead body is just that, I'm looking at a dead body. That thing that used to make my buddy "my buddy" is no longer present. It's not there any more, it's gone away or it's burned out. I prefer to think that it's gone away like a feather in the wind.

I do think that the older I get the more life I notice all around me. I feel wrapped in it's warmth and that makes me feel good and special. I'm absolutely convinced that there is so much more to "this" than any of us realize. Sometimes I feel like the universe is whispering to me but I'm just too far away to make out what it's saying. I'm going to continue to keep an ear out for what ever message or messages are trying to come my way.